Honey and Clover:Another Story

[PKKzelfar]

Yeah guys, i will now officialy run 2 fanfics, this time it HoneynClover, this one isnt actually about Takemoto's,Yamada's or any of the original charcter's story, i've been making this thing in my NB and now it's tome for me to release it, ill post later so stay tuned

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Story-
A guy named Takeshi is 19 yrs old who is studying in a not-so-ordinary-boarding- school has many problems, but with his friends, Yemiro and Tokuda, more and more things happen, also, a girl named Lumina, who is secretly in love with Takeshi, is still not ready to say how she really feels, but she does it by teasing or punching/kicking him alot.

This story about 6 main characters about falling in love, love triangles, work in school, getting jobs and growing up,and maybe lot's of randomness.

[PKKzelfar]

Ok guys, time to reveal ep. 1, now i want some suggestions on an op. song, something soothing
and if there's an awkward or funny event, just tune this(Bap-Bap-Bere-Bap-Pep-Pere-Pap(Repeat)), and maybe you'll get in the mood
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Ep.1-The Beginning of a New Day
1/3

"The Day when i grow up.., will it be nice?, being seperated from my family and more things...,meeting new friends and just hanging around, yeah...maybe that's the life i want, a peaceful one..."

*KnockKnock*, "Hey Takeshi wake up!, and wake up lazy Yemiro!"

"Yeah yeah Tokuda!, why does class always start early!?,"

"Stop asking and start waking!"

"I got it...but Yemiro is....beaten up..if i wake him, he'll curse me!"

"Stupid!, darn, i'll wake him up...Let me in!!"
as Takeshi opened the door, Tokuda came rushing in the room, "Hey!, wake up Yemiro!," as Tokuda is trying to wake up Yemiro, Takeshi started to brush his teeth, "No ma!, lemme sleep for 1 more hour!," said Yemiro as he was sleep-talking, Takeshi also got dressed up while Tokuda is still trying to wake up Yemiro, "Arghh..., darn, we can't wake him up!, if he sleeps for 1 more hour, the teacher would be angry," Tokuda stood up as he failed from waking up Yemiro, "Well...it can't be helped, let's go then Tokuda, see you too Lazy Yemiro, hope you don't get scolded by the teacher!," as Takeshi was gonna close the door, Yemiro opened his,"NO!!!!, Im not gonna get scolded this time!!," as Yemiro stood up, he was already dressed, up, he ran through the door and came rushing through the hallway, "Yemiro!, crap...there he goes again, shall we follow him, Tokuda?," said Takeshi as he asked Tokuda, "Umm..no, he's gone the wrong way, the room is that way, it'll take about 3 minutes for him to realize..so let's go!," as Tokuda said, he pointed the other path of the hallway, "same old Tokuda...," as they were close to their room, they were confronted by the girls, "Hey!, where's Yemiro!?, he stole our lunch yesterday!," as one of the girls said, as Yemiro realized when he got the wrong way, he rushed through the hallway again, with lightning-speed, he got in front of the room, "I'm HERE!....ohh...it's you girls..ehhh.BYE!!," Yemiro was being chased by the girls, "Now i'll never get in time!!!,".

"Ehhh...awkward moment?," as Takeshi asked, he opened the door to the classroom, "Probably," as Tokuda replied, as they got inside, they got their seats, after they sat, they saw Yemiro finally got away by the girls, "Uhh..what happened to you?," asked Takeshi, "Well, after i got to a dead-end, i said "Hey it's Jackie Chan!" and then..i got away," said Yemiro, "Ohh..really?," asked Takeshi, "He's joking, look at him he is all beaten up, when he got to the dead-end, he got really beat-up, that's all," Tokuda said, after Yemiro heard the real reason he threw himself to Tokuda, "WHY!?, why did you say the truth???," said Yemiro, as he was squeezing up Tokuda, "Ughh...it's because you always get in that situation, and stop throwing yourself randomly at people!," said Tokuda as he was trying to get out of the dealy squeeze.

"They sure are energetic"....

