The Organization-an XIV story

[Musical Muffin]

EDIT:
I've decided to cancel this story.
I don't like where I'm going with it.
I don't like the way I wrote it.

So yeah. Ignore it.

I'm going to re-write it.
Better and in the style I'm more familiar in.

(not like anyone read it, anyway.)
(thank goodness. It's horrible)

So yeah.

Bye.

[kazukifafner]

First, you don't have to make 2 threads, PM one of the Mods to close one.

Hmm, the story has potential, but I can't tell much from this first chapter. The only plot element I see is a romance between Axel and Raxin, which needs to be drawn out more, otherwise it will feel like just another teen romance. Try and work other elements as well, cause this felt like a back and forth between romance and fighting.

Your explanation of Nobodies' emotions gets the job done (though, it sounds like you just removed it to make your story work. Try and make it more natural. For example, in my story, each Nobody has "Bonds", people that make them feel like they have hearts when they are together.

Also, run it through Word when you finish, I saw a few spelling errors.

A decent start, now you need to expand the story.

[Musical Muffin]

Originally Posted by kazukifafner

First, you don't have to make 2 threads, PM one of the Mods to close one.

Hmm, the story has potential, but I can't tell much from this first chapter. The only plot element I see is a romance between Axel and Raxin, which needs to be drawn out more, otherwise it will feel like just another teen romance. Try and work other elements as well, cause this felt like a back and forth between romance and fighting.

Your explanation of Nobodies' emotions gets the job done (though, it sounds like you just removed it to make your story work. Try and make it more natural. For example, in my story, each Nobody has "Bonds", people that make them feel like they have hearts when they are together.

Also, run it through Word when you finish, I saw a few spelling errors.

A decent start, now you need to expand the story.

Thanks. I'll def try.
As for the spelling I have to do it as best I can because I actually don't have word.
My computer is 10 years old and has like... no MB's left-I'm getting a laptop this summer though so.
And it's supposed to be kinda romance... but as a first chapter it was kind of an intro on who she is and that stuff.
I guess what I believe kind of tore the story apart. But thanks.

[Musical Muffin]

If I double post myself, that's okay-right?
Anywho. Chapter two. I have a little description at the bottom.
It kind of explains my bad writing right now.
******
P2.

