A new Beginning

[Aqua.]

This story is based off Kingdom Hearts 358/2 days.
Day 1: Born in Twilight town awakening from a lost memory. A hooded man appears to sora asking if he remember his true name. The Sora looked confused wondering what he is talking about. This name is a-new you, said the hooded man. The Sora new name was Roxas a nobody with an “X”. The new named Roxas then disappear with the hooded man and appeared in TWTNW. The hooded man walk’s with Roxas into a room called……”Meeting Room”. The hooded man then took off his hood……. Who was he, we will find out later. Roxas first day in the Organization, not knowing what duties he will have to cover or friends he will soon befriend.

Xemnas: We have some important information? We have a person that joined the Organization.
Axel: Who is it?
Xemnas: Relax Axel, his name is Roxas, born in Twilight town.
Axel: Hey I’m Axel and you are____?
Roxas: I’m Roxas……………….
Axel: Nice to meet you, I have a feeling that where going to be best friends?
Roxas: You think so_____?(Unsure)
Axel: Yeah?
Marluxia: Enough of this reunion, continue master Xemnas……
Xemnas: Thank you Marluxia……….As we all know we found another castle called…..”Castle Oblivion”. Inbetween light and darkness. There is a mistery there and I need some member’s to head over there and solve it. Zexion, Vexen, Lexaus, Larexence, Axel, and Marluxia.
Xemnas: I want you Marluxia to be the lord of Castle Oblivion.
Marluxia: Understand master Xemans…………..
Roxas soon later that knew that he would stay here and complete him duties alone. Not knowing anybody else in the Organization, his soon buddy Axel wasn’t here to comfort him anymore.
Day 2: Mission in Completion
Roxas second day in the Organization was going to be a rough start for him.
Xemnas: Everyone’s duties here are to kill heartless everyday and collect those heartless.
Xigbar: “As If”(Cocky), Why don’t we let the new person do all the work. Hehe.
Xemnas: This is a task that everyone must complete inorder to obtain our goal.
Roxas: What goal are seeking, Xemnas?(confused look)
Xemnas: Soon my friend, you will know everything that you need to know. It’s only in a matter of time.(Evil laugh)



This was just a preview of chapter 1 since Star light was going away. I wanted her to see half of it..
I hope you guys liked it. Tell me what I need to work on and I will do so…………..

[Terra215]

Nice job I say it was alright except for some spelling eros

[Terra215]

nice job u may have had a few spelling wrong but it was pretty goodXD

[Sora3525]

awesome i kinda like it but alittle more stuff.

[Aqua.]

Originally Posted by Terra215

nice job u may have had a few spelling wrong but it was pretty goodXD

Thanks. When I saw the minor mistake's I made I was shocked.............lol
but it's still not finish yet

[Marluxia.light]

This sound great, but think you already notice these minor error's. But it was a great story continue writing, I'll be here to help.

[tazztig]

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD STORY..... minor error's though

[kazukifafner]

COMMENTS/CORRECTIONS IN BOLD

Originally Posted by Aqua.

This story is based off Kingdom Hearts 358/2 days.
Day 1: Born in Twilight, (forgot a comma) town awakening from a lost memory. A hooded man appears to (capitalize peoples names, lol >) Sora, (again, a comma) asking if he remembers his true name. (Why are you using "the"?)The Sora looked confused, wondering what he is talking about. This name is a-new you, said the hooded man. The Sora's (possessive needed) new name was Roxas a nobody with an “X”. The newly named Roxas then disappear with the hooded man and appeared in TWTNW (While I understand that most people here would understand what that acronym stands for, you have to remember that this is writing, and as such acronyms should only be used for organizations, not worlds). The hooded man walks removed an apostrophe) with Roxas into a room called…… (What's with the dotted line? I understand that it is being used for dramatic effect, but why?)”Meeting Room”. The hooded man then took off his hood……. Who was he, we will find out later. Roxas first day in the Organization, not knowing what duties he will have to cover or friends he will soon befriend.

