I think it's time to get it all out.

[SHAWTYS #1 FAN]

I've had a presence in this community for nearly a decade now. Whatever you want to say about me, any everybody seems to have something to say, you're going to find that not many people are willing to vouch for my kindness. My reputation is a bit muddy, I know. Even if some people have managed to put a positive spin on it in the past by describing me as 'brutally honest' or something of the sort, the fact is that I'm generally perceived to be a cruel, anal, abrasive, and tactless person. I can't say that I blame them.


The sad thing is that I don't think anybody really knows me at all. Not my friends, not my family, not my coworkers, and certainly not anybody on Kingdom Hearts Insider. I've avoided discussing my personal life with any sort of depth for a very long time, and it's because up until now I've had a lot to hide. It's placed a tremendous burden on me mentally. I don't mean to make excuses for my behavior, but the people who have accused me of being full of hatred and anger are, for the most part, right on the money. I grew up in a very religious family where being myself was discouraged, sometimes forcefully so, and over the years it turned me into a very confused and unhappy person. I've spent my entire life in fear of being judged, and I'm tired of oozing with self loathing. Only now, finally, am I finding a bit of direction in my life, which is why I feel that I need to lay the real Sam out on the table.


I'm gay, and I've been ashamed of it for as long as I can remember. I've always been terrified to admit it. I've spent the first twenty years of my life pretending to be someone that I'm not, hooking up with men I barely know and sucking all kinds of dastardly penis, and then bragging about how many girls I've slept with the next day. I'm not willing to spend another second like that. It's only served to harm me and to harm everyone around me as I habitually take out my self-imposed anger on them. As of writing this, I have yet to tell anyone in real life, and I don't know when I will. The risks of coming out to my family far exceed the risks of coming out here, but I've finally reached a point where I can comfortably say that there's nothing wrong with my secret lifestyle.


I want to apologize to everybody I've ever offended or harmed in this community. I won't ask for your forgiveness, but I hope that you can understand that the person who said those things was coming from a position of extreme insecurity and torment -- and I'm far from recovered, even now. But I believe that being true to myself is the only way I ever will be, and this is where it starts.

[TheMuffinMan]

I just want you to know that if you ever travel to Pennsylvania, there's always a warm butt-oven waiting for your sweet mexican baguette

[skyfoxx]

Well, I'm not going to try and pretend like I understand how you're feeling or anything like that because I definitely do not, but I figured I'll put my two cents in.

I know that you said that you come from a religious family where "being yourself is discouraged" and I assume that it would be because the church you go to is against being gay. I'm LDS (or Mormon, if you prefer) so you may be a little surprised to what I'm about to say.

I hope that you realize that no church should ever be made to discriminate against people. Again, I don't know what your family's religious views are, but the way that I see it is that God loves everyone regardless of any mistakes in life. I won't lie, I don't agree with the lifestyle of being gay, however I am not fit to judge you. The only person who is would be God. The only mistakes or sins I need to worry about are my own. And one of those sins would be judging others when you have no right to judge. In fact, I have a cousin who recently came out and admitted he was gay. Sadly my grandmother has been treating him a little differently. She acknowledges that she loves him as he is her grandson, but it's obvious that there's some prejudice hinted at. When I was talking with my parents and my sister, we all pretty much agreed to not worry about my cousin. He's still our cousin regardless of what he chooses and we should treat him as such.

Unfortunately, the impression that a lot of people get about the LDS church is that we "hate" gays. That isn't true at all. The church isn't encouraged to hate anyone at all and while we believe that the lifestyle isn't right, we aren't at all taught to "hate" one another. If anything, we're taught to love one another regardless or what the other has done. And if anyone else is like me in this regard, or any other church is like that the way that I see it, you may not have much of a problem telling friends or family that you really trust.

Now again, the way that I see things in this subject matter may be totally different to the way your family may see it. But I hope that this may bring some comfort in some way to know that even some people who are against the lifestyle of a gay can understand that it's none of their business.

[turninto]

I just keep getting stuck on "dastardly penis".

Anyway, I think the times you've been genuinely cruel (at least on these forums, for the roughly two years I've been around) are more limited than some of us choose to remember. I'm not saying I never witnessed any deeply insensitive instances from you, and I'm not about to undermine those, but a little abrasive was the worst you usually got—from my perspective. Granted, I'm probably only so forgiving because I usually agreed with whatever your position happened to be on whatever subject was being discussed at the time, but nevertheless. If nothing else, at least you were (are) always very well-spoken.

Making weak excuses for you for no real reason aside, you're right that being closeted isn't one for shitty behavior. Just know that you have my sympathy, regardless.

So, yes, I forgive you for maybe/maybe not getting that one thread closed where I was having a lot of fun posting pictures of (subjectively, I GUESS) hot, mostly-naked men that probably only I remember. Also dittoing Muff, except I'm in California (which is closer).

[kairi_angel]

I did mean it when I forgave you in #junes, and I still do.