Honey and Clover


After their classes, the three got to the cafeteria, "Yummy!, i sure do want some good meat today!," said Yemiro, he was really hungry from all that chasing, "Uhh...yeah, this year, they're only serving fish and vegetables," said Tokuda, both got depressed as they aren't gonna eat meat this year, "NOOOO!!!," Yemiro screamed loud, everybody heard his loud scream, "Uhh..carry on!, sorry about that guys...," said Takeshi, he pulled the crying Yemiro, "Pickles...Sweet and sour fish, no MEAT!!!," both Takeshi and Yemiro said, "Well, it can't be helped," as Tokuda said, everybody got their meals and got to a table, "really boring now huh?," Takeshi asked as he was staring into space, "Yeah..., i feel like De Ja Vu." Tokuda said, Yemiro got nothing to say because he was still crying because there was no meat, "Meat...I love you!, Meat...I miss you!, I know that we will MEAT again!!....," chanted Yemiro, the two was staring at Yemiro, "What lame lyrics..," as both said to theirselves, after they finsihed their meals, they took a walk, as they were checking out the schools garden, Takeshi saw his crush, "Yuki...,"

Before they got back to their class, they saw Lumina, "Hey!, Yemiro!!, why did you take our lunches yesterday too?, im gonna beat you up!," before Lumina was gonna do a punch, "Hey, he just misses meat," said takeshi, Lumina calmed down as he heard Takeshi's voice, "Ehh?, come on punch!, so you could forgive me!," said Yemiro, Lumina left with a smile that she was noticed by Takeshi, "He's trying to be a savior again..,"


End Ep.1-1/3

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also some suggestions on an ending song, 2/3 later!

[PKKzelfar]

umm....any comments...pls?, CRAP!

[PKKzelfar]

Ep.2-The beginnning of a new day
2/3
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"Hey thanks Takeshi!, now i'm gonna hug you!!!," said Yemiro, he was saved from a deadly punch, he threw himself at Takeshi and squeezed him, "NO!!, not the deadly squeeze..AGHH!!!," Takeshi ran away from Yemiro
"These guys...well...time to follow them..,".

"STOP FOLLOWING ME YEMIRO!," shouted Takeshi, Takeshi turned around and got ready for a punch, "Ehh?, all you want is a kiss from the hand eh!?, come here!," as Yemiro rushed, Takeshi got ready for a deadly punch, "No wait yemiro!," said Tokuda, *BOINK!*, "Uhhh....i see the light, it's so pretty...i gotta follow it..," as Yemiro got punch he was starting to see a glimpse of heaven, "NO, Yemiro!," Tokuda started to try waking up yemiro, "Uhh...sorry about that..i was really angry so...IM SO SORRY!!," said Takeshi, "It's okay, he woke up..gte ready though," said Tokuda, as he backed away from Yemiro, "Takeshi!, i thought i was your friend?!, why would you hit me?!," said Yemiro, he started to squeeze Takeshi again, and he succeeded, "AHH!!!, NO!, Tokuda help!!!," said Takeshi as he was starting to get hurt by the squeeze, "Well..you do kinda deserve it..," said Tokuda
"TOKUDA!!!"

"Hey sir Fuuta's back by the way, wanna go visit him?," asked Tokuda, "Sir Fuuta?!, yeah!, i hope he has some chocolates and...MEAT!!," said Yemiro, he started drooling while thinking of meat, "Ehehehe...Sir Fuuta?, never heard of him before," said Takeshi, "Yeah, it's because you weren't hanging with us last year," said Tokuda, "So that's why...umm..just asking...what kind of group are we?," asked Takeshi, "The Meat-Lovers!" said Yemiro, "I don't know..." said Tokuda, after talking, they got up and visited sir Fuuta, "Hey sir Fuuta!" said Yemiro as he opened the door to Fuuta's room, "Oh, Yemiro!, and Tokuda!, nice to see you!," said Fuuta, "Sir Fuuta, we have a new friend, his name is Takeshi!," said Yemiro pointing out takeshi, "Uhh..good morning sir..," Takeshi said, after he introduced himself, Yemiro has his eyes on a girl, "Ohh..Yemiro, you're looking at my niece eh?," said Fuuta, "YOUR NIECE!???," said Yemiro, "So sir Fuuta, is she also studying here?," asked Tokuda, "Yes, anyways since i have no work, i'll give you a treat..what do you want," asked Sir fuuta, "MEAT!!," everybody said, "Fish it is!," said Fuuta
*Depression*

