Twilight's Destiny.

[Hybrid~Fusion]

This is my first Kingdom Hearts Fic.I'll try to update the story once or twice a week.

EDIT: Look, you might read this first chapter and see that it isn't good. Don't go. I have the rewritten version of it on the bottom of the page. You won't regret doing that.

So, here goes: The first chapter.
Twilight's Destiny

Chapter 1: Strange Dreams - Part 1

After the return of Sora and Riku to the Islands, life went back to normal. Until one night.

"Who's there?" Asked a voice
"The other side of your heart. The one that was born from the darkness." Replied another voice.
"I meant your name"
"You know, just look to the other side. Sora…"
"Huh?"
Then Sora woke up. He had a dream, but it was more real than he could ever think.
So, later, what the mysterious voice said was bothering Sora so much that he could not hide it. Kairi came to see what was happening.
"What's it, Sora?" - Said the girl, worried about Sora.
"It's nothing."- Replied the worried Sora.
"C'mon, I know it isn't nothing. You can trust me. I'm your… Friend"
"Kairi… I don't know what's happening to me. My dreams…are…"
"They are what, Sora?"
"I can only say mysterious for now. But I think that will stop."
"I do hope so. I just can't see you like this…"
"Huh?"
"Oh…it's…it's nothing. Well, see you tomorrow!" - And then Kairi went to her house.
'Sorry, Kairi…' thought Sora.
'I hope that dream doesn't come back. But if it comes again. I won't know what to do… '
So, when Sora was sleeping, the last night's dream continued.
"Please, tell me who are you?"
"I already told you. I'm the other side of your heart."
"What is exactly that you want to mean?"
"I'm you. But at the same time, I'm not you. I am your Nobody. I am Roxas, the key of destiny."
"So, why didn't you say so?"
"I thought the hints I gave you were going to make you easily discover who I was…"
"Where are we?"
"At the white room. But you know this place. Twilight Town's mansion. Remember?"
"Yes, but what do you want with me."
"I can't say it now. But the King MIGHT know something that can help you. I gotta go."
"Wait!"
But as Sora was trying to stop Roxas to go. He woke up again…



And that's it. You don't even imagine what's coming next.

[Haku]

The main problems that I found reading the story were:
1) The chapter was too short.
2) It needs to have everything in paragraph form.
3) Also try to split up your sections instead of them being just one huge block of text in which it was hard to determine who was talking, since it was just one huge conversation after another.

But keep trying though, I look forward into seeing how the next chapter goes.

[Hybrid~Fusion]

Originally Posted by Haku

The main problems that I found reading the story were:
1) The chapters were too short.
2) It needs to have everything in paragraph form.
3) Also try to split up your sections instead of them being just one huge block of text in which it was hard to determine one was talking, since it was just one huge conversation after another.

But keep trying though, I look forward into seeing how the next chapter goes.

This isn't exactly a chapter... it is more a prologue... but I'll try to make it different.

[Lycanthrope]

Originally Posted by Haku

The main problems that I found reading the story were:
1) The chapter was too short.
2) It needs to have everything in paragraph form.
3) Also try to split up your sections instead of them being just one huge block of text in which it was hard to determine who was talking, since it was just one huge conversation after another.

But keep trying though, I look forward into seeing how the next chapter goes.

I concur with Haku. As well, it lacked description, as it really only took a few seconds to read. The dialog is problematic, as that seems to be your strong suit and preference, and nothing is wrong with a lot of dialog. But try to balance in a bit of description and actions, as those are always appreciated by readers.

[Ban Mido]

Almost everything I can think of has already been mentioned, other than start a new line whenever you have a different person speak. and don't be affraid to be descriptive about things, such as a character's appearences, facial expressionsthat they might give while they speak, and gesures that they could make. Don't let it be mostly dialog. I'll PM you some tips I gave to another guy in a minute. I'm sure they'll help you.

And you might think about changing the title. There is already a fic called Twiliight's Destiny.

[Lycanthrope]

Originally Posted by Allstargamer

And you might think about changing the title. There is already a fic called Twiliight's Destiny.

There is no rule regarding having the same fanfic title on 2 stories as long as they are stories that are not plagiarized .

[Ban Mido]

It just might help to avoid confusion is all.

[blendedhearts]

Originally Posted by Allstargamer

I'll PM you some tips I gave to another guy in a minute.

hi, i'm another guy. but seriously, there are a few things you need work on. if ASG is giving you the same tips as me, i pretty much only have a couple of things to say.

1. try to give a bit more story. just randomly jumping into things is not a good idea. for example: you just had Roxas talking to Sora in his dreams out of nowhere. and then all of a sudden we're at a point were Kairi is asking Sora how he is.

