The Keyblade Academy: Awakenings.

[TWDIS]

okay this is one of my many trys at fanfiction on this site but this will be my first serious one.

The Keyblade Academy: Awakenings.
Chapter One: The Struggle And The Abduction.

Nerin was your average boy. he lived in a town by the name of Twilight Town. he was 16 years old and had medium length brown hair(it looks like Zexions hair only its brown) He had deep brown eyes to match his brown hair. That day he was wearing a sleeveless black shirt and tan pants. Nerin stood on one end of the Sandlot while a boy named Kretch stood facing him on the otherside. Kretch Bevolete had short blond hair and green eyes. He was wearing a white sleeveless shirt with a red stripe across it and red words on the back that read: RESPECT..those who are BIGGER than you.
The voices of the cheering crowd roared louder with every second. Kretch flexed his jaw then said."your dead meat",your gonna be eaten that sand in a mintue Kretch grinned waving his struggle weapon to taunt Nerin.
"alright the struggle proctor cried.are we ready to begin the match"?
"I was born ready Nerin said with a grin.
"Cocky words for a runt Kretch replied.

"Okay then the proctor said."BEGIN!".





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Kretch lunged forward with a cry and swung his struggle weapon at Nerin. Nerin was prepared though and jumped out of the way to the left. Kretch clenched his teeth as Nerin jumped out of the way."Wow I kinda thought you would be faster Nerin taunted as he circled Kretch.
"Shut up!" Kretch yelled running after Nerin. hehe, Kretch was falling into Nerin's trap. Nerin jogged to the otherside of the struggle arena with Kretch hot on his tail. He spun to see Kretch running towards him swinging his Struggle bat wildly.Now! thought Nerin.
Nerin leaped forward planting his foot on Kretchs chest. He then pushed off flipping over Kretch and landing on the otherside. the crowd roared in amazement. Nerin didn't plan on wasting any time. He quickly turned and swung his bat with all his strength. The bat connected with Kretchs back sending him sprawling on the ground. Kretch went to left himself up but before he could Nerin delievered a light but firm strike on the head.Kretch's eyes rolled back into his head and he fell forward unmoving. the crowd exploded in applause at Nerin's victory. the proctor rushed forward grabbing Nerins wrist and yanking it high into the air."the winner is!,Nerin!!!
Nerin smiled. he had finally beat Kretch. after all these years of being pushed around...but no more! now he was at the top of the struggle bracket. and this would surely improve his repuation and popularity around town. he had won...he had finally won.



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A man walked through Twilight Town. three men followed behind him silently. their uniforms resembled Organization XIII's only they were white as snow and had silver crosses on the backs. they were here for one reason, and one reason alone. to get the boy...Nerin by name.
he didn't know it yet but he was destined for great things. he would be one of those would heal the broken worlds and help set the universe back in balance. but the Oracle had said he would ether save the worlds...or destroy them. everything was connected. the worlds. people. Nerin's choses would not only affect him..but those he knew and was close to..aswell as those who he had never met. when they took him..he would be scared...confused...and maybe angry. how they knew?
they had done this job before.


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Nerin walked through Twilight Town overwhelmingly happy with his victory. but suddenly three men appeared before him."who- Nerin began. But before he could finish they rushed forward and one of them struck him on the head. as he slumped to the ground words hung in the air before darkness claimed him.

you will be the one...to bring balance.....or destory it..


sry if its too short but I hope you liked it ^^

[Jet]

Short, but good. It has...potential. But yeah, add a bit, and im sure it'll be good! Ill read more of this with more chapters to come.

[TWDIS]

thanks mikey ^^ thats nice of you

[TWDIS]

BUMP..........ughhhhhhhhh

[-Arcana-X-]

Hey TWDIS! So, your first chapter seems fine, but there's alot you can do to improve. Don't worry, I'll specifically point it out for you.

First, the chapter title is The Struggle and the Abduction? I don't understand the abduction part. Unless you meant Nerin finally snatched his fame...

Nerin was your average boy. he lived in a town by the name of Twilight Town. he was 16 years old and had medium length brown hair(it looks like Zexions hair only its brown) He had deep brown eyes to match his brown hair. That day he was wearing a sleeveless black shirt and tan pants. Nerin stood on one end of the Sandlot while a boy named Kretch stood facing him on the otherside. Kretch Bevolete had short blond hair and green eyes. He was wearing a white sleeveless shirt with a red stripe across it and red words on the back that read: RESPECT..those who are BIGGER than you.

Your introduction of Nerin is straightforward and not vivid. You're just point by point. Instead, try to show Nerin's bio and personality through his action. Like describe hie behavior while walking onto the platform: how his face looked? Determined to win? Why?
Also, don't point out inferences like "It looks like Zexion's hair only its brown". Remember that you need to SHOW, not TELL the setting, and you're mixng worlds together. The reader knows Zexion, but does the character?

Here's another one:

their uniforms resembled Organization XIII's only they were white as snow and had silver crosses on the backs

Unless you made Twilight Town know about Orgy 13, does the town know how they look like?

This advice doesn't apply only to this part but the whole story. Also, there are many spelling mistakes that should be checked.

Now, let's get to the positives!
- I liked how you described the battle scene. Very exciting and I could visualize it!
- Development of Characters is evident.
- The names are cool! Nerin...Kretch!

A chapter doesn't have to be long. It just have to be complete!

Great job! I'll be waiting for the next chapter!

[TWDIS]

thanks Arcana ^^. and the abduction refers to Nerin being kidnapped.

[PKKzelfar]

hmm...this fanfic is interesting, ill be expecting alot from this...