KHI makes a KH game! Sub-Discussion: Story Scripts and Outlines(Read First Post)

[DarkRiku-12]

Well ladies and gentlemen, Alberosa is finally DONE! :D

[inverse K-blade7]

Three scenes for Kingdom of the Sun. I'm starting from Roarshark's fifth scene, because the forest scenes needed to be changed so the Player would be lost, as well as the characters.

[BondofWater]

Ciel: That wasn’t us, Kuzco. Yzma did this to you

Brand: She wants to get rid of you so she can be empress

I love the script, but I'd change this part. Brand and Ciel found out that Yzma's primary motivation wasn't to become empress but to plunge the world into darkness. Other than that, great!

[BondofWater]

Next three scenes. Almost done. Comments and criticisms are once again appreciated.

EDIT: CRAP DOUBLE POST I APOLOGIZE.

[DarkRiku-12]

@ BondofWater- I like how once the Hatter and Hare change, their personalities slightly change too. They go from speaking a bunch of nonsense to being slightly more 'sane', similar to the Berton versions.

Great job man! :D

[inverse K-blade7]

I love the script, but I'd change this part. Brand and Ciel found out that Yzma's primary motivation wasn't to become empress but to plunge the world into darkness. Other than that, great!

Fixed, and thank you for the comments. I really like the Wunderland script so far too.

[king_mickey rule]

@BondofWater; Great job! The dialogue is spot on! (I reaally like what you did with the Mad Hatter and the March Hare). The only thing I'm gonna say is that we're not using emblem Heartless in our game so they won't have a Heartless insignia, it's just to avoid that people will make a connection between our game and the original series as they're not connected at all. Great job man!

@Inverse; Loving it! Kuzco's dialogue is pretty hilarious and every character is in character, good job! One thing you might wanna change, although I'm not really sure if I'm right, I think the place where Kuzco gets lost is a jungle instead of a forest. Could be wrong though.

Anyways, I'm really looking forward to the future scenes!

[BondofWater]

Fixed the Heartless insignia. Also expect the rest of Wonderland by the end of the day. I had already finished it, but my computer crashed and I, being the smartest person ever, didn't save.

Nevermind it did save. The finale of Wonderland:

Once I get enough comments for this, I'll post together the entire script in one post to make it easier on Arkrend to put in the OP.

[king_mickey rule]

Fixed the Heartless insignia. Also expect the rest of Wonderland by the end of the day. I had already finished it, but my computer crashed and I, being the smartest person ever, didn't save.

Nevermind it did save. The finale of Wonderland:

Once I get enough comments for this, I'll post together the entire script in one post to make it easier on Arkrend to put in the OP.

Mad Hatter: You can’t leave. The Jabberwock will appear at the Red Queen’s court and will plunge the world into darkness. Only Alice can stop it and she has to go to the court!

and

Alice: My…my memories! I remember now! I’m the one who has to defeat the Jabberwock!

kind of contradict eachother.

The Mad Hatter should say that Alice should go to the Red Queen's Court but not say that she's the one who can stop it. Or he could say that the Jabberwock needs to be stopped and that the four should go to the Red Queen's Court immediately.

What you wrote, Alice would already know she has to stop the Jabberwock. I think this shouldn't be known until the end, when she remembers what she has to do.

Also something that I think needs to be revised is this:

Raine: Linnea, I’m sorry. I was wrong. About everything. About Alice, about how capable you are, about-

Linnea: Raine, it’s fine.

Although Linnea should get more confident and Raine should know he was wrong before, Linnea shouldn't be that confident. Neither should Raine say things like that imo, the way you wrote it, it's kind of too revealing for him imo.

Linnea would be like this: You would do the same for me when I'm in danger. I-It's the least thing I could do right?

Raine would be like this: Linnea.. *serious, thoughtful face* Thanks!

[BondofWater]

Alright fixed it. What I'm gonna do is put the entire script in one post to make it easier to put into the OP. (still separating it by cutscenes), of course.

