Cowboy of the Red Planet

[cream_sugar]

Right...why am I doing this? I guess I'm in the mood. In the far distant future, humanity has settled on Mars but in doing so has unleashed the demons and dragons of old, causing all hell to break lose. This is the story of Rose Mary, a slave girl, who dreams of freedom and a bottle of Mideol, who is about to get an encounter that going to change her life forever. This short story won a Silver Key (basically second place) in the Scholastic-Patriot News Writing Contest and I'm proud to present it to the KHInsider Community. I guess that's what happens when you drop the F-bomb twice. But before you read, I have two warnings: 1) this is not your kid brother's story. There is language, violence, use of alcohol, people shotting at each other, stuff blowing up, sexual harassment, and girl problems, amough another stuff. 2) THIS IS MY ORIGINAL WORK!!!! No copying! (sticking out tounge) BLEA!!!!!!!!!!

enjoy

Cowboy of the Red Planet

The search was on. A hand patted the dust bunny emptiness inside of the lopsided cabinet. Finding nothing in the cobweb jungle, the hand retreated back into the flickering florescence lights.

“****,” the hand’s owner stopped her foot, a young waitress in a dirty and faded dress and apron. No tampons, not even a sanitation pad. She would have to ask the Boss to walk into town after the bar closed, if he was drunk enough. No way was she going to use just toilet paper for five days. She still had stains from the last leak on her cot.

Frowning, the girl grabbed a handful of paper from the crooked rack next to the toilet and stuffed into her underwear. The Boss seemed to have no knowledge of the trials of womanhood. Men were so lucky, she thought, all they had to worry about was getting hit below the belt. Meanwhile, women dealt with periods, childbirth, breast cancer, cervix cancer, menopause, osteoporosis, the whole nine yards. At least the miracle of science provided Mideol.

The girl opened the medicine cabinet. No Mideol but there was a bottle of Advil that expired last month. She opened the bottle and swallowed a little brown pill, just as someone called from outside, “Hey girl! More booze!”

“I’ll be right there!” she said sweetly. She moaned before looking at herself in the mirror. The girl tried to straighten her hair as well as her coffee stained nametag with the words “Rose Mary” written on them.

Rose Mary ran back out to the counter where brown orange bottle of rum and whiskey, glistened under the orange lanterns. She took out a dusty bottle, uncorked it, and poured its contents into three clear beer flasks. She placed the flasks on a tray and carried the tray out to the only occupied table. Sitting down was a French Man, a Spaniard, and an Italian, each of them very red in the face, the French one especially.

“Ah! The booze!” The Frenchman slurred, before passing out, falling to the floor.

Rose Mary sighed as she put the tray down, passing each man a drink.

“HA!” grunted the Spaniard, “Couldn’t last five glasses! Only used to the watered down wine.”

“Put our bill on him,” said the Italian, “You can do that, can’t you sweetheart?” He reached down and rubbed her behind.

Resist the urge to put poison in his cup, resist the urge to put poison in his cup, resist the urge to put poison in his cup, Rose Mary thought. Forcing a smile, she said, “Of course!”

Rose Mary picked up the tray and walked back to the counter. Finding nothing to do, she began to clean the wine stained counter top, until the door to the Boss’s office burst open, making Rose Mary, the Spaniard and the Italian jump. The Frenchman continued to snore.

“Girl! Git me my gun!” the Boss thundered, spraying his ale breath.

“Oh, here we go again,” Rose Mary muttered.

It was one thing if the Boss was drunk, but now he had a crazed look in his eyes. Something was off; that was the only reason Rose Mary reluctantly took the shotgun out from behind the counter and it handed over to her boss. She quickly glanced for a place to hide if things got ugly.

“I smell ‘em! I smell ‘em! I’m sure of it!” His eyes shot around the room wildly. “ ’ragons!”

Rose Mary’s heart shrunk. Dragons; of all the mythological creatures in the world, why did dragons turn out to be real? Of course it didn’t help either that when Earth put up it’s colonies on Mary they woke up the dragons and demons from their millennium long slumber, causing them to go on a rampage and a war between beast and man to start. Rose Mary was the sole survivor of a dragon clan attack; thanks to them she was now stuck here in the middle of nowhere.

“You can smell dragons?” The Italian raised his eyebrow, very skeptical.

“I can! Ever heard of the battle of Col. Eisenhower? I was there!” the Boss trembled, his crazed eyes looking around the bar, “I was one of five that ‘ere spared! Since then, I can smell them coming and he’s near, he’s near…”

As Rose Mary cowered behind the counter, she heard the rumble of a motorcycle closing in on the bar. The Boss raised the rifle to the door, steadying his aim. The motorcycle died down outside and five seconds later the front door opened. Rose Mary screamed as the gun went off.

