I've had a presence in this community for nearly a decade now. Whatever you want to say about me, any everybody seems to have something to say, you're going to find that not many people are willing to vouch for my kindness. My reputation is a bit muddy, I know. Even if some people have managed to put a positive spin on it in the past by describing me as 'brutally honest' or something of the sort, the fact is that I'm generally perceived to be a cruel, anal, abrasive, and tactless person. I can't say that I blame them.
The sad thing is that I don't think anybody really knows me at all. Not my friends, not my family, not my coworkers, and certainly not anybody on Kingdom Hearts Insider. I've avoided discussing my personal life with any sort of depth for a very long time, and it's because up until now I've had a lot to hide. It's placed a tremendous burden on me mentally. I don't mean to make excuses for my behavior, but the people who have accused me of being full of hatred and anger are, for the most part, right on the money. I grew up in a very religious family where being myself was discouraged, sometimes forcefully so, and over the years it turned me into a very confused and unhappy person. I've spent my entire life in fear of being judged, and I'm tired of oozing with self loathing. Only now, finally, am I finding a bit of direction in my life, which is why I feel that I need to lay the real Sam out on the table.
I'm gay, and I've been ashamed of it for as long as I can remember. I've always been terrified to admit it. I've spent the first twenty years of my life pretending to be someone that I'm not, hooking up with men I barely know and sucking all kinds of dastardly penis, and then bragging about how many girls I've slept with the next day. I'm not willing to spend another second like that. It's only served to harm me and to harm everyone around me as I habitually take out my self-imposed anger on them. As of writing this, I have yet to tell anyone in real life, and I don't know when I will. The risks of coming out to my family far exceed the risks of coming out here, but I've finally reached a point where I can comfortably say that there's nothing wrong with my secret lifestyle.
I want to apologize to everybody I've ever offended or harmed in this community. I won't ask for your forgiveness, but I hope that you can understand that the person who said those things was coming from a position of extreme insecurity and torment -- and I'm far from recovered, even now. But I believe that being true to myself is the only way I ever will be, and this is where it starts.