joke thread for the well read

[Reflection]

Originally Posted by Massive Attack

what did the writer say when asked if he's going to finish his pretentious, preachy novel
"i'll get a rand to it"

teehee i like this one <3

[Square Ninja]

my favorite classy porn:
the old man and the semen

what do you call it when dan brown has irritable bowel syndrome???
the da vinci chode

what was the cutest part of world war II?
the bridge over the river kawaii~

[wu tang goku]

what happened to the shaggy ceramics guy
he was a hairy potter

what did the apprentice wizard call the other apprentice wizard who wouldnt stop staring
hereyeonme granger

where can you find the misplaced fall of man
in the paradise lost and found

what was the popular catch phrase of the little engine that could work at a campbells foods plant
i think i can i think i can i think i can

[scubasteve]

what did the guy say after he got his arms cut off
farewell arms

police: this is the police open up
criminal: what is this we are innocent leave us alone
police: no you are under a rest
criminal: what this cannot be
police: you will come with us
criminal: dude this is bogus i didn't even do anything
police: don't give me that shit you know you did it
criminal: fuck that all i did was smoke a little but that's not illegal
police: yeah you did go home
criminal: i can't go home my car broke down
police: well let me take you to the police station and you can call your parents
criminal: ok i think can do that

so then the police and the criminal are in the car and they stop at an abandoned warehouse

criminal: this doesn't look like a police station
police: you've been tricked big poppa
criminal: dagnabbit
police: heh heh
criminal: well i'm just gonna walk home from here
police: you better watch out we're a long way from home
criminal: don't worry i've got a golden compass

[wu tang goku]

and now a special treat....

Cooking:
with Upton "Upty" Sinclair

upty: hello everyone, its twilight, i am upton sinclair, the "beowulf of cooking," and welcome to my show

<uproarious applause>

<upty does a jig>

upty: my assistant this evening will be the lovely, luscious "Blue Roses"

<applause>

upty: Blue Roses, what are we going to cook today

br: tonight we have a special dish, called "Sir Gawain and the Green eggs and ham," sir

upty: well by golly lets give em a show, girlfriend

upty: first, we will gut the pig, cut its throat, spill its blood. yes it is very gruesome even for a deerslayer. but actually we already have that done for us. here is the pig, ready to cook.

<applause>

upty: yes i will just put this pig into the "Dante's Inferno" deep fat fryer, a David Copperfield product. this replaces our older model, the "cask of amontillado" also by David Copperfield. David Copperfield is one of our sponsors tonight.

br: he sure is, upty

upty: now where did i place those eggs, blue roses

br: i do not know upty, but i do know that a tree grows in brooklyn

upty: where are you eggs, you cant hyde from me mr jekyll. oh here they are. these eggs are special now, these are different. they come from where the wild things are, right in the very heart of darkness

br & audience: oooooooo

upty: yes these arent your ordinary eggs from the shire, now, so be careful blue roses.

br: i will sir, but i have to express my "quiet desperation"

upty: shut up wench and bleeping gimme my eggs

<applause and laughter>

upty: now then, we are going to boil these eggs in 20,000 leagues of water. let me see how our ham is doing it should be done. what the freak happened?!!

br: oh my gosh sir it seems it did not cook well at all, its a burnt mess....

upty: well this is a long dark tea time of the soul isnt it now blue roses. it seems we forgot something. something to put into the fryer to make it cook.

br: what is that sir

upty: Oil!

[Square Ninja]

Originally Posted by wu tang goku

and now a special treat....

upty: Oil!

how the hell do you follow this one up

thread over every one go home