Dirge of Cerberus:Final Fantasy VII:The Rise of Deep Ground

[guyfromcrowd]

this is my first fan fiction, so feel free to point out any mistakes. i'd really like to get better at writing a fan fiction, so please tell me what you think.

prolouge
This is the story of a young boy named Greg. While the WRO was helping in other places, they would forget about the smaller villages, like Taranell. In such places were several bands of Deep Ground soldiers.


That is why the small villages had to develop their own small form of protection, some villages, had technology, while others, like Tarnell, Had nothing, so they were forced to develop their own elite fighting force. Since the small village had scarce rescources, children were trained, as well as young adults.

To be in the elite force, was Gregs dream but his mother refused to lose him, like they had his father. their father haed been one of the many slaughtered when the Deep Ground came through their village.Greg insisted that he could handle it, and that his father would still be here if he had known there were Deep Ground soldiers.

[Gildragon]

I'm not familiar with DoC but, I would rework the wording that you use.

EXAMPLE:

while the WRO was helping in other places, they were forgetting about the small places, like the small village of Taranell. in these places there were several Deep Ground soldiers in the area.

change to:

While the WRO was helping in other places, they would forget about the smaller villages, like Taranell. In such places were several bands of Deep Ground soldiers.



Thats just one example. overall though I would rework it. and maybe make it a coupel paragrpahs longer

[guyfromcrowd]

your probably right, but i dont know what else to put.

[Gildragon]

spend more time on it. add more description. this doesn't seem like a real prologe. it should (I believe.) have a little more of a transition into the story

[pokepotterkhkids]

Yeah, I would say word them differently and add more.

By this I mean you should add more details and less at the same time. Make sure to make your point at the earliest possible, while still making it understandable. I say this from experience. Just because you can understand it, it doesn't mean everyone else can. I am not saying that in a bad way either. Anyone else who reads doesn't know the same stuff as you, because you're the author. So, you may know whats going on, but they dont, because they're not writing the story. PM me. i'll be glad to help you out with this.

[Rhapsody Flows]

Well, there's grammar and punctuation issues throughout the story, like capitalization when starting new sentences, and using apostrophes in some areas.

EX:

Originally Posted by guyfromcrowd

To be in the elite force, was Gregs dream,

This should be: "To be in the elite force was Greg's dream"

[Gildragon]

also three is the beta reader thread that is stickied.

[guyfromcrowd]

alright thanks ppk. i'll be sure to PM you.

[pokepotterkhkids]

KK good (25 character rule)

[Nelo Angelo]

Hm ye you should've worked on it a little more my friend before posting up a prologue.
Needs quite a bit of work but dont give up on it. I'd love to read a DoC Fan Fic. ^.~

[guyfromcrowd]

i knew you would nelo, lol.