Legacy Of The Worlds

[TheLastKnight]

I guess I have a few readers

[snowdog]

Okay, I've read them. n_n

The main problem with your writing is that there's just too much telling, and not enough showing. Don't tell us that "Steelic managed to guide the ship to safety, and we survived. We soon got out of the ship, and Steelic turned to me.". Describe how it happened! The dangerous journey to the landing could have been a great section of the chapter. That's just one example but there are plenty of places that this could have been applied. Also, try to be more vivid with your descriptions; don't assume the reader knows what things, places, or people look like.

The narrative itself is okay, as is the general dialogue. We don't know much about the characters though. Try to pad them out a little.

It's good that you're obviously continuing to work on your writing though. Hope this criticism helps. <3

[TheLastKnight]

This is what I was looking for, thank you snowdog

I tried saying in my last fic, if you guys don't tell me what is wrong, I can't fix it

[Eternal Redemption]

hey the themes quite good but it might need a bit of work keep it up!

[TheLastKnight]

Don't worry about that, I'll watch it.

Chapter 3 is almost done

[TheLastKnight]

I tried fixing a few things, but I was already about half way done...I'll work all of your advice towards the next chapter
_________
Chapter 3, The Great Styx!

I had such a nice sleep, he didn't kill us...but I guess his leader wants to talk to me..So, why would he? "Man..." I said, "That was a better night than last night...sleeping in that jail cell..."

"Yeah, much better..." Steelic agreed. Then he whispered to me, "Why did you decide to go?" I stared back at him...

I said, "It's better than rotting in that dungeon forever, Or execution..."

"I guess so..." Steelic replied. We were coming closer and closer...But, Earth was getting farther and farther...I missed my planet. I was still so surprised when I learned about other worlds...

I was thinking about what my girlfriend, Edai, was doing right now...as I gaze into the stars.

"What are you doing?" Ax asked me.

"Just looking at the stars..." I replied.

"Well, don't get all soft on me kid..." he said, with a punch to the shoulder, "My leader wants to talk to you as soon as we get there, and I mean AS SOON as we get there!"

"I know that..." I said, "How long until we're there?"

"hm...Not sure..." Ax replied, He looked out the window of his space shuttle, "Shit... We've got company..."

There was an entire space fleet of what I thought was army space crafts!! "What were they doing?" I wondered. It was most certainly not the army...The army, in space...? No way!

"What are we going to do?" I asked calmly.

"...I don't really know...this ship isn't built for battle..." Ax said, as if he'd been defeated.

"Can't this craft go into a warp speed," Steelic asked, "Like a gravitational warp? Can you do one of those?"

"That's what I was thinking..." Ax replied, "Let's warp out of this mess!" The entire ship just darted forward, as if Ax was committing suicide, and bringing us down with him... Well, if it was an airplane on earth, it would've been.

We came out of it just fine, and we were great, the ship was still intact, Everything was fine...I was very stunned. Everything was going great until Ax said, "We're running low on power..."

"Then...we'll need to go to another planet other than Spike..." Steelic said, "And,hopefully, refill our power..."

He said, "Then let's do it...we'll land on Styx...Where lord Achilles lives!" We lower down into the world, and we all land safely and quietly, we step out of the craft, and we see ourselves surrounded by stores...malls, and, guess what? We're in the middle of a damn carnival.

"...So, where now?" I asked.

"Scar...just wait a minute, we have to wait until the carnival is over, so we don't disturb anyone, we wouldn't want that, now would we?" Axilor asked.

"No," I replied, "What are we suppose to do?"

"I'd go to a weapon shop, and find a better sword," Ax replied, "You can't win a fight with that here,"

"Okay," I said, depressed, I went to the weapon/armor shops. "I need a really nice sword... How much is that one over there?" I pointed to a sharp, dusty blade.

"That'll be, $1800" The store clerk said. The store was a very dark, wooden house, made into a shop. "It shouldn't be that much..."

I reach into my pockets, and I pull out my wallet. I know you're probably thinking, "This guy fights with a wallet? does he keep it in his front or back?" Well, I keep it in the back. I gave the clerk the money, he gave me the sword, I thanked him, and left. I believed I was pretty good with armor, so I didn't need it, I went back to the carnival to find Steelic.

"This is retarded," Steelic said.

"I know, I replied.

He said to me, "Why did we have to land in the middle of something like THIS?"

"I have no clue," I said, "Where's Ax?"

He replied, "I have no clue...But, I wish he'd hurry up... He is taking a while, and he said he'd be right back..."

Hmm...Right now you're probably thinking, "This is boring...just get on with the story, asshole!" Well, this is the best part.