“Whoa! Hey! Do you try to kill your customers before you serve them?”

Rose Mary raised her head a little. It was just a guy. Correction, a guy with red skin and pointed ears: a demon. Rose Mary was only a heartbeat away from panic attack. A demon was just as bad. In most demons, if they even caught the faintest whiff of blood, they went completely bloodlust, killing as many as hundreds before they were satisfied. And she just happened to be her time of the month…

“Man, did I ever choose a place to take a pit stop,” the demon walked between the tables, as the Italian and the Spaniard quickly jumped back in their seats, drinking beer by the gallon. The Boss had already thrown down his shotgun and disappeared back into his office.

As the demon sat down, Rose Mary slowly got out from underneath the counter. “Can I help you?” she asked her voice as quiet as a mouse.

The demon wore sunglasses, even though the bar was well lit considering the lights were about to fade out. “Got anything spicy?” he asked.

“Spicy?” asked Rose Mary.

“Yeah, spicy. You know like tacos, burritos…”

“Sir, if you haven’t noticed this is a bar,” informed Rose Mary.

He glanced behind him, looking at the Italian and the Spaniard as they started another drinking contest. “Oh…”

“Tell you what, I’ll make you a Sloppy Joe, free of charge, since my boss nearly killed you,” she suggested, trying not to displease him, “least I could do.”

“That’s kind of you,” said the demon, “I know this is a bar, but you don’t happen to serve Ginger Tea, do you?”

“Sorry,” replied Rose Mary.

He slumped on the counter, disappointed. “Man…”

“I could get you some hot water, if you want.”

“Yeah! That’ll be great,” he smiled.

“I’ll be right back!” she took the order and quickly made the barbecue and boiled hot water.

Rose Mary was back out in five minutes with the order. “I wasn’t sure if you wanted cheese or not, so…” she started but stopped when he wolfed down the sandwitch.

“Hungry, aren’t you?” she noticed.

“Yeah,” he said in between bites, “my boss said I had to take this job so far out of town. Haven’t stopped all day.”

A boss? Usually demons were loners, other than clans, thought Rose Mary.

The demon stopped eating, and whipped his face with his sleeve. “Man, wish my boss could cook that good. She burns almost everything,” he then glanced at her wrist, “That’s an interesting tattoo.”

“Oh this thing?” Rose Mary hid the mark with her sleeve, “It’s just where I accidentally marked myself with my Sharpie,” she lied.

Truth be told, it was a tattoo, a barcode. Which marked her as a slave. After the colonies were set up on Mars and the demons and dragons set lose, the slave trade was brought back, not just on those of African descent but rather the survivors of the dragon clan attacks. All slaves were tattoo with a barcode on their wrists. Even through the slave trade was completely crushed by the federal government, there were still slaves in bondage. A reward was given to anyone who brought in a slave and its owner thrown in jail, a law passed at least two years ago. The Boss had threatened Rose Mary never to say anything of her disposition for fear of being arrested and exposed for previous crimes.

“Sharpie?” he asked.

“Yeah, if I can’t find a pen, I use a Sharpie to take orders,” she gave a false laugh.

“Really,” he took a sip of his water, “How old are you?”

“Sixteen…why?”

“You’re underage and you’re working in a bar?”

Rose Mary frowned, “Just because I work here doesn’t mean I drink.”

“I didn’t mean that! I mean shouldn’t you be in school?”

“I’m…uh…home schooled,” she lied.

“Girl! Git in ‘ere! Now!” bellowed the Boss from his office.

Rose Mary rolled her eyes and put down her washcloth. What does he want this time, she thought.

Rose Mary opened the office door, “I’m with a customer.”

“Git in ‘ere!”

Rose Mary suddenly felt rebellious. “I’m with a customer,” she repeated.

“I said God damn it-” he threw a beer bottle at the wall, “git in ‘ere!”

Completely crushed, Rose Mary quietly stepped inside, “I don’t know what your problem is,” the Boss thundered, “but you better knock it the **** off right now.”

Blame it on PMS, thought Rose Mary.

“As for that demon,” he opened another bottle of whiskey, “throw ‘im out.”

“But he’s a customer!”

“I don’t care if he’s Mother Teresa,” ordered the Boss, “throw ‘im out.”

Rebellion was coursing back through her veins. Rose Mary couldn’t stop it, it was coming, ready to erupt.

“No,” she said defiantly, “I won’t. You can get up off your lazy bum ass and do it yourself.”

The Boss suddenly grabbed Rose Mary’s collar and pushed her against the wall, his greasy hand choking her neck.

