Want some critique on your writings?

[Takushi Rena]

RANDOM IDEA TIME IS AWESOME YES IT IS :D

Okies! Here's a critique post and here's how it works: You post up a chapter [a section of it is preferred, as you're only allowed to put up something with less than 400 words; if this is too much, lemme know!], a short story no longer than 400 words, or any other writing work. Poems aren't really good things to post, but if someone says they don't mind reading a poem, then feel free to post it!

However, before you can post up that writing, you have to critique the post above you. I ask that you PLEASE put some effort into this, as constructive criticism is great, and if you guys don't put any effort into it, then I'll close down the thread. This is to help everyone improve. You don't have to post, but you have to put some effort into posting.

After you post up your critique and your writing, the next post does the same thing: critique and their writing. That's pretty much it. You can also request what exactly you want criticism on: dialogue, flow, characterization, etc. Just remember that not all of those requests can be filled, since some people aren't great with the things you requested.

This is probably going to be a test run for now. If it works, great! I'll keep up the thread. If it does, expect a close.

To start it off, I guess I'll post something... And, as for a request, I need help with keeping my chapters shorter. ^^;

------------------

Though they were dormant, you could see their anxiety. The heavy breathing, the beads of sweat, and their expression; they looked lost and terrified, despite being asleep.

But, a quick jolt can lead to so many things.

"AH!" a high-pitched scream hung over the dark, dusty alley, before quickly dissipating cautiously. A bare hand covered their mouth as a pair of deep blue eyes swept back and forth across the horizon. They were still terrified.

Still alert and stiff, they lowered their hand from their mouth and gave a sigh of relief, even though that sigh wouldn't calm their wildly beating heart.

"...I hate it," a child-like voice escaped from the lips of a young girl as she hugged her knees with her arms, giving a sniffle.

If you had walked past the alley and saw the small girl, you would've seen that 10-year-old girl there.

But if you thought such a thing, you would've received a curled up fist to your cheek, or your arm. She was thirteen years old, not ten! That was an easy mistake: she didn't really look like she had gotten any taller in the past three years of being on this gigantic world. No one noticed, anyways.

Long, brown bangs covered over the young girl's face, especially the bunch pointing slightly outwards but still managing to keep her left eye out of sight. Only one deep blue eye shimmered through the darkness, making the girl seem rather eerie if you were just walking past.

Her clothes were simple, however: a black t-shirt with a turtleneck, a black wristband, a pair of khaki cargo shorts, and a pair of black skater shoes. The only strange thing was the pair of goggles around her neck and the two twin yo-yos safely tucked away in her pockets.

The sound of the nearby ocean crept into the girl's ears, and almost seemed like an alarm clock. Before she was rather drowsy and out of it. But now? The tomboy was wide awake and up to her feet. Especially when a strange growling sound echoed throughout the corner of the alley. She merely gave a groan.

With haste, she exited the alley and made a march down the sidewalk. The smell only made the growl grow louder.

[Star Light]

Oh but I want my entire series. Hey your welcome to read mine though. The whole story that is. The post is in sig. I hope you guys enjoy.

[Maverick E.S]

Your story is awesome(both of you guys stories) I didnt find anything wrong but I have a little part that needs critique and some funny events that I need but i cant think of any can you guys help me with that or whoever critiques my work?

Here it is:(please if you can dont forget about the funny parts or lines cause i need that for the story)

Riaz Summerz a geologist/ bio-scientist organized an expedition, hiring a top dollar Adventurer Troy “Juelz” Bolt. To find the ancient extinct race, the Virus but first they have to find the key that unlocks the temple. He had been working for Riaz for about a week and the in secret treasure hunter had already found the first stop out of two on the grand expedition. In the middle of the jungle he found it and was only a few steps away from the discovery. He cautiously moved away the branches and leaves in his way that revealed the entrance but it was blocked off by a huge rock wall. Troy began sweating with the heat and with his clothe shrouding his face, he was dressed in a dark blue vest with a tan short sleeved shirt and tan cargo pants. He looked down at the map he was carrying making sure this was the place, by his calculations he was standing right in front of the beginning of the temple.

