Nevermore's Poetry - Page 4

Rainfire · March 30th, 2009, 03:00 AM

But one must remember, forget-me-not (I like the line in your signature by the way), that poetry is more-or-less subjective, like an opinion. Plus he never said his poetry was perfect...

Though I must agree to some extent.

At any rate, Raven, I like your poetry much more than Thor.'s... it works much better for me and you seem to stay within classic meter(s) while giving it your own twist. That last poem was quite good, my only complaint was that you messed up the Rhyme Meter once:

The whispers of love we used to share
Not but a couple months there after
Were carried away with the next petal
As well as your beautiful laughter

... Actually, now that I read over it again, and out-loud, I guess it depends on how you work your phrasing. In one form it's fine, but in another it's not... how odd... Because the rest of the poem works well in both forms of phrasing.

At any rate, I like your work... I think I'll keep an eye on you...

Nevermore · March 30th, 2009, 04:39 AM

Hmm, I think I see what you mean. Maybe the repetition of the word "as" so close together is somehow tricking the mind's syllable count when it's just read through. Perhaps "along with" would work better than "as well as". It could also be that I should add a single syllable word before "beautiful". I'll have to fix it later though. I'm on my PS3's limited web browser right now, lol.

Thanks for the advice.

Nevermore · April 17th, 2009, 11:30 PM

And here is the one I've been working on. I tried a little variation, and I hope it worked, lol.

*****

Orchestra from the Wargrounds

While the raindrops play the piano
And the thunder plays the drums
As the violin becomes the wind
The guitar becomes my gun

So the blood spills upon the land
It’s a noise that all now fear
And the screams of the forgotten
Can be heard by every ear

And so I begin to cry
As the bullets reach the ground
Becoming another part of
The “Fallen Harmonic”

Where sorrow is the only key
That always plays throughout the night
Reflecting the wistful hearts
Of them all

The young and weary soldiers
March along to that dead beat
The wind is tearing at their lungs
And the bullets scar their feet

They all set their eyes forward
Towards a noise from up ahead
And the white flag waving freely
Was ripped apart by their lead

The sun becomes a crimson red
Flooding light upon the land
Casting a hue that looked just like
Their bloody remainings

The orchestra that fell from the sky
And the orchestra from the ground
Makes the most beautiful sound
Of them all

*****

**Azia** · April 18th, 2009, 01:14 AM

O-O...

I LOVE IT!!!!!!!! OMG, Raven. I especially love the first stanza. I did notice that the rhyme scheme is kinda hard to pick up...is there one??? I really love it, though. I swear, If I were straight, I might even be in love with you, lol!!!

Nevermore · April 18th, 2009, 01:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dragonrider932

I LOVE IT!!!!!!!! OMG, Raven. I especially love the first stanza. I did notice that the rhyme scheme is kinda hard to pick up...is there one??? I really love it, though.

Thank you! This was the one that I mentioned before, so I tried to make it as good as I could ^.^

There is; but as I said, it varies. If it helps, stanzas 1, 2, 5, and 6 use the same pattern, while stanzas 3, 4, 7, and 8 use another. Another difference is that while I used an ABCB scheme for the former, I used a more free verse approach for the latter. So yeah, it's a little complicated, lol.

Quote:

I swear, If I were straight, I might even be in love with you, lol!!!

Umm, thanks . . . I think.

**The Future** · April 18th, 2009, 01:32 AM

These are pretty good poems you have here, they're really cool, nice job you're doing here Raven. :)

Kaos6 · April 18th, 2009, 10:10 AM

How you do it, I'll never know. But you get me every time. Lovely. I look forward to more.

Rainfire · April 18th, 2009, 08:22 PM

Hhhmmm... I could honestly turn that last one into a song. I had a beat playing in my head and everything. Granted it was abstract and I'm not the biggest fan of abstract but the images you did provide were solid. The odd Free-Scheme that you use (if I remember right it's either Common Measure, or Sicilian Quatrain) provides an unbalanced rhythm that forces you to read along with it, as if one were walking a tight-rope and you just had to go with the flow. Overall, fairly experimental, and fairly awesome.

Nevermore · April 18th, 2009, 08:33 PM

^Thanks! I was trying to stick to a Ballad Stanza format for those (I think it offers a little more freedom, which is very helpful for when I'm trying out different things); which, if I remember correctly, is the same thing as Common Measure.

Rainfire · April 18th, 2009, 09:06 PM

Ballad Stanza is ABAB. I thought you were going after ABCB?

EDIT: Wait a second... you used both ABAB and ABCB. Haha, I see what ya did thar.

Nevermore · April 18th, 2009, 09:15 PM

Really, I read that Ballad Stanza used ABCB.

Anyway, I didn't think that I used both. If I did, that part was coincidence, lol. Not entirely unlikely though, since I'm in the flow as I write the poem. Sometimes it just comes out, I guess.

**Azia** · May 7th, 2009, 07:46 PM

More please...

Nevermore · May 7th, 2009, 09:54 PM

So impatient :P

**Azia** · May 7th, 2009, 09:57 PM

Yep, lol. I haven't read any good poetry lately...

Kaos6 · May 8th, 2009, 06:19 AM

Quote:

More please...

this.

I got all excited cuz I see the thread was posted in and then no poem... ><

Hurtful. So very hurtful. ><

March 30th, 2009, 03:00 AM	#46
Rainfire Sidekick Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Sitting in the rain, thinking up new ideas... Age: 21 Posts: 356 Rep Power: 2 Level: EXP:	Re: Raven's Poetry But one must remember, forget-me-not (I like the line in your signature by the way), that poetry is more-or-less subjective, like an opinion. Plus he never said his poetry was perfect... Though I must agree to some extent. At any rate, Raven, I like your poetry much more than Thor.'s... it works much better for me and you seem to stay within classic meter(s) while giving it your own twist. That last poem was quite good, my only complaint was that you messed up the Rhyme Meter once: The whispers of love we used to share Not but a couple months there after Were carried away with the next petal As well as your beautiful laughter ... Actually, now that I read over it again, and out-loud, I guess it depends on how you work your phrasing. In one form it's fine, but in another it's not... how odd... Because the rest of the poem works well in both forms of phrasing. At any rate, I like your work... I think I'll keep an eye on you...

April 18th, 2009, 10:10 AM	#52
Kaos6 Keyblade Wielder Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Forum Insanity Posts: 486 Rep Power: 2 Level: EXP:	Re: Raven's Poetry How you do it, I'll never know. But you get me every time. Lovely. I look forward to more.

April 18th, 2009, 08:22 PM	#53
Rainfire Sidekick Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Sitting in the rain, thinking up new ideas... Age: 21 Posts: 356 Rep Power: 2 Level: EXP:	Re: Raven's Poetry Hhhmmm... I could honestly turn that last one into a song. I had a beat playing in my head and everything. Granted it was abstract and I'm not the biggest fan of abstract but the images you did provide were solid. The odd Free-Scheme that you use (if I remember right it's either Common Measure, or Sicilian Quatrain) provides an unbalanced rhythm that forces you to read along with it, as if one were walking a tight-rope and you just had to go with the flow. Overall, fairly experimental, and fairly awesome.

April 18th, 2009, 09:06 PM	#55
Rainfire Sidekick Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Sitting in the rain, thinking up new ideas... Age: 21 Posts: 356 Rep Power: 2 Level: EXP:	Re: Raven's Poetry Ballad Stanza is ABAB. I thought you were going after ABCB? EDIT: Wait a second... you used both ABAB and ABCB. Haha, I see what ya did thar.

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