Honey and Clover

"ITIDAKIMASU"
everybody ate their food and got full, "Nice meal...but it would be better if it was meat huh?," said Takeshi
"Well, meat is no pricey so we the school can't afford it, and Yemiro, what about your studies, you're always failing," said Fuuta, but yemiro didn't reply as he was looking at Fuuta's niece, yemiro stood up, "You are so beautiful lady!, may i know your name!?," said Yemiro, "NO!," said Fuuta's niece, "BURN!," said Tokuda, "Uhh...i never knew you would say that Tokuda," said Takeshi, "Uhh..yeah..me too," said Tokuda, Yemiro was still paralyzed from Fuuta's niece reply, "Ok, not-so-Romeo, time to go," said Tokuda, he pulled him back to school.

"I wonder if days like this always happen to me, always happy, yeah, this is the life i surely want, but i feel something is missing, "

"Now that we're back, guys go back to your Beds and get to sleep," said Fuuta, Fuuta got back to his room, "I'm so unlucky!, why do i have to sleep with him!?," said Takeshi, "It's your funeral, hey how about we cheer him up by drinking sodas the whole night?," said Tokuda, "Sodas?, im in!," Yemiro got his power back and all of them bought many sodas, they got back to Yemiro's and Takeshi's room, "CHEERS!"

The next day.....
"Crap...we had to hear Yemiro's I love Meat song again," said Tokuda, they walked in the hallway, "Yeah..," Tokuda was also in a bad mood, "He's still asleep..well at least we dont have to hear his song again," said Takeshi, it was Saturday so they had some free time, "Hey, i'll go check out the mall, just gonna hang-out," said Tokuda, "yeah, okay..i'm gonna take a walk in the park," said takeshi, they both had seperate ways.

"Ahh..it's so nice to take a walk..," said Takeshi, he also found Lumin taking a walk in the park, "Lumina?,"
"Oh!, Takeshi!," said lumina, they both walked the park, Lumina was too shy to say that he likes Takeshi, "Hey uhh..you want to eat some noodles?," asked Takeshi, "Uhh..yeah...sure," said Lumina, they took a walk to the noodle store, after they finsihed their meals, "Hey..who's gonna pay?," asked Takeshi, "Not me..i'm the girl!," said Lumina, "Fine..." said Takeshi, "Umm...Takeshi...thanks...," said Lumina, "Well, you said you were a girl so..,"
*BOOM*
"What happened?,"

End Ep.1 2/3
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[tsukasa0000]

sorry dude sounds like a chick flick. dont really like a whole mess of love triangles it complicates stories.

[PKKzelfar]

yeah...that's how Honey and Clover goes to say the truth, you probably haven't watched/read it...but that's how the story really goes, 1st ep, story on the boys doing goofy stuff, 2nd, in the end trying to do some drama, thats how Honey and clover really goes

[Sonja~Soulheart]

wah im so loving this. just a suggest, try to add more description, this gots potential. *what? it does xD*
try to describe the characters, event, and surroundings more. and easy with pace, do that and it'll be awesome >8D

[PKKzelfar]

gonna do that..but now, im in school, i can only get on evenings so...wait for a new ep.
the explanations of charcters are on ep. 2, cuz now im just doing some funny things with em

[PKKzelfar]

hey guys let's finally finish ep.1!
and if you wanna know how the charcters look like, but now i only have a picture of Tokuda, if this is kind of a live action series, i pick Yuu Shirota
i look like him,lol

im gonna edit this later, k guys?, or gals?

[All-Star Gamer]

Honestly? Far from the best I've seen. It needs more detail, which should be broken into more paragraphs. And you need a bigger vocabulary, I see a bit of repitition going on here. Especially with the word "said." Mix it up a little, and used some synonyms.

synonyms for said

Also, you are using way to many qoutes in your paragraphs. It's difficult to follow who is saying what. when writing a conversation, start a new line every time a different character from the last starts to speak.


And a personal rule that I follow: Don't ever assume that the reader will know what you're picturing in your head. Even the best stories can fail because the writer assumes that the reader is following everything, that the reader is seeing the story as it happens in the writer's mind. Paint a picture in the reader's head with your words. Give as much imagery as possible.

[PKKzelfar]

ok, thanks, gonna do that, but dont expect me to post new ep, got school and all