358/2

[Star Light]

Hey everybody... I found the bibliography well I didn't but I know where it at! It's at the local trash dump. My mom thought it was trash and threw it away. Anyway since I don't have it and can't post it, it's time for 358/2! Here it is. Book 1: Birth: Sora~Roxas, Book 2:Organization 13, Book 3: Number 14~.......!
With this one I hope it will be good because these are the only books. I hope you enjoy!
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Birth: Sora~Roxas
Chapter 1
While our hero Sora was going through Castle Oblivion a certain person or nobody was born. His name was Sora or that was his true name. Nobodies usually change their name. Sora was born in Twilight Town. He had no parents, friends, home, munny, or a life. He was just a wondering shell of a sombody. He knew that. One day he was walking out to the place serving as his home. The Old Mansion. To Sora it felt different that day.

"What a mess! That guy was freeking out forever chasing me ll the way to the entrance to the woods. I'm out of breath! Well here we are... huh?" Sora was talking to himself and notice something. Sora was looking torward the gate. A man in a black cloak was standing there. The man turned around. You could not see his face at all. It was surrounded. Sora ran to the side of him.

"Hey! What do you want." Sora said angry.

"I'm here to make you an offer Sora. I'm here to give you a home, friends, a purpose, and the chance to become a somebody." The man said

"What? How do you know my name?" Sora said a little confused.

"Because I have been watching your somebody for sometime now. I want to give you the life he had. Now Sora are you willing to join my Organization? Organization 13?" The man asked Sora.
"
Organization 13? Hmmmm... sure why not I have no where else to go."

"Good, you will have to lose your true name. Forget as I might point out. Alow me to give you a new name." The man used magic and allowed Sora to see his name in front of him. Sora was written in front of him. The man scrambled his name around in front of Sora. The man created a X and put it in the center. Sora was forgetting his name. He looked at it and said it alowed.
"Roxas... Owwww. My head." Sora said loosing thoughts. Sora completly forgot his name.

"Now Roxas. What is your true name?" The man asked.

Roxas looked at him and answered. "Roxas."

"Good..." The man answered.

His name was now Roxas. He would live to it.

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Here ya go all fixed up. I hope you enjoy now!

[Lycanthrope]

Well, try not to write in script first of all. Try quotation marks. Instead of:

The man: Good, you will have to lose your true name. Forget as I might point out. Alow me to give you a new name.

Try...:

"Good, you will have to lose your true name. Forget as I might point out. Allow me to give you a new name," the man suggested.

Also, try to space out the paragraphs.

[Star Light]

Ok I will for chapter 2. Unfortanate I can't write Chapter 2 yet because I thought I grabbed chapter 1 and 2 but I didn't. I'm at my grandparents.

EDIT: It's all fixed now Frozen. I hope you and the rest of you enjoy it.

[-Arcana-X-]

While I'll hero Sora

Our Hero?

diffrent

Spelling: different

The major mistake that popped out was adding quotation, as FF said. It's good for a documentary, but for narratives, it's better to use quotes and describe the settings more. Such as,

As Sora was approaching his makeshift home, he felt different. Nobody else lived in the scary old mansion, but today he felt a presence. He walked towards the opening to the dark forest which led to the Mansion, and...etc.

What I would improve on:
- Elaborating the story: setting, characters, emotions etc
- Simple mistakes: spelling, punctuation etc.
- SHOW AND TELL!!!!

Nice job for being a dedicated writer!

[Star Light]

Originally Posted by -Arcana-X-

Our Hero?

Spelling: different

The major mistake that popped out was adding quotation, as FF said. It's good for a documentary, but for narratives, it's better to use quotes and describe the settings more. Such as,


What I would improve on:
- Elaborating the story: setting, characters, emotions etc
- Simple mistakes: spelling, punctuation etc.
- SHOW AND TELL!!!!

Nice job for being a dedicated writer!

Fixing it right away. I was eating dinner at the same time typing this not really paying attention to spelling. I was also having my brother read it to me while I typed it. It sounded like I'll. Yeah on my paper I have our. Let me fix these mistakes.

Emotions are coming up soon, and when you say showing tell do you mean pictures? Sure I guess I can get some. Coming up soon.

[-Arcana-X-]

LOL That's my statement. SHOW AND TELL PEOPLE!

not material pictures! Here's what I mean:
Telling means that you just write the actions straight out, with nothing added.

I walked to the store. I bought cake. I ate the cake. The End

Booring right?
That's where we go to Showing. Showing is adding elaboaration. Description!!!

Today morning, I drowsily woke up from my soft bed. Did I have to go to work this morning? As I went down the steps to the 1st floor, my shoulders drooped, I decided to have a little drink. So I walked to the kitchen, noticing that the calender was still stuck on June. Sighing to myself, I went to the fridge and flipped up the calender to July. And that's where chaos began.

Yeah. She forgot someone's birthday I'm hungry!!!

