A Possible Method to Check and Shorten Paragraph Content

[bizness86]

Rena's earlier topic spurred me to postign a possible method, or at least something to try:

For this, I'm using the first paragraph in Chapter 2 of my fan fic, Shines One Year After (in the sig). The first method is dubbed sentencing by me. I take each sentence from a paragraph and analyze away...

SENTENCING

The sky sundered, producing a coiling torrent of black matter which settled nigh twenty feet above the earth.

Core:

The sky was torn by a dark corridor high above the ground.

Context:

The sky sundered as in the sky tore something? This should be: The sky was torn; the sky did not tear anything.
Producing a coiling torrent of matter as in making a dark corridor? This should be: by a dark corridor as in the corridor did the action.
Which settled nigh twenty feet above the earth as in it settled high above earth. Twenty feet is a limiter; this allows a dispute as to whether twenty is “high”.

Fix:

A coiling torrent of black sundered the sky high above the earth.
Boundless degrees above ground, a coiling torrent of black sundered the recurrent night sky.

The swirling dark bowel spewed a crimson-haired man from its maw.

Core:

The corridor discharged a (crimson-haired) man.

Context:

The swirling dark bowel as in the dark corridor. This refers to the corridor as a bowel. *Note: This should be mentioned later in Paragraphing, but dark is used in the context, but is ultimately not needed since the similar term, black was used last sentence to describe the corridor*
Spewed a crimson-haired man from its maw as in discharged a crimson-haired man from its mouth. This uses personification; the corridor is ‘spewing’ with its ‘mouth’.

Fix:

The swirling bowel spewed forth a crimson-haired figure (man).
The swirling bowel spewed forth a human shape.

Head first, he spiraled from the tarred maw, and his body thoroughly bludgeoned the hard tile concrete.

Core:

Head first, the limp man spiraled, and impacted the ground mightily.

Context:

Head first, he spiraled from the tarred maw as in the man spiraled from the corridor. Since we learned that the man was ejected from the corridor in the last sentence, we don't need to restate it in this sentence.
and his body thoroughly bludgeoned the hard tile concrete as in his body impacted mightily. It says what we need, albeit, is it too wordy...?

Fix:

Headlong, the limp figure spiraled through the ambiance until thoroughly bludgeoning to hard tiled ground. The impact left a solemn crater.
The jetsam body spiraled as it sought the concrete; the corridor’s debris impacted the earth with a solemn thud and an impressive imprint.

Shorten Sentences:

The extra step to shorten sentences can always be added.

Headlong, the limp figure spiraled to the pitiless concrete. Its bludgeon left an impressive crater on the hard tile.
Headlong, the limp figure spiraled to the concrete, and impacted, handing an ample dent to the pitiless ground.
The jetsam body spiraled as it sought concrete, impacting with a solemn thud, and dealing a fine dent onto the earth.
The spiraling, jetsam body sought concrete. It impacted with a solemn thud, and dealt a fine dent onto the earth.

*Note: You see that more detail will ultimately lead to more content, and it seems that I’ve reached content-detail equilibrium; do I really want to sacrifice dealt in order to have less content? Perhaps this will be settled later in Paragraphing.*

He lay motionless for passing seconds.

Core:

He lay motionless for a moment.

Context:

He lay motionless for passing seconds as self-explanatory. Perhaps ‘passing second’ is a limiter; but it is passable by my standards in that sense. The problem lies with the way the sentence sounds when reading aloud. *Note: To note, one method which Sentencing has used thus far is disjoining one sentence into two or more concepts and then rewriting the concepts in one, multiple, or conjoint sentences. Paragraphing will do that in a broader perspective, so this sentence and its concepts (or lack there of) may actually conjoin or may disappear entirely. For now, this must remain a separate concept for the sake of the Sentencing process.*

Fix:

He lay motionless.
He lay still as moments passed.

This next concept solidifies what the above sentences are suppose to do and makes sure that the paragraph form does as such.

PARAGRAPHING

Core Assemblage:

The sky was torn by a dark corridor high above the ground. The corridor discharged a (crimson-haired man) figure. Head first, the limp man spiraled, and impacted the ground mightily. He lay motionless for a moment.