2. try to get the feel of the characters. example: having a person all calm and quiet like Riku decide to hang upside-down for the fun of it is not a good idea either. try to look at it from a reader's point of view to see what people might think about it.

[Nelo Angelo]

for a second there i thought this was nojeroms story.
the same name you see as people have mentioned.

well the pointers people have given is what i was thinking too.
dont worry my friend, its not a bad start, you will definetly get better.

[Hybrid~Fusion]

Well, I didn't know that there was another fic with the same title. maybe Tuesday or Wednesday I'll be coming with the first chapter rewritten, and the second chapter as . You'll see how it'll be different. (And you guys really make me remember what was to write a real fic.)

[Nelo Angelo]

its no problem my friend, you can have the same title if you wish.
and i hope the advice will help you strive to become better, your young. you got talent, keep at it.

[blendedhearts]

i'll be happy to help any time.

[Lycanthrope]

You honestly remind me of myself a year ago. My writing was horrible and atrocious when I joined last year, but I got tips from various writers. I put those tips to good use and carefully analyzed them, applied them to my writing, and now quite a few members enjoy my stories. It just takes time and practice.

[Hybrid~Fusion]

'kay, here's Chapter one - rewritten version.

Twilight's Destiny

Chapter 1: Strange Dreams - Part 1

After the return of Sora and Riku to the Islands, life went back to normal. Until one night.

A boy was having a dream. A very strange one.

"Who's there?" - Asked a voice, of a boy. The boy was standing in a white room, with drawings and, facing nothing else but a white table and some drawings of it

"The other side of your heart. The one that was born from the darkness." Replied another voice, which the boy knew, but he couldn't reckon it.

"I meant your name" - Replied the boy, with many thoughts at the time.

"You know, just look to the other side. Sora…" - The mysterious voice said. Sora was still puzzled.

"Huh?" - And Sora felt that his dream was fading, but he could not do anything to stop it.

Then Sora woke up, a little bit puzzled and very confused. Then later, Sora and Kairi were sitting on the beach, and then Kairi felt that Sora wasn't ok.

"What's it, Sora?" - Said Kairi, worried about Sora, wanting to know what happened to him.

"It's nothing."- Replied the worried Sora, trying not to worry even more Kairi.

"C'mon, I know it isn't anything. You can trust me. I'm your… Friend" - Said Kairi, which looked like she was even more worried than before…

"Kairi… I can't say for sure what's been happening to me. My dreams…are…"- And Sora couldn't think of a word to end the phrase.


"They are what, Sora?" - Asked a surprised Kairi. She sat her hand on Sora's shoulder, trying to get better results.

"I can only say mysterious for now. But I think that will stop." - Said Sora, trying to comfort Kairi.

"I do hope so. I just can't see you like this…" - Said Kairi, who was less worried

"Huh?" - Sora "did not" listen Kairi saying that.

"Oh…it's…it's nothing. Well, see you tomorrow!" - And then Kairi went to her house.

Sorry, Kairi , thought Sora. I just hope that that dream doesn't come back. What's the meaning of having such strange dreams?

So, when Sora was sleeping, the last night's dream came back.

"Please, tell me who are you!" - Sora said, because he did not have any hint about him

"I already told you. I'm the other side of your heart." - Said the mysterious voice, a little bit angry.

"What is exactly that you want to mean?" - Said Sora, that could no longer follow the mysterious voice 'hints'

"I'm you. But at the same time, I'm not you. I am your Nobody. I am Roxas, the key of destiny." - Said the mysterious voice, now revealing itself. Sora couldn't believe it.

"So, why didn't you say so?" - Said a calmed but still puzzled Sora.

"I thought the hints I gave you were going to make you easily discover who I was…"- Said Roxas, as they were getting close to each other.

"Where are we?" - Said Sora, knowing that he had been in that place before, but he could not remember it.

"At the Station of Serenity. But you know this place. Twilight Town. Remember?" - Said Roxas, with a more comforted smile

"Yes, but what do you want with me?" Asked Sora, feeling somewhat strange in the presence of the one that was and was not him.

"I can't say it now. But your King MIGHT know something that can help you. I gotta go." - Said Roxas, fading away.

"Wait!" - Sora tried to stop him, but it was too late… and as Sora was trying to stop Roxas to go, he woke up again…

Hope you like it! ( And I'll accept any help I can get)

[Lycanthrope]

I'd definitely say this is an improvement. There are a few grammatical errors I noticed, but I can be rather picky on those. Also, you still need work on being more descriptive and drawing the reader into the story more.