Birth of Axel

[Axel"s Chakram]

Ale. A man with a heart of flame. He lived as a theif, with his partner Vulcan. They were the perfect criminal pair. They had pulled thousands of jobs. But they were going to pull one that was going to be risky, but if done right, would pay off. They were going to rob the king. " Okay, here is how we are going to pull this off. First, we need to take out the two gaurds in front of the door. Then I am going to lower the gate. Once we go in, it's a straight run to the throne room. Once inside the throne room, We shut off the lights. After pulling so many night jobs, our eyes will adjust to the darkness easily. We work our way over to the vault, taking out as many gaurds as needed. We take as much money as we could, and get the heck out of there. You got that, Ale?"
" Yes, Vulcan."

So they tried to pull the job as planned. " Were almost to the throne room." said Vulcan. Suddenly they heard a click. " It's a trap! Ale, get out of here!". Ale ran for the door. Just as he was going out the door, Ale turned to see Vulcan's dead corpse. He was stabbed to death. In the rage, Ale was swallowed by darkness. As his heart flew away, Ale turned into two beings. The small being of darkness with buggy yellow eyes crawled away, but the being that looked almost exactly like Ale stood infront of the castle. His eyes turned comepletely red, and he started to create a fire ball in each hand. He started to set fire to the whole castle. When the entire building was engulfed in flames, the fiery being just stood there, laughing.

This is my first fan fiction. Tell me what you think about it.

[Ban Mido]

Good idea, I can see Axel being a theif of sorts. But you need to refine it a little, keep it true to KH's theme. Plus, you need to start a new paragraph every time you someone new starts to speak. And don't be affraid to go into details.

[Axel"s Chakram]

Thanks, All star gamer. I was just trying to think of something to make Ale angry enough to become a heartless and nobody.