“Now listen here girl!” he thundered, “You’re my slave and I can do whatever the hell I wan with ya! You should be lucky I haven’t done half the stuff the other slave girls have gone through. You’re mine until the devil ‘imself comes and drags me to hell. And you best remember it! Git back to work!”

The Boss threw her aside into the hallway but instead of hitting the hard wooden floor, someone caught her. She looked up and found she was in the demon’s arms.

“Hi there!” he smiled.

“Hey! Can’t you read? Say employees only!” the Boss pointed to the sign on the door.

The demon ignored him and helped Rose Mary up. “Are you alright?” he asked.

Rose Mary nodded as the Boss shouted, “Hey! Are ya listening?”

“I’m listening; with ears like these, my hearing’s pretty good. In fact, I could hear every word you two said from all the way out there,” he glared at the Boss. He then turned back to Rose Mary. “May I see your arm?”

Rose Mary glanced at the Boss. He glared at her, forbidding her to move. Rose Mary glared back. She had waited for so long for this moment, for someone to discover she was a slave and liberate her. But then again…the guy was a demon. Why would he care if she a slave or not?

No, she thought, this may be my one and only chance.

Rose Mary extended her arm and he took it gently and pulled her sleeve back.

“No! It doesn’t look what it seems!” the Boss suddenly cried when the tattoo was revealed, “The girl works for me legally, I swear. I can show you her papers!”

Yeah right, thought Rose Mary. The demon took a gadget out of his coat, a type of scanner. He pressed the one side on top of the barcode and at once, Rose Mary’s arm went cold. Then it warmed up as the little laser inside the scanner analyzed the mark.

When the scanner was finished, the demon looked at the screen as the results came back. “It says here, this girl isn’t registered with the government as an ex-slave,” the demon put away his scanner, “I guess that’s one more felony you can add to your resume…Captain Nathaniel Silver of the Earth Alliance. Wanted for treason, arson, extortion and now possession of a girl in bondage. As a member of the Martian Bounty Hunters and Negotiators, I hereby place you under arrest.” He raised his firearm he had concealed in his jacket.

A bounty hunter, thought Rose Mary. Well that was certainly unexpected.

“I ain’t gong!” declared the Boss, “You can threaten me all you want, but I ain’t going!”

As quick as a rat, the Boss pulled a firearm out of his desk and fired twice at the demon and Rose Mary. The demon pushed Rose Mary aside behind a barrel of ale, as the bullets flew pass.

The bounty hunter took off his jacket and handed it to Rose Mary. “You’re only making it worse Silver!” he shouted. He then added to Rose Mary, “Stay here.” He jumped up and fired at the Boss, Silver, several times, as Silver cowered behind his desk.

Rose Mary placed the jacket over her arms. It was heavy but warm and it smelled almost like cinnamon buns.

She then peered out from behind the barrel and watched the gunfight. Several bullets had pierced a casket of whiskey, spilling its contents over the floor. Rose Mary watched as a wayward bullet shot at the lamp above. The lamp dropped into a puddle of whisky, including a live wire, igniting the liquids into a fire.

As the fire grew and the smoke got thicker, Rose Mary saw both the demon and Silver jump out of the their hiding places and fired several times at each other. A bullet hit the bounty hunter’s sunglasses, flying them off his head, and another hit Silver in the stomach.

Silver collapsed, dropping his weapon to the ground. The demon started at him and from where she was, Rose Mary could see his yellow eyes, not of the color red that signified a demon.

“I see…” Silver managed to say, “I knew I smelled a dragon. You’re that bounty hunter…Red. You’re the dragon that betrayed your kind and became a demon. I heard it was because ya got sick of the bloodshed,” Silver started to cough as his life drained away. Red just stood there starring at Silver.

“So the Boss was right,” whispered Rose Mary, “that’s why he didn’t go berserk when he came near me.”

“That girl lost her home to a dragon clan, her entire family wiped out. So tell me…how many families have you killed?” asked Silver.

“Shut up!” Red pointed his gun at Silver’s hand.

“Go ahead, shoot. I don’t have much time left anyway. Just kill me quick,” Silver coughed again, “unlike that children you tortured before you killed them.”

Rose Mary heard Red fire and Silver’s body fell to the floor.

“I never killed any children,” Red said putting away his gun, “may God have mercy on your soul.”

Rose Mary stood up, looking at Red, uncertain whether or not she should thank him. He was after all a dragon.

“Aw dam it!” yelled Red, causing Rose Mary to jump, “I wasn’t suppose to kill him! My boss is going to kill me!”

Rose Mary stared at him. Who was this guy? He was a dragon turned demon but he acted…human.

The two of them both became aware of the fire still burning around them. Rose Mary glanced at a few sealed containers in the back about to catch on fire. “No way…” moaned Rose Mary.