Ax finally gets back, but he comes back with someone else, a woman. He is so beautiful, and gorgeous. It was almost a dream seeing her. She looked alot like Edai. In fact, it might've been.

"Edai?" I asked.

"Is that you Scar!?" She asked me.

"Yeah, I'm so glad to see you!" She rushed into my arms, I asked, "Where have you been all this time?"

"I've been here, Not doing anything really, just having fun at the carnival!" She replied, "I had to get my mind off of things!"

Steelic whispered to me, "Hmm...She didn't seem to be worried...Did you guys have some sort of fight before all of that happened?"

I whispered back, "You were there, you never saw us fighting, her arms didn't squeeze me as tight as they normally do either... I'm a bit worried about her, like, why did she end up here? What has she REALLY been doing?"

"Think it could be a fake?"

"Maybe, there's a high possibility," I replied, "I know what I get back from staring into her eyes, I got nothing this time," we returned to the conversation. "Hey, you remember what my favorite color is, right?"

She replied, "yeah, it's blue,"

"No..." I said, "it's red, what is my favorite band?"

"Uh...Nickel back!"

"No...You don't remember anything, do you? It's Stone Sour!" I said.

"We should get going, shouldn't we?" Still questioning myself about believing her or not, I followed alongside of Steelic, in front of her. She followed at the back of the group.

I whispered to Ax, "where did you find her?"

"I found her near here, on this trail," He replied. The area was covered with grass, and a brown trail leading the way to Achilles' palace, along with some trees.

"Are we going to the palace?" Steelic asked.

"If you want, I was going to take a left to the power station," Ax replied.

"Okay then, doesn't really matter..." Steelic said.

A group of soldiers came out of the opening of a huge,long forest, they look like the mean business, like they want to attack, and put us all in jail. Wait, jailed twice!? That's out of the question!

"Lord Achilles wants to see you now!" The soldier said. He drew out his sword, "If you refuse, I must insist!" The soldier came darting towards us!!

I dodge it with a roll to the side, and I brought out my new sword, and I defended myself. "Kill him, now!" I heard Steelic saying.

"What? I have to kill?" I said. I never had to kill anyone before. Did he mean taking an actual human life!?

"Yes! Just do it!" Ax said. I couldn't find it in me to kill an innocent person. But, I soon decided to just do it, I unguarded, jumped back, and I slashed the man across the chest, killing him. Afterwards, I was shaking so bad.

I was scared, I never killed anyone before! Why did I have to kill him!? Why couldn't he of just have left us alone?

Suddenly more soldiers were coming, there was six in total. I was still scared of killing other men, and women.

We tried defending ourselves, but it didn't work, the soldiers got our hands behind our back, put handcuffs on, and then they dragged us to the castle.

[snowdog]

It feels rushed, though it's better than the other two.

Remember to proofread, there are a number of mistakes in grammar there. And... also... stop... using... these: "...". They're only to be used for long pauses. Not every other word.

You're picking up on your weak points. Keep practicing! =D

<3

[TheLastKnight]

Thanks snow! I was also thinking that thing about the dots.

anyways, I'm trying not to rush so much.

also, I asked on the authors corner, but, do you guys think stories might look better centered?

[snowdog]

No. Personally I don't like that. =3

<3

[TheLastKnight]

okay, just curious.

Chapter 4 will be up tomorrow, but I won't post it if Snow and FK will be the only ones.

I'll wait for some more readers, and posters.

[Dantés de Divinity]

Hmm... Its better but as a tip put it on Microsoft word and do spell and grammar check. That is what I do and I have to tell you it works and it works well. All you have to do is elaborate a little bit better and you should be good.
bowchickawowwow

[TheLastKnight]

Originally Posted by xikem

Hmm... Its better but as a tip put it on Microsoft word and do spell and grammar check. That is what I do and I have to tell you it works and it works well. All you have to do is elaborate a little bit better and you should be good.
bowchickawowwow

yeah...I thought I told ya before, must not have...My comp has no Microsoft word

and KHI doesn't include grammar check

MS word is on my dad's comp, but I'm not allowed to use that one...

[Dantés de Divinity]

Well that sucks.lol. (Cough) For real though get an English book out and check if you have to. (I have to when I write it down in my comp books. Yes I do that dorky huh?) That’s and elaborate better and you’re good. Don't stop write'n kid 'cause I'll keep read'n.^_^
bowchickawowwow

[TheLastKnight]

That's quite boring, I'll go to a certain extent, This is only a fic.

The KHI spell check said nothing about any spelling wrong, I don't know about grammar...

[Dantés de Divinity]

A fic it may be but its your fiction. Do what you wish with it I won't stop you.lol. What I'm trying to say is just take your time with it and it should come out great. ^_^
bowchickawowwow