Poem

Antic☆Café · 06/30/08, 04:37 AM

Eh. It's not that great, but I feel like sharing it. Discuss?

Crystal clear like a waterfall, Coming down now drown us all.

Cold water washes in, Fill my lungs so we can begin.

Step into the dream land, I'll meet you there hand in hand.

Our perfect place where we escape, Getting there by decreasing heart rate.

All the things that kept me here, Is all the times that you were near.

Falling back into what is real, Unable to tell you how I feel.

Floating into the abyss, Close your eyes for one last kiss.

Keeping you close to my heart, Limbs stiffing so we can never depart.

Holding on as we suffocate,Dying with you is my favorite fate.

kazukifafner · 06/30/08, 04:55 AM

Well, first things first. There is a sub-forum for Original Creations at the top of the Literature page (your new though, so it's not a huge deal, not that it ever is, lol).

Now onto the poem itself. It's actually quite good! The fourth line felt forced because it broke the flow a bit, but other than that, this is very well done. Nice choice of words, an overall theme, excellent! I have a question though: Was this based off of Romeo & Juliet, because that is the feeling that I got from this (especially towards the end). Then again, there are a lot of stories/poems that have a similar theme, so I guess if you got it from there or not is pretty irrelevant, lol.

Antic☆Café · 06/30/08, 07:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kazukifafner

Well, first things first. There is a sub-forum for Original Creations at the top of the Literature page (your new though, so it's not a huge deal, not that it ever is, lol).

Now onto the poem itself. It's actually quite good! The fourth line felt forced because it broke the flow a bit, but other than that, this is very well done. Nice choice of words, an overall theme, excellent! I have a question though: Was this based off of Romeo & Juliet, because that is the feeling that I got from this (especially towards the end). Then again, there are a lot of stories/poems that have a similar theme, so I guess if you got it from there or not is pretty irrelevant, lol.

It is actually based on Rome & Juliet! :]

And thank you<3

Snow Candy · 07/01/08, 02:02 AM

OMG! Good poem. I like all the words. XD I think I like the part where you say: Step into the dream land, I'll meet you there hand in hand. :D Good choice of works! And so far it's good! XD

06/30/08, 04:37 AM	#1
Antic☆Café Disney Soldier Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Walking with strangers Age: 14 Posts: 13 Rep Power: 0	Poem Eh. It's not that great, but I feel like sharing it. Discuss? Crystal clear like a waterfall, Coming down now drown us all. Cold water washes in, Fill my lungs so we can begin. Step into the dream land, I'll meet you there hand in hand. Our perfect place where we escape, Getting there by decreasing heart rate. All the things that kept me here, Is all the times that you were near. Falling back into what is real, Unable to tell you how I feel. Floating into the abyss, Close your eyes for one last kiss. Keeping you close to my heart, Limbs stiffing so we can never depart. Holding on as we suffocate,Dying with you is my favorite fate.

06/30/08, 04:55 AM	#2
kazukifafner Ruler of Light Join Date: May 2007 Location: Somewhere Age: 17 Posts: 514 Rep Power: 2	Re: Poem Well, first things first. There is a sub-forum for Original Creations at the top of the Literature page (your new though, so it's not a huge deal, not that it ever is, lol). Now onto the poem itself. It's actually quite good! The fourth line felt forced because it broke the flow a bit, but other than that, this is very well done. Nice choice of words, an overall theme, excellent! I have a question though: Was this based off of Romeo & Juliet, because that is the feeling that I got from this (especially towards the end). Then again, there are a lot of stories/poems that have a similar theme, so I guess if you got it from there or not is pretty irrelevant, lol.

07/01/08, 02:02 AM	#4
Snow Candy Gone until October Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Walking into a place called reality, leaving behind the memories of it all. Posts: 2,419 Rep Power: 8	Re: Poem OMG! Good poem. I like all the words. XD I think I like the part where you say: Step into the dream land, I'll meet you there hand in hand. :D Good choice of works! And so far it's good! XD

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