“I wonder if this thing will budge.” Troy got on one side of the rock and started pushing, first with his hands then he switched to his back and legs. It didn’t budge on bit and Troy was a bit irrated by the fact of it. He was out of breath from the pushing as well

[giuocob]

Originally Posted by Star Light

Oh but I want my entire series. Hey your welcome to read mine though. The whole story that is. The post is in sig. I hope you guys enjoy.

GOD DAMNIT STARLIGHT, STOP ADVERTISING YOUR STORIES IN EVERY THREAD YOU SEE.

[Takushi Rena]

Originally Posted by giuocob

GOD DAMNIT STARLIGHT, STOP ADVERTISING YOUR STORIES IN EVERY THREAD YOU SEE.

Agreeing to that. Starlight, please quit with the advertisement. If you want to advertise your story, specifically whenever you post a new chapter, do it here.

And, okay, let's do a mini-thread restart, or at least let me say something: YOU MUST CRITIQUE. You can't say 'I don't see anything wrong with what you posted!' unless there's nothing wrong with it at all; for that to happen, everybody would have to be perfect. There WILL be mistakes. I'll allow that phrase sometimes, but basically, you're skipping over the person and going straight to yourself, which isn't the point of this. It's to help everybody improve and you can't be lazy with that. :\

So, let's try this again, shall we? Next person to post MUST critique on the excerpt from my post. Sorry if I seem like I'm skipping over your post, Maverick, but I want to start this over. Next person MUST give constructive criticism!

[Star Light]

But it's over and no one tells me about the story. I don't do it in every thread if you are refering to my sig. No it'll be gone when I get started on 358/2 days.

[Maverick E.S]

Ok I'll try to find something even though I seriously didnt find anything wrong, I'll just point out little things, the only thing I saw that was wrong was you started off the thing with a sentence that doesnt seem like the begining of a story it throughs me off wondering what is going on besides the girl in the alley. Also Im not saying you were calling me it but I wasnt being lazy or anything I just was being truthful. But I got my story critiqued by someone else cause I needed it in a hurry, thanks anyway but I will try to have some more things in the future

[)-(The Anomaly)-(]

Riaz Summerz a geologist/ bio-scientist organized an expedition, hiring a top dollar Adventurer Troy “Juelz” Bolt. To find the ancient extinct race, the Virus but first they have to find the key that unlocks the temple. He had been working for Riaz for about a week and the in secret treasure hunter had already found the first stop out of two on the grand expedition. In the middle of the jungle he found it and was only a few steps away from the discovery. He cautiously moved away the branches and leaves in his way that revealed the entrance but it was blocked off by a huge rock wall. Troy began sweating with the heat and with his clothe shrouding his face, he was dressed in a dark blue vest with a tan short sleeved shirt and tan cargo pants. He looked down at the map he was carrying making sure this was the place, by his calculations he was standing right in front of the beginning of the temple.

“I wonder if this thing will budge.” Troy got on one side of the rock and started pushing, first with his hands then he switched to his back and legs. It didn’t budge on bit and Troy was a bit irrated by the fact of it. He was out of breath from the pushing as well.

My biggest issue with that piece of writing was really the word choice and punctuation. I was able t correct along the way in my head, but it was a bit confusing the first time through. Though it was clear what the plots was, it didn't flow well from beginning to end.

Your writing style's not bad, but try using more commas in places that need them, specifically after or before the word but.

Also, the description, could be a bit more concise. What were some or the main distinctive features of the Jungle. What did your character thing about the Temple and Etc.

Not bad though. I did like it. It's very hard for me to dislike writing unless it's a one liner post. So i give it a 6 out of 10.

I like grading in numbers....