kingdom hearts: the other twelve key bearers

[Riku2321]

This is going to be about the twelve other key bearers. [ obvoulisy charecters i made up ]. This is going to be a couple chapter per key bearer so here we go.

Number one: Hikari
Gender: Boy


Chapter one: How it began.

"Hey, Yusuke" said Hikari. "What's up" asked Yusuke? "Um, You want to go to the shop" said Hikari. "Sure" replyed Yusuke.

On the way there........ they meet.......... heartless. ................

"What are these" asked Hikairi. "I don't know" replyed Yusuke. Hikari started to punch them but nothing happened. and then a flash came and Hikari dissaped. He was in a weird world. He heard a voice it said the key, go get the key. "Huh" said Hikari?

He saw a key on the ground and it was sharp and it had a holder type thing like a sword. It's a keyblade said the voice.

Fight them said the voice. "What" asked Hikari. He hit the heartless and they were gone.


Sorry i had to make the chapter short. i have to get off the computer,

[Question!]

uh, the story's alright, but several things. Mostly suggestions.

1. When somebody new talks, start a new paragraph.

2. You have some bad grammar. I would suggest typing on word, or using spellcheck if you do.

3. Yes, chapters should be longer, if possible. Though, I do understand the pressures of having to get off the computer.

[Aceflyheight]

I have to agree with wae's suggestions. If you work on those three things then you could turn this into a great story. I kind of like the idea of you doing a few chapters per new keyblader. It kind of keeps us on our toes about what exactly each person will do with their keyblade and might even show that the keyblade doesn't always choose a person who will become a hero of light, unlike what some fanfictions show. No offense to anybody who might be offended by that.

Oh and one more suggestion: try and be more descriptive when it comes to writing. It makes your writing flow better as long as you don't overdo it and it can also attract more readers sometimes, even though I'm definitly one to talk.

Well I digress, just keep on writing, try out our suggestions, and drop me a pm if I don't ever get around to commenting on your next chapter.

[Ban Mido]

I think you should try typing it up in a word document, and then copy and paste it into the reply box.

[TheLastKnight]

uhh................what?...........