Paragraph Core:

A limp figure descended from the dark corridors, and impacted the ground mightily. He lay motionless afterwards for a few moments.
*Note: The Paragraph Core defined your core sentences into a few condensed concepts. This is the focal point of your paragraph and should be held in reverence. You do not what to stray from this by using to much descriptive context.*

Questions:

Have I introduced everything I wanted to?
Should I have introduced this earlier?
Can I introduce this later?
These are core questions to implement with considering your paragraph’s focal points. Apply other questions if you’d like. In this instance, I’ll consider the corridor-borne figure.

Have I introduced everything I wanted to?
I intended this to be the introduction of the character, Hyuda Kyeadu. Initially, he falls from the Corridor of Darkness and is subsequently assailed by Heartless. You didn’t know that yet, but I was getting to it within the next few paragraphs. So far, so good; next question…

Should I have introduced this earlier?
This is actually the first paragraph in the chapter; there are not any paragraphs in this chapter before it, so no.

Can I introduce this later?
Actually, this may be minor, but initially, I had introduced him as the “crimson-haired man” in this paragraph, but I may want to hold off on revealing any characteristics of the actual character until next chapter; or maybe somewhere later in this paragraph, so we’ll play with that a bit.

Fix Assemblage:

A coiling torrent of black sundered the sky high above the earth.
Boundless degrees above ground, a coiling torrent of black sundered the recurrent night sky.

The swirling bowel spewed forth a crimson-haired figure (man).
The swirling bowel spewed forth a human shape.

Headlong, the limp figure spiraled to the pitiless concrete. Its bludgeon left an impressive crater on the hard tile.
Headlong, the limp figure spiraled to the concrete, and impacted, handing an ample dent to the pitiless ground.
The jetsam body spiraled as it sought concrete, impacting with a solemn thud, and dealing a fine dent onto the earth.
The spiraling, jetsam body sought concrete. It impacted with a solemn thud, and dealt a fine dent onto the earth.

He lay motionless.
He lay still as moments passed.

We use a few fixed sentences to make a paragraph (or two if you’d like). Afterwards, we find separate sentences with the same concept, or have good coherence (flow from one concept to the next). We’ll decide whether or not to combine sentences, or make a sentence disappear.

A coiling torrent of black sundered the sky high above the earth. The swirling bowel spewed forth a crimson-haired figure. Headlong, the limp figure spiraled to the concrete, and impacted, handing an ample dent to the pitiless ground. He lay motionless.

Boundless degrees above ground, a coiling torrent of black sundered the recurrent night sky. The swirling bowel spewed forth a human shape. The spiraling, jetsam body sought concrete. It impacted with a solemn thud, and dealt a fine dent onto the earth. He lay still as moments passed.

Paragraph Fix:

Finally, we will fix the paragraph by implementing possible solutions to our earlier questions.

A coiling torrent of black sundered the sky high above the earth, and spewed forth jetsam in the form of a man. Headlong and gravity-bound, the limp figure spiraled to the concrete, handing an ample dent to the pitiless ground upon impact where he lay motionless.

Boundless degrees above ground, a coiling torrent of black sundered the recurrent night sky. The swirling bowel spewed forth a spiraling, human shape jetsam whose body sought concrete. The body of the spewed figure impacted the earth with a solemn thud, and lay still in its crater as moments passed.

The result of a process; this process could either be short and fun, or rather lengthy if you allow it to be. In comparing paragraphs in a story, you should assemble your Paragraph Cores sequentially and see if they have the coherence that you’d like. If the points do not flow from A to B to C and so on, then a few solutions may include: switching paragraph order, the addition or subtraction of paragraphs, or the conjoining of two or more paragraphs.

I'll add before closing, consider a group of dialouge paragraphs as one paragraph when doing this. I'm not going to give another example just yet (or period perhaps, as this alone was tiring to stumble upon). I'm thinking about rewriting my entire fic using this method.

Thanks for reading,
Bizness86

[Xuan]

You're serious?? Rewriting everything?

*stares motionlessly at the long story*

Omg...

((However, it's really good... coiling torrent... I love that!))

[Gildragon]

Well this method is better used to shorten something you think is too long.

good job bizness86!