Xemnas: We have some important information? We have a person that joined the Organization.
Axel: Who is it?
Xemnas: Relax Axel, his name is Roxas, born in Twilight town.
Axel: Hey I’m Axel and you are____?
Roxas: I’m Roxas……………….
Axel: Nice to meet you, I have a feeling that where going to be best friends?
Roxas: You think so_____?(Unsure)
Axel: Yeah?
Marluxia: Enough of this reunion, continue master Xemnas……
Xemnas: Thank you Marluxia……….As we all know we found another castle called…..”Castle Oblivion”. Inbetween light and darkness. There is a mistery there and I need some member’s to head over there and solve it. Zexion, Vexen, Lexaus, Larexence, Axel, and Marluxia.
Xemnas: I want you Marluxia to be the lord of Castle Oblivion.
Marluxia: Understand master Xemans…………..
Roxas soon later that knew that he would stay here and complete him duties alone. Not knowing anybody else in the Organization, his soon buddy Axel wasn’t here to comfort him anymore.
Day 2: Mission in Completion
Roxas second day in the Organization was going to be a rough start for him.
Xemnas: Everyone’s duties here are to kill heartless everyday and collect those heartless.
Xigbar: “As If”(Cocky), Why don’t we let the new person do all the work. Hehe.
Xemnas: This is a task that everyone must complete inorder to obtain our goal.
Roxas: What goal are seeking, Xemnas?(confused look)
Xemnas: Soon my friend, you will know everything that you need to know. It’s only in a matter of time.(Evil laugh)



This was just a preview of chapter 1 since Star light was going away. I wanted her to see half of it..
I hope you guys liked it. Tell me what I need to work on and I will do so…………..

This does seem to be pretty interesting, but it has quite a few minor flaws that hurt it. I know you were in a hurry to get this out, but still, I'd run it through a word processor to catch some of these little errors. I didn't see much that was conceptually wrong (after all, this is just a short preview, lol), but I think you should work on avoiding some of the obvious technical mistakes.

Shaping up to be pretty good. Just work on editing it.

[1-up salesman]

well, I personally don't think it should be done like a script for a movie..but whatev. The thing is, it's alot like the 358/2 fanfic that Star Light is writing.

[tazztig]

Originally Posted by 1-up salesman

well, I personally don't think it should be done like a script for a movie..but whatev. The thing is, it's alot like the 358/2 fanfic that Star Light is writing.

No, if you were in the writer shop then you would know. But your not, Aqua is making her's from the beginning starlight is starting her's when roxas was in TT day 1.

[Aqua.]

THIS STORY IS ALMOST LIKE STARLIGHT'S

[Star Light]

I noticed. I have a minor sugestion. You don't have to change it. I sugest writing like you would see in a story. This is almost like roleplaying. Write more author, than script.

Script...
Romeo: Oh Juliet, Juliet...
Juliet: Yes my dear Romeo.

Writing...
"Oh Juliet, Juliet." Romeo said to Juliet.

"Yes my dear Romeo." Juliet answered back.


See?

[-Arcana-X-]

^ I totally lol'd.
That's right, you should change your script into quotes. Originally I thought you kept it that way because it was just a preview and this was your plan before you write it into a chapter. It makes your story flow better and easier to read. For example,

"As if, " retorted Xigbar cockily.

[tazztig]

Originally Posted by Star Light

I noticed. I have a minor sugestion. You don't have to change it. I sugest writing like you would see in a story. This is almost like roleplaying. Write more author, than script.

Script...
Romeo: Oh Juliet, Juliet...
Juliet: Yes my dear Romeo.

Writing...
"Oh Juliet, Juliet." Romeo said to Juliet.

"Yes my dear Romeo." Juliet answered back.


See?

She knows already, but it still was a good story.>>