My head was face down in my pillow. I was tranquil. No noise, still dark out so I didn't have to worry about the sun shining in my face (eternal night isn't all that bad, y'know?) Sound proof walls. It was pretty nice.
I checked my clock, 4 AM. I had time.
My head sunk back into my pillow and I drifted back to sleep.
'Rina, Rina! Are you coming?'
'Huh? Oh yeah. Let's go.'
'I must say, hun. You're an amazing vocalist. You'll be the next big thing throughout all of Hollow Bastion.'
'Mmhmm. Thanks, Branden. I'm draggin' you with me though.'
'No problem.'
The girl walked with her friend down the narrow streets of Hollow Bastion. She was smiling, widely. She looked happy.
'Hey Rina... did you hear that?'
'No...'
'There was like... a noise in the bushes.'
'A noise?'
The couple stopped walking and concentrated on the bush in front of them. A pair of yellow eyes flashed in the middle of the bush. Soon it exposed it's whole body.
A black figure, with antennas.
'What the heck is that?!'
'Branden-I think it might be... a heartless?'
'What's a-graaahh!!!'
The young boy was attacked by the small figure with the glowing yellow eyes.
The girl watched in horror as her friend was having the life taken out of him.
'Branden!!' She shrieked. 'Branden-Get away from him! STOP!'
The creature stopped and stared blankley at the girl. It dropped the lifeless boy and began to walk towards her.
'No! STOP!' She backed away. 'No! LEAVE ME ALONE!' Tears slid down her cheeks. 'I have a future... this isn't FAIR!'
The creature sped up and tackled her to the ground. The girl struggled, tried her best to get out of it's grip, but it didn't work.
She fell unconcious.
"Raxin! Raxin! Wake up! Get up!!"
The voice calling out to me was way too familiar.
"DON'T LET IT GET ME! STOP, I CAN'T GO YET! BRANDEN!"
My atmosphere felt as if it were on fire now. I screamed as I fell off the bed.
"...Branden?"
I stared at the tall figure standing in front of me. The red haired man scratched the back of his head, his eye balls seemed to be popping out of his skull.
"Oh..." I cleared my throat. "...I fell off my bed."
"My bad, I heated it up to get you to stop screaming." He helped me up and sat on my bed. He motioned for me to sit next to him, so I did. "Let me guess... you all of a sudden remembered your past life. Yet you were watching it more than playing it."
"Yeah..."
"I remember when that happened to me. But I'm a light sleeper-so my own screaming woke me up."
"It was... horrible." I whispered. "She wasn't able to do anything. She just stood and watched."
I felt my face burn with fear and anger. The tears sliding down my face seemed ice cold to my skin.
Axel looked at me, his beautiful aqua eyes seemed more watery than mine. He pulled me closer and hugged me. "It's hard, I know... But that's why I'm here. Well, the real reason I came here was to... shut off your alarm."
"I slept through that?"
"Yeah, we have a meeting in like, 10 minutes. Get ready." He smiled.
I smiled back and put my uniform on. I stared at myself in the mirror.
Blue eyes, light brown hair, with black streaks that could change color according to my mood.
I looked nice without even trying.
Concieted, sorry.
I sat in my chair waiting for the superior to arrive.
Nobody knew what was taking so long.
"What's the point of this meeting if he's not going to show up...?" I asked.
Number 7 growled at me. "It's obviously important if he's taking so long."
"You're such a pet." I said under my breath.
Xemnas finally appeared on his chair and took a long stare at each and every one of us.
"What's the news?" Xigbar asked.
"We have a new member joining us. Try to be as pleasant to him as possible. He's only a child."
"Aww, so Zexion's not gonna be the baby anymore?"
"Refrain, Xigbar... I'm not in the mood to joke around."
"...He's 15 years old. His name is Roxas...." Saix said.
"Roxas..." Zexion said. His facial expression was hard to make out. "Remove the X, Roas... Sora... Sora? Sora's nobody?"
"Yes..."
This caused commotion. Everyone spoke amoungst themselves.
"And how is this going to help us?" Xaldin asked above everyone's voice.
"If you think about it, it could come quite nicely to our plan." Luxord said. "I mean, he does hold half of Sora's power. He would be really helpful.."
I rolled my eyes. "Using Sora's nobody against Sora..." I thought. A 15 year old boy, in the Organization. This shouldn't be happening.
"Go introduce yourself."
"Yay! A new member!" Axel yelled. He was the first to go.
Now this was an interesting situation. I earned the title 'The Voice of Rebellion, XIV' I wasn't XIII. It struck me as strange. I mean, I knew there was a XIIIth member, but why haven't we met him yet. It was weird.
"Superior... this puzzles me. Why did I earn XIV instead of... XIII then?"
"Roxas has been a member since I found him. We've just had... problems with him and Sora. You have to understand... that NO ONE, nobody in this room can speak of the keyblade master. If anything... refer to him as it. You hear me?"
Everyone(Besides Axel, damn his excitement) nodded. I got it through my skull the first time it was spoken,
I thought it would be fun to meet up with this Roxas kid.