[BondofWater]

delete

twentyfivetwentyfivetwentyfive

[king_mickey rule]

Alright fixed it. What I'm gonna do is put the entire script in one post to make it easier to put into the OP. (still separating it by cutscenes), of course.

Read the whole thing once more and a couple of things that could make it better:

First off, to me, you use the word 'cat' way too much in the first 2 scenes. You used it I think times in a short amount of time so I suggest using more things like 'he said' and 'I don't think we can trust him' instead of using the word cat so the dialogue has variety.

Secondly, this line in scene 8:

Linnea: Just trust me

Linnea's too confident. I think it's more fitting if she would say 'But I...' where the full sentence would have been 'But I think he can help us.'.

Then, last but not least, Mushu mentions his bad history with beheading people. I'd prefer it if that line would be in the scene where they first enter the Red Queen's court. Where he would be like 'I sure don't like the sound of that'. An example:

Red Queen: Ahhh!!!!

Mushu: What?

Red Queen: That dragon, I’ve seen him before. Guards, OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!!

Mushu: Oh man, I sure don't like the sound of that!

Mushu runs back to Linnea and Raine. Linnea and Raine protect Mushu as the Car Soldiers surround Linnea and Raine.

Raine: Great job "dragon". Linnea just try to avoid getting hit and let me take care of this.

Linnea sighs but still remains in a battle stance.

I changed the Red Queen's dialogue a bit so it's really clear she's after Mushu when she orders the soldiers to attack. Raine and Linnea would just protect him, resulting in the battle against the Card Soldiers.

I also removed the 'now go hide' line in Raine's dialogue since they're suposed to be surrounded so he doesn't really have a place to hide. Now, what could be cool here is that you have to protect Mushu during this fight (like protecting Cinderalla in BBS).

[Arkrend]

I'll give you time to edit Wonderland if you want Bond.

I made a few adjustments to the OP. Linnea's homeworld is now in there, and I've changed the tags "Brand & Ciel Worlds", and "Raine & Linnea Worlds" to Kingdom of the Sun, and Wonderland.

It's easier to make edits if I spread the scripts across the OP. Plus this way, everything is in chronological order. I'll make a few more adjustments to the OP later on.

I'm glad to see Kingdom of the Sun is being written again. It's been a while since a scene has been posted for that.

EDIT: Also, Inverse, weren't you going to edit Beast's Domain a little bit. I mentioned that Brand being teamed up with Gaston didn't last as long as I hoped, and you said you'd make so they worked together for a little longer before Brand starts working with Beast.

EDIT: I finally figured out what was bothering me about the Beast's Domain script. The idea was for the level to be about Brand working with Gaston before realizing Beast is good, but that plot doesn't last long.

Brand spends more of the world working with Beast than Gaston. That's what felt missing! The idea that Brand and Gaston would explore Beast's castle together, and after a series of events Brand betrays Gaston and the other half of the level is with Beast.

I get it now. I was hoping for Gaston to be like Brand's partner, but he's only actually with Brand for like three scenes.

Well, I could pretty easily change it so that Gaston is with Brand up until they meet Cogsworth, and could shorten the Beast portion of the level to how it was in my original plot pyramid.

[BondofWater]

Alright, made the edits that KMR mentioned so Arkrend, feel free to add it in to the OP. Also I added player goals, just cause.

[inverse K-blade7]

I'll give you time to edit Wonderland if you want Bond.

I made a few adjustments to the OP. Linnea's homeworld is now in there, and I've changed the tags "Brand & Ciel Worlds", and "Raine & Linnea Worlds" to Kingdom of the Sun, and Wonderland.

It's easier to make edits if I spread the scripts across the OP. Plus this way, everything is in chronological order. I'll make a few more adjustments to the OP later on.

I'm glad to see Kingdom of the Sun is being written again. It's been a while since a scene has been posted for that.

EDIT: Also, Inverse, weren't you going to edit Beast's Domain a little bit. I mentioned that Brand being teamed up with Gaston didn't last as long as I hoped, and you said you'd make so they worked together for a little longer before Brand starts working with Beast.

Right, sorry about that. Its changed now, though. Look on page 9. Expect some more Kingdom of the Sun tomorrow