The other twelve key bearers

[Riku2321]

The other twelve key bearers

This is going to be about the other twelve key bearers. Also this is set in the past so the organization is going to be in it.

Chapter 1: keybearer one: Hikari

Huh? I wonder what that noise is in the back ally over there think Hikari. So I headed over there. “What the hell” said Hikari. There were little black weird tiny bug things. Then a shine appeared and something was in Hikari hand. “What is this” said Hikari. A voice said “Fight the dark”.

“Fine I will” yelled Hikari. He swung his weapon and one was gone. “This weapon is this strong” said Hikari. He swung his weapon some more and they were gone but then a darkness shrouded on Hikari. “What’s going on?” asked Hikari. He then landed on a platform. Then there were three weapons. Hikari grabbed the sword.

A voice said “Do you want to have strength like a warrior or not”. “yes” responded Hikari. Then the voice said “What do you want to give up defense or magic”. “Magic” said Hikari. “Now tell me what’s going on” yelled Hikari. “You’ll find out” said the voice very quiet. Then Hikari went up on stairs. Then the voice said “Don’t fear the dark”. Hikari almost fell. Then a giant dark figure appeared.


“More Fighting” whined Hikari. Then the special weapon returned. Then Hikari stabbed the dark figure. He fell but got back up and then he made dark soldier appear and he killed them all with one slash. Then he slashed the dark figure again and he died. Then Hikari was in a different world.

To be continued………..

[Riku2321]

anyone like it or not..........................................

[nojerom_14]

alright Riku, i do like it. it's pretty cool
some tips to give off:
1. proofread? yeah that might make it a little less confusing, dude.
2. make sure you got your tense and puntuation right. helps with the confusion.
3. add a little more detail. it'll make it sound way better than it does now.

it's pretty good, just needs a bit of editing.

[OneNineNineFour]

^Agreed with above poster. But I emphasize everything she said A LOT.

You need a LOT of practise, sorry to say. I'm not trying to be mean, but that was a very poor fanfiction.

But don't give up hope! All of us start out somewhere. A few little pointers here.

A) Remember to add in the " for each speech, AND thought. For thoughts, I like to add italics. Such as this.

"What are you talking about?", Bob questioned, somewhat slowly.
"What the heck is he talking about?", Bob wondered nervously.

B) You didn't give a lot of details. The end kind of "irked" me. You could've put this:

"And then, before Hikari, a light appeared. Walking towards the light, Hikari could feel warmth and kindness seemingly radiating from it. Whatever it was, and wherever it went, Hikari knew for a fact that it wasn't about to take him home. Regardless, he entered. . ."

That's vague, but it works.

C) Remember, to add the apostrophe (') and s after some things.

(Example from your story)

Then a shine appeared and something was in Hikari hand.

Then a shine appeared, and something was in Hikari's hand.


And don't forget your comma's.



Other than that, keep on writing! Remember these things, and try to practise them.