A couple of hours later, I waited in the hallway for him. I hummed a tune, and glanced at his door.
When I finally saw a figure walk out, I approached it.
"Roxas?"
"Zexion."
"Oh, hey, buddy. Where's this Roxas kid that I've been dying to meet."
"He's in there. He needs training. You can help."
I grinned and hopped up and down. "Good-I feel as if I haven't fought in forever."
"Have fun..."
I entered the room with a smile and a positive atittude. "Roxas, right?"
The small boy stared at me. "You must be Raxin."
"Yeah. Great to meet you." Was I being too nice? "So, I'm guessing you already met up with Axel."
"...Yeah."
"You don't look so hot. I know it's hard... joining the Organization. But it's a lot of fun. Trust me."
Roxas smiled. "No, I'm fine." He said. "...I'm just, a little nervous. I'm 15."
"Well... Zexion and I are the same age." I noted. "I'm a couple of months older though." I smiled. "We get respected highly here. Nothing to be nervous about... how strong are you?"
Roxas stared at me, with my sudden change of personality. "...the superior said I'm a strong member."
"So... you wouldn't mind fighting me, now. Would you?"
Roxas shook his head. "Oh, no-I can't. You're probably so much stronger... I can't risk getting hurt!" He said. He was obviously really nervous. Some keyblade master.
I shook my head. "Roxas... our Keyblade master-...I'm much more weaker. I passed out in my last battle. Please?" I asked. "I need the training too, y'know." Was added on to my comment.
Roxas stared at the ground and nodded. "Alright."
'Poor kid... he must be really upset about this. Not knowing his original self... he's so young. Maybe I can help him...' I thought. "You don't have to do this..." She said. "I mean... y-"
"No! I'll do it. You can't convince me out of it now..." He said. "You did convince me into it."
Raxin nodded and summoned her microphone. I'll go easy on you if you go easy on me.
She swung her microphone around and waited for the first attack. Roxas summoned his keyblade. He swung his blade at her stomach and she flew back with the attack. She recovered quickly and got back onto her feet. 'That was a strong attack.' She thought. 'Strong kid.' She stretched out her microphone wire and wrapped it around his waste. She flung him across the hall, but not hard enough to cause any serious damage. He came back at her and sliced her across the leg. She moaned in agony. "Yeeouch!" She jumped up into the air and hit him in the side. She let out a blood curdling scream that could deafen any normal person. Roxas fell to his knees and held onto his ears as if they would fall off. "I control sound, by the way." She said.
Roxas nodded. "Alright." He let go of his ears. "You could've warned me about that..."
I smiled, showing him that it wasn't on purpose. "Well, I think that's enough." I said, admitting that the battle had tired me. "You're strong."
Roxas smiled. "Thanks."
I opened a portal and waved to him. "See you around."
***
Later on in the day, we were supposed to go on another mission. The heartless were so annoying. Xemnas had told us that our first important mission was to happen. Axel, Marluxia and I were sent to Hollow Bastion to kind of, stalk around the area and see if there was any suspicious activity going on. I couldn't stand the thought of it. Marluxia was pissed the whole time. He didn't like working with people. At all. And when it comes to Axel, he just gets really pissed.
The only humor in our situation.
"So... are we looking for anything specific?" I had asked.
Marluxia switched his eyes to me and he sighed. "Well... there's this guy, here. Trying to continue the work of this... cougar. I don't know. And I don't really care. What's in it for me?"
"Hearts, stupid." Axel said. "Anywho. His name is Pete. And he's trying to finish the work of Maleificent. But it's completely useless... since this guy is dummer than a blank piece of paper. Seriously."
I laughed. Anything he said could be turned into humor. "Alright. What does he look like?"
"He's... got some weight issues. And he's a cat." Marluxia said, filing his nails.
"What?"
"Pink haired boy speaks nothing but the truth." replied Axel. "He had the heartless logo on his outfit the last time I saw him, too."
I nodded and walked along side my comrades. I kept my guard for any signs of enemies. I was walking, by pure force. Like I was in a transe, and couldn't stop. Axel put his hand out in front of me, forcing me to slow down. "Wha?" I asked.
"Well, well, well. Look who it is, your cowardly leader couldn't stop me himself, could he? Heh, heh. In order to go any further, you'll have togo through ME first."
"Raxin-chan... meet Pete." The sarcastic redhead, whispered to me.
I looked forward and saw the exact description Marluxia and Axel had given me.
A cat.
*************************************************

Woooooo.
Okay. This chapter, kinda stupid.
I just wanted to explain why I had Roxas put in AFTER Raxin.
The reason's good enough for me.
And I'm kinda brainless right now. It's 12:30 AM and I'm tired.
But it get's better, promise. This is just Raxin's introduction.
And btw, Marluxia has this obsession with cougars in my book. So he may mention them a lot. >.<

~Elena