The Exiled

[Dawning Twilight]

i hope no one minds if i don't post up Salix's recruitment story for a while. ^^:;; i have yet to get the proper time in to edit it.

[rpgangel]

Originally Posted by Dawning Twilight

i hope no one minds if i don't post up Salix's recruitment story for a while. ^^:;; i have yet to get the proper time in to edit it.

they say good things come to those who wait. well, they're idiots.

anyways it makes me wonder just what it is that's making you take so long. it's like there's some wonder typing happening.

[The Lionheart]

Originally Posted by Dawning Twilight

i hope no one minds if i don't post up Salix's recruitment story for a while. ^^:;; i have yet to get the proper time in to edit it.

take your time. I'm sure we'd all rather have a good recruitment than a shabby recruitment that was rushed.

and are we all good for a convo on sunday? say times that would be good for you. I'm open... well idk, i'm gonna be traveling, so later in the day, maybe like 2 pm or later

[Knightflare]

Originally Posted by Axel Owns

and are we all good for a convo on sunday? say times that would be good for you. I'm open... well idk, i'm gonna be traveling, so later in the day, maybe like 2 pm or later

I'm down for one. As long as there IS one. >:[
I'll be on all day, I'm sure.
I usually have to skip Church now because I go to Skatezone every Saturday night till 11AM and I get real tired because I work my legs off and all that.
So, I'm sure I'll be home all day. :[

[rpgangel]

happy turkey giving-thanks day!

cya at the conference. :]

[The Lionheart]

so convo tomorrow? How does 9:00 PM eastern (2:00 AM GMT) sound for everyone? I don't know all of the timezones.

You all can have a convo earlier, I just won't be able to attend. I think I'll be home at around 1:00 (Central), and I have to go to hanging of the greens (for my church) at like 4:00.

[pokepotterkhkids]

WAAAHHHTTTTT? I MISSED THE CONFERENCE!? DAMN MYSELF!!!!!!!!!! (Yes, Xo, I am aware that you do not agree to that, but then, you're already damned, do i'd damn myself anyways. Just for you babe)

Anyways DA LEXLECKEHNESS IS BACHAH... Whoa... did i just say Baka?

Well i got Manga for dummies, and my pet snake like... killed the book... but not before i could get some really good pictures done! look in the pisctures foldr here

BTW Yes. his name is Daxic. Just proves I'm a nerd. I have pics of him on there too tho. so take a gander

Edit: does anyone else think its ironic that most people share the opinion i need to go that that MTV show Exiled?

[rpgangel]

Originally Posted by Axel Owns

so convo tomorrow? How does 9:00 PM eastern (2:00 AM GMT) sound for everyone? I don't know all of the timezones.

You all can have a convo earlier, I just won't be able to attend. I think I'll be home at around 1:00 (Central), and I have to go to hanging of the greens (for my church) at like 4:00.

*thumbs up* Sounds good. And no, i did NOT use that damned smiley. It creeps me out...

[Xodyc]

poke wanted me to post this. it's her character's background

My name is Lexlyk. I’m number thirty-three in the Exiled Organization. How and when I joined them though, is a different story. Not a single nobody doesn’t have a story. I’m here to tell you mine.

I grew up with a big, happy, family. There was me, my parents, and my four brothers and sisters. I think it’s really pathetic how I keep trying to hold onto something that’s not coming back.

When my parents died in a heartless attack, my and my older sister were forced to take care of our two younger brothers and our younger sister. I was 14 years old. The youngest brother, Aydrin, was my favorite, and I was his. He preferred me over everyone else. And I did the same for him.

My friends and I used to sneak out at night and train. In all that we did, I over excelled at archery. We were preparing ourselves for another battle with the heartless. This time we would win.

Only we didn’t.

---


“The heartless are here Kelly, you have to hide!” Lexus yelled at me. “No.” I said determinedly. “I can fight them.” And with that I ran outside with my bow and arrows in arm. I shot down many heartless, but then disaster stroke.

I hadn’t noticed Aydrin had followed me outside, until it was too late. While aiming for a heartless, the arrow went straight into my brother. I saw the blood, and ran to his aid, but it was too late. His heartbeat had stopped.

Consumed by anger and hatred for the heartless, and the lust for darkness, I dropped my weapons and opened my arms, welcoming the darkness that surrounded me. That day, I was reborn as a nobody, and from then on, I was known as Lexlyk, Number 33 of the Exiled Order, The Sadist’s Apathetic Love.

[Mastermind]

The story makes it seem as though she became part of the Exiled as soon as she turned into a nobody with rank and all.

[Dawning Twilight]

Originally Posted by rpgangel

they say good things come to those who wait. well, they're idiots.

anyways it makes me wonder just what it is that's making you take so long. it's like there's some wonder typing happening.

does that make me an idiot? T_T college, job, lack of internet, lack of computer time, writer's block. that basically sums it all up. but i have finished it by some miracle. i merely have to finish the first editing phase and then move onto the second editing phase and then i'm done. 3 sections made of about 8 chapters consisting of about 16 pages. ^_^

Originally Posted by Axel Owns

take your time. I'm sure we'd all rather have a good recruitment than a shabby recruitment that was rushed.

and are we all good for a convo on sunday? say times that would be good for you. I'm open... well idk, i'm gonna be traveling, so later in the day, maybe like 2 pm or later

thank you. i'll finish ASAP which for me might take a while..

Originally Posted by pokepotterkhkids

WAAAHHHTTTTT? I MISSED THE CONFERENCE!? DAMN MYSELF!!!!!!!!!! (Yes, Xo, I am aware that you do not agree to that, but then, you're already damned, do i'd damn myself anyways. Just for you babe)

Lol, hyper as ever i see. don't worry i missed the convo as well. ^^;;;

Originally Posted by pokepotterkhkids

Anyways DA LEXLECKEHNESS IS BACHAH... Whoa... did i just say Baka?