[crankymuse]

I can say that I've honestly never thought of you as being cruel. Maybe it's because you never directed anything at me, mostly because you probably don't even know who I am. The worst thing you did was kill my dog in Minecraft. And that was an accident. And I forgave you forever ago.

I hope that this is a good start for you, and for getting over your insecurities. I think that you have some really good friends on KHI, at least as far as I can tell, so I know that you're going to have help. And I hope that you'll get through this. Good luck, Sam.

[Orion]

I just keep getting stuck on "dastardly penis".

Heh .

[turninto]

Heh .

oh.......................

[Juggernaut6]

Seeing the words anal and abrasive in the same sentence gave me some bad imagery.

[OmniChaos]

I've never considered you cruel, Sam (perhaps, as mentioned by others, it was because I was never a target), and I find bluntness refreshing from time to time. I've never really been offended by anything you've said (regardless of whether I agreed or disagreed with it) and actually hold a degree of respect for you.

I can definately relate with you, being from a very religious (not to mention conservative and Texan) family myself, I understand how hard it is to come out to those close to you, always fearing what they might say or do or fearing that they will judge or look down on you. I've only come out to two members of my family myself, both of which are not judgmental and are understanding, and am far from comfortable coming out to any others.

Anyways, I hope everything works out for you, Sam, and that you can find some peace and comfort in the matter.

[nelly <3]

You shouldn't be ashamed for who you are Sam.

People are going to judge you no matter what but the key to happiness is to be comfortable with yourself.

Do I know you? No. And we both know we don't talk to each other (maybe a hi - well hardly) but there's always going to be a certain level of respect going on. And if you're distant (towards everybody) that's your deal. I think no matter what though, You're always going to be welcomed in these forums. You seem p cool to a point where if KHI was real life - I'd hang out with ya. But it's just in my personality honestly. I like to make friends not enemies.

Enough though;
If you're anal, cold, abrasive and cruel. I can't say go ahead and change that in a flash but the best you could do is try to find a healthier way of managing your feelings. But then again, nobody values my opinion (you see where I'm getting there?) You shouldn't give a damn what anybody thinks about you. If you're brutally honest that's just another part of who you are. Honestly the world needs more people like you. We may not cross each other's path's but I'm very observant.

As far as coming out to those that are in your real life.
I can see how that must be difficult to do. I can't relate to that. But there has been a moment in my life where I had to confess the absolute truth about myself to a loved one. I got left stranded and it wasn't a happy ending. But you know, I'm so glad I let it all out. The truth hurts (in all ways) I'm pretty sure the person whom I've confessed everything to didn't take it very well. Then again, that was the last I've ever heard of him. But better late than never, don't cheat yourself out of it.

I can tell you this, it's not going to be a breezy experience. But in the end, in the end it's going to be worth it. It won't happen instantly but that way, everything will slowly start making sense. You've waited 20 yrs and that's too long. You deserve more credit.

Good luck and I wish you the best with your family.

But I believe that being true to myself is the only way I ever will be, and this is where it starts.

:)

[soraking10]

I never considered you cruel, mean, or anything of the sort. If anything, you were openly honest which probably made others perceive you as such. I know even "coming out" to the KHInsder community must have not been easy. I can definitely relate to being worried about what your family will think about you being Gay. I might have been raised in a strict religious family, but my dad is pretty much the equivalent to that. Like Nelly said, you shouldn't care about what anybody thinks, because in the end, it only matters what you think.

[aldrain]

Sam... I have seen your good side. I never consider you cruel. I have seen you be mean, but we all have those moments. I used to avoid you like the plague simply because you had a bad reputation around here. But one day I simply forgot that and discovered you have a genuine good side.

As for your family, I being a christian, see a HUGE problem with how they act. I feel it should have been their job to guide you as much as they could, WITHOUT making you feel pressured. They obviously failed that (probably because they misunderstand some of the simple things). From the sounds of it, they would condemn you because they never understood that for us, the person isn't supposed to be considered evil, like the sin that they should be condemning. But for some reason they feel that it's okay to judge and be spiteful towards those who have sinned. Problem is? They are just as bad, if they are considering you or other people, sinners. I've learned not to judge people, becasue of scripture, but regardless? I have done some pretty bad things in my life, so I have no room to talk whatsoever.

Unfortunately being gay is a horridly touchy subject for anybody in an older generation. One day you should come out, though. Get it out there, because in some way, maybe they would accept it. Hang in there mang, you seem to have a lot of people here who would be willing to listen to you. I'm one of those people too.

[Silverslide]

Yeah you were a little aggressive but it's whatever. No one's a saint. I didn't know about this but I'm glad you're finally coming out and I'm looking forward to seeing you grow as a person because of it. Happy for you, bro.

[Lanydx reborn]

I've seen you act like an asshole but never too me. Look buddy I have a small idea about where your coming from. (My friend Holden was gay in a not so loving town. But he found friends and me that loved him for who he is and didn't become an asshole.) Let me make something clear. God doesn't hate you. He loves you. It's sin he hates, and anyone that says otherwise is not working for God, but the other guy. I hope you can change your ways my friend, God bless you my brother.