“Let me guess,” frowned Red, noticing the containers, “compressed highly flammable containments.”

Actually liquidated gases under pressure but still highly flammable.

“Yep.”

“Of course. RUN!” Red pulled Rose Mary out of the office, back out front.

The kitchen was already ablaze and it was hard to move through the flames, but Red seemed to know where he was going. He helped her outside just before the bar exploded. Red and Rose Mary were thrown a few feet forward from the shockwave.

Rose Mary landed on her face into the red iron dirt. She turned around to see the bar burning to ashes. Well that was one way to get out of bondage.

The Italian and Spaniard emerged from the wreckage dragging the Frenchman behind, bottles of ale in the other hand.

“Dam bounty hunters,” cursed the Italian, “Always ruin a good time.”

Red stood up and sighed, “Well, what’s done is done. I can take you to the nearest government office and have them look up any trances of your family, or you can hang with me. Either way, you‘re my responsibility,” he held put his hand.

“I don’t have any family,” Rose Mary looked up at him, “But I’ll go with you. Besides,” she started to smile taking his hand, “I seem to be safer with you.”

He helped her up smiling back. “That’s true.” He led her to his motorcycle, a shinny looking Harley-Davison. “But first, maybe a stop at the drug store for your…oh you know…”

So much for not smelling her blood. Rose Mary took a seat behind Red, wrapping her arms around his waist. Red started up the engine and got the motorcycle on the road.

For some reason, more than ever she felt at ease. Maybe it was Red’s body was warm. Or maybe his brown hair blowing in the air made him look cute. But did it really matter?

There would be hardships to come, Rose Mary knew that well. But right now in this moment she felt she was the luckiest girl on Mars. Whatever came next, she was sure she could handle it. With a little help of course, as long as Red was around that is.

[Ecstasy]

Well, since no one seems to enjoy commenting in this section, I'll give it a shot.

The first thing you need to do is tighten up your sentences. "“****,” the hand’s owner stopped her foot, a young waitress in a dirty and faded dress and apron." The way you have this sentence worded, it seems like "foot" is the "young waitress." For it to make more sense, "the hand's owner, a young waitress in a dirty, faded dress, stomped her foot" works much better. Dangling participles are a big no-no. Try to avoid switching tenses in your story. "Rose Mary sighed as she put the tray down, passing each man a drink." The verb passing (present tense) throws off the the verb sighed (present tense). Pick and stick, please. This happened far too frequently in the story.

A good portion of the sentences are awkwardly worded. I can't exactly explain what I mean, but I'll give you an example. "Sitting down was a French Man, a Spaniard, and an Italian, each of them very red in the face, the French one especially." First off, your verb choice is wrong. It should be were. When the subject is plural, were takes the place of was. If you hadn't started the sentence off with "sitting down" you would have realized this. It sounds much better written something likes this: "A Spaniard, Italian, and French Man sat, red-faced and flushed, around the table." The story is littered with examples like this, but it's more of your job to go through and find and edit them.

The dialogue (actually, the whole story) comes across as somewhat cheesy. The tone and style are very amateur-ish. As I said before, the sentence structure really needs tightening. I cringed at some points; "“Oh this thing?” Rose Mary hid the mark with her sleeve, “It’s just where I accidentally marked myself with my Sharpie,” she lied." .. "Rose Mary raised her head a little. It was just a guy. Correction, a guy with red skin and pointed ears: a demon. " Stay away from cliched phrases, like the "correction."

Again, with the wording of the sentences, your verbs are boring. Sentences revolve around verbs; a single word will make or break it. Count how many times you used state of being verbs. Whatever that number is, try to cut down by at least half. Even when you do use action verbs, the word choices are often bland. Diction and syntax need to be worked on. "It was one thing if the Boss was drunk, but now he had a crazed look in his eyes." I'll rewrite it, and you'll see how word choice and structure will completely change the sound of the sentence. "The boss's eyes gleamed manically; the serious sobriety of the look debased his feeble, drunken expressions." Verbs like gleamed and debased heighten the intensity of the boss's stare; every word in that sentence has a purpose. When you write a story, diction should not take a back seat to plot.

Now just nit-picky things. An ellipses is properly used like this: "Hey... this is an ellipses!" There are three dots and then a space. And start using commas, semicolons, and hyphens.

Finally, don't take any of the critique personally. With time and practice (and perhaps a little AP English) you'll see your writing style really take a concrete form. You just need to focus on your actual writing a little bit more.

[cream_sugar]

Do you have an english major or something? And I wrote this like two years ago. My writing is much better now (thought I do admit, some of the dialogue was cheezy). And believe me, I tried to get into AP English.

PS: I can't tell if you like it or not.