Why yes you did.

Originally Posted by pokepotterkhkids

Well i got Manga for dummies, and my pet snake like... killed the book... but not before i could get some really good pictures done! look in the pisctures foldr here

he killed an inanimate object? cool! i'll check out the images later.

Originally Posted by pokepotterkhkids

BTW Yes. his name is Daxic. Just proves I'm a nerd. I have pics of him on there too tho. so take a gander

Lol. DEFINITELTY.

Originally Posted by pokepotterkhkids

Edit: does anyone else think its ironic that most people share the opinion i need to go that that MTV show Exiled?

...I don't watch MTV.

Originally Posted by Xodyc

poke wanted me to post this. it's her character's background

why did she not post it herself? *curiosity*

Originally Posted by Xodyc

My name is Lexlyk. I’m number thirty-three in the Exiled Organization. How and when I joined them though, is a different story. Not a single nobody doesn’t have a story. I’m here to tell you mine.

beautiful but the way you introduced yourself by saying your name and rank is over used in my opinion. but is clearly just my opinion. ^^;;;

Originally Posted by Xodyc

I grew up with a big, happy, family. There was me, my parents, and my four brothers and sisters. I think it’s really pathetic how I keep trying to hold onto something that’s not coming back.

the third sentence was beautiful. the first two could be more descriptive. lacking in details.

Originally Posted by Xodyc

When my parents died in a heartless attack, my and my older sister were forced to take care of our two younger brothers and our younger sister. I was 14 years old. The youngest brother, Aydrin, was my favorite, and I was his. He preferred me over everyone else. And I did the same for him.

hmm seems too realistic. most likely if the Heartless attacked all would be wiped out but it keeps me reading more so it's good.

Originally Posted by Xodyc

My friends and I used to sneak out at night and train. In all that we did, I over excelled at archery. We were preparing ourselves for another battle with the heartless. This time we would win.

Only we didn’t.

---

sneak out at night to train? doesn't seem realistic enough. would people really do that? if so why would kids do that? nice last sentence.

Originally Posted by Xodyc

“The heartless are here Kelly, you have to hide!” Lexus yelled at me. “No.” I said determinedly. “I can fight them.” And with that I ran outside with my bow and arrows in arm. I shot down many heartless, but then disaster stroke.

i doubt you could kill Heartless with arrows Lol. think about it. "no." "i can fight them." that would be in one area not in two different areas.

Originally Posted by Xodyc

I hadn’t noticed Aydrin had followed me outside, until it was too late. While aiming for a heartless, the arrow went straight into my brother. I saw the blood, and ran to his aid, but it was too late. His heartbeat had stopped.

interesting idea accidently killing your brother. nice plot idea. very intriguing.

Originally Posted by Xodyc

Consumed by anger and hatred for the heartless, and the lust for darkness, I dropped my weapons and opened my arms, welcoming the darkness that surrounded me. That day, I was reborn as a nobody, and from then on, I was known as Lexlyk, Number 33 of the Exiled Order, The Sadist’s Apathetic Love.

why would you suddenly lust for darkness? explain please. how you became a Nobody is very unlikely. as for "welcoming the darkness" did you mean that you let the Heartless around you consume your heart? the way you introduce yourself, title and ETC. was a bit too straight forward, too obvious. but the first sentence was very well described. ^_^ overall it's ok but there are quite a few things that i would suggest you correct. >=D

Originally Posted by Mastermind

The story makes it seem as though she became part of the Exiled as soon as she turned into a nobody with rank and all.

exactly lack of story there. she suddenly just fell into the Exiled. who found her, how did they react to her, how did she react to them, ETC. nice catch MM. BTW MM i was wondering if you and Xodyc would mind if i used both your character's in the Salix's intro to the Exiled story.

[Xodyc]

DT-- apparently KHI is blocked on her comp and sure go ahead use Xodyc

[Dawning Twilight]

ah i see. makes enough sense. thanks for letting me use your character too. ^_^ though Xodyc is silent i do have him speak once i hope that will be ok.

[Mastermind]

You don't have to ask to use my character DT. I encourage it.

[╬ProperArtist╬]

I'd say I have to agree with everyone else here on the story PPK.

It's way to just to the point without really having any substance and doesn't really have any pacing.
I also agree with what DT said in why would children go out to train in the middle of the night, I mean it just doesn't seem realistic but instead like a bad anime cliche.

I do like the fact that she accidentally kills her little brother, but she gave up way to quickly. It'd be a little better if she killed him to prevent his heart from being taken. I mean that part is fine the way it is now but with the way the heartless attack she wouldn't have 5 seconds to grieve before she's overcome with heartless. So she'd have to process in her head the events that just took place in her head in, grieve and then decide to stop fighting. I mean she could accidentally shoot him realize what she'd done stand over him and keep firing off as many arrows as she can until she runs out to which point she'd probably just shield his body with her own.
That way just sounds a little more realistic to me.

Also the whole introducing yourself as already being a member is overdone like DT mentioned earlier and the fact that you mention not how you became a member of the Exiled is a little off putting as well and should most definitely be fixed.

Another small interesting tid bit would be that the this whole Lexlyk becoming a heartless part can't take place too far from her parents being killed because once the heartless arrive in a world it's not long before they take over that world completely. Just look at Destiny Islands within minutes it went from being a normal world to being completely tied and taken over by the heartless. So I doubt she'd have much time to take refuge from them especially considering how they tend to travel in swarms at a time.