ailien menace

[Dman2.0]

umm this is my first fan fic and i dont know how to do this but i will try

prouloge

In a world under war, when an unknown enemy attacks two normal people will become the greatest heroes in their world. First though they must get the government on their side.

[Haku]

Firstly you should always look over what you've got so far because you've put the word "an" twice, secondly whenever you're starting a sentence that first letter should be capitalized, I would have also liked to have seen the prologue to be a bit longer to get a overall understanding on what the plot was about. But keep going though this has potential.

[Dman2.0]

ok thank you i will edit

i had the story for years so i know how it ends

[White Tiger]

Also don't forgot punctuation, just rewrite/rethink the story and add more information to it.

[Dman2.0]

i hope you all like it.

it will be a fantasy story with orcs and stuff like that. I just dont know what the two main characters names should be. Any help? they are guys

[Dman2.0]

sorry for the double post but chapter 1 is ready

Dex looked up at the large wooden doors with aww. He had passed by the council hall many times but he had never actualy been inside. "Well, good luck" Dex said to himself as he pushed the door open. He walked in and looked over every inch of the interior of the dome he new so well from the other side. "Can i help you young man?" said a woman startiling Dex from his trance. Dex walked ovwer to the desk she was sitting at."Yes, I am looking to find a job with the council" Dex said nervously to the woman who appeared to be quite aged."Go through that hallway untill you reach the door with the grand council seal on it; they should be in there now" the woman said in a slow rasping voice. Dex walked over to where she pointed and stopped to collect his thoughts. He continued on to the door. He opened the door slightly and heard voices on the other side. " We cant afford a war!" he heard a woman shout. "we must strike back, they are becoming more organized and deadly as we speak!" yelled a man. Dex pushed the door open all the way and said "Umm im here for the-". " seize him!" shouted a tall bald man. Two guards sprang out off the shadows and grabbed Dex. Put him with the other one. The men dragged Dex out of the room into the prison chamber. "Let go of me" shouted Dex as he struggled against the guards but they were too strong.They threw him into a cell with another boy about the same age. After a while of silence Dex asked the other boy "Who are you?". "I am Fritz, I am a spy, i needed to know what is going on in the outside world so I infiltrated the grand council" said the boy."And you got caught?" Dex said knowing how bad the offense was. they seemed to be talking of war, do you know anything about it?" Dex asked. " Apparently the orcs are rebelling" Fritz replied. " The council wants to keep it under wraps then i guess" said Dex. "I dont want anything to happen to this city so we have to do something" said Fritz. "We cant do anything in here". True we need to get out" said Fritz, "Do you know enrgy morphing?" he asked."Yes I learned it a while back."lets blow out of this place then". The two boys created small orbs of energy with there hands and blasted them into the wall. They stepped through the newly made hole into the courtyard. They ran over into the trees and sat down to plan."what are you doing?" they heard a cold voice say.

end of chapter 1 hope you liked it

[Ban Mido]

It shouldn't be just a big block of writing. It has to be broken off into seperate paragraphs. Also, start a new line or paragraph whenever a different person starts to speak. That way, nobody gets confused with which character is saying what.

[Dman2.0]

ok ill remember that anything else? what about the actual story?

[White Tiger]

Also do a spell check after you finish so it can pick up any spelling/grammar mistakes. It was a good start, make the next chapter longer.

[TheLastKnight]

heh, divide up into paragraphs, when a new person speaks, start a new one

[Haku]

Everyone else has covered all of the issues that I found.

[Dman2.0]

so its good except for its a big block without paragraphs and some mistakes

[Dantés de Divinity]

Sounds good dude just make those changes and your good.
bowchickawowwow

[Dman2.0]

hey guys heres chapter two i tried to follow the advice hope you like it



"Who are you?" Fritz asked the cloaked person who just appeared.

"Names are not important now" he said. " I need youyour help" he said " The grand council has been trying to cover up a war that is brewing as wen speak!"

"I heard something about a war before they locked me up" Dex said.

"Yes, the orcs are rebelling, they already took one city" said the mysterious man.

"Then we need to do something!" said Fritz.

"You must find the ranger Cree" the mysterious man said "He lives in the forest off of the old Rindol Road."

"We will get some horses from the stables and be off instantly" said Fritz as he turned to Dex.When he turned back the mysterious man was gone.They took off silently sneaking to the stables that were right outside the huge city of Boroc.

"This is a fine horse" said Fritz as he climbed up into the saddle.

"aye, and I will take this one" said Dex patting a horse on the nose. "Lets go"

They rode out onto the road and galloped as fast as they could away frome the place they knew as home.When they could just barely see the city against the night sky they stopped to rest.

"Rindol Road passes this main Road doesnt it?" asked Fritz.

"Aye" Dex replied "It shouldnt be too far"

"We will set off first thing in the morning. You can take the first watch" Fritz said. He handed a dagger to Dex and then went off to the grass to sleep.

Dex looked around the fields jumping at everything that moved in the bushes, only to find that it was some small animal or just the wind. He heard a draqgon roar in the distance and the horses dug their hooves into the ground. After a while Dex drove the dagger, wich he was clenching so tightly his hand was numb, into the ground and walked over to Fritz.

"Fritz" he said "Wake up it is time for your watch."

"Ok" Fritz got up and walked over to the dagger retrieving it from the rough ground.

"Wake me up just before dawn" Dex said. "We need to get there as soon as possible, there is no time to waste."

"Dex" Fritz whispered "Dex wake yup" he repeated.

"It hasnt even been an hour " Dex replied irritated.

"orc scouts" Fritz said. That was all he needed to say; Dex jumped up and led the horses over to the bushes.

"How many are there?" Dex inquired.

"Four two for you two for me" Fritz said.

"Lets get 'em" The two boys sneaked behind the orcs and ambushed them.

Fritz grabbed the closest one from the back and cut his throat with the dagger.Dex created a ball of energy and slammed it into the second orcs stomach leaving a gaping hole. The two remaining orcs tried to flee but the boys caught up with them and slayed them with their own swords.

"That was fun and now we have weopons" said Fritz picking up a hideous blood stained sword.

"