So you see, theres alot of difference between showing and telling. Showing creates a better story than telling. by adding quotes, you'll involutarily be adding more and more description to your story, developing your skills.

[Star Light]

I see and thought I had plenty of that. That much for the begining that is. This is Roxas really is born. I'll keep the picture for now and won't put any more in.

[-Arcana-X-]

There's a picture now? -looks up-
I see your revisions now. Looks pretty good!

[Lycanthrope]

I did notice a few things Arcana mentioned the first time, but now the revisions aer pretty good. nice visual. Can't wait for more.

[Star Light]

Chapter 2
"Roxas, now that you belong to Organization 13 you must show me your power!" The man said creating a portale.

"My power? What... this?" Roxas said sumoning a keyblade.

"Yes, now this way Roxas. Into the portale." The man said.

"Uhhh, ok. Hey you never told me your name!" Roxas said.

"Oh yes. see when we are outside headquarters we are to hide our idenity. Especially in battle. Here we are. Main base. Our base is on the world that never was. Now Roxas your power must double. Thus you must wield two keyblades." The man said.

Roxas looked around. The base was in a big castle.

"Well...?" The man said.

"Oh, Ok. By the way what's your name?" Roxas asked. Roxas started to focus. Roxas sumoned two keyblades.

"Oh yes!" The man said. He removed his hood. "My name is Xemnas. Ahhh the Oblivion and Oathkeeper Keyblade. Two very great weapons. You know about them right? You have your somebodies memory correct?" The man named Xemnas asked.

"Ahhh, yeah. The keyblade a weapon of light and can be dark, too. I have all of Sora's memories." Roxas said.

"Yes, now come with me Roxas." Xemnas said.

They walked into a big empty room. When they were in the middle of the room, the floor moved. It was a giant elevator. Once at the top there was another door way. They entered. The next room there was a red hair man in about his twenties.

"Axel! Show young Roxas around the castle. Later bring him to the meeting room." Xemnas said to the red hair man who's name was Roxas.

"Well, Xemnas why not you? You have nothing better to do." Axel said. Roxas laughed.

"Hahaha. Do you have anyhing planned Axel?" Xemnas said.

"Well..." Axel answered.

"It's decided then. Axel give Roxas a tour." Xemnas said creating a portale and left.

"Ahhh..." Axel answered and looked at Roxas.

"Well if it's a problem I can..." Roxas said.

"No. No biggie. I usually give everyone who's new a tour. Here." Axel said. Roxas came and they started the tour. They went everywhere in the castle. When they came to the room proof of existance Axel walked up to a portale door way thing. On the post was a note. Axel quickly read it.

"Roxas, here." Axel said.

Roxas came. They entered the door way. When they entered there was a big room. Really big windows. A big long table in the middle of the room. On the follow wall was another door. On the wall was a bunch of art work. Axel walked over to the other door.

"Roxas this room and next is your room. Sorry about all the work. This room used to belong to Namine. She's gone now.Hey Roxas who's your somebody?" Axel asked.

"What? My somebody? Well I don't know him if that's what your asking? His name was Sora." Roxas said.

"I thought you looked formiliar." Axel said.

"What?" Roxas said and ran up to Axel who had his hand on the door knob.

"Oh nothing I pull that prank on everyone. Here come on." Axel said he opened the door.

The two walked in. A bed was in the middle when they walked in. There was two rather small windows above each nightstand next to the bed. To the right of Roxas and Axel was a big table with a chair. It's ment to be a desked. To the left was another door. In the leftnad corner was another door. To the right was a TV with a PS2 attached to it.

"Wow! You're lucky. They never gave me a PS2. Now come here." Axel said. Walking infront of the door closes to them.

"This is your closet. That other door leads to the meeting room your chair. We can't enter yet. You can soon. Now..." Axel said then opened the door. "Just like me and Xemnas plus everyone else in the organization, you must wear a black cloak everyday. Put one on. It's a walkin closet so change in here. I'll wait out here." Axel said.

"Ok..." Roxas said as he entered. Inside Roxas removed all his cloths but underwear/boxers. He put on the pant that was there. He put on the shirt that was there. He then put on the cloak. Then last the boots. He had put on all that was there. All the clothing was black. He stepped out of the closet to see Axel playing his PS2. "Hey I thought that this was my room and that was my PS2!" Roxas said. He walked over. There was a second cntroller he sat down next to Axel and picked it up.

"You want to play?" Axel said and switiched the game to two players.

[Lanydx]

not bad keep at it But Roxas was born when sora died at hollao basitin

[Star Light]

Yeah I thought so but I read somewhere that all nobodies were born in Twilight and meaning they were born at Twilight Town. I should have written the site down but I didn't. I know it was a KH site. I just don't rember what site.

[Lycanthrope]

Eh not bad. One thing I noticed is the misspeelling of portal, not portale.

[Star Light]

I am pretty good at English, and good at writing. I can't spell though. That and Spanish are my weak spots in school.

[Lycanthrope]

Just wondering, are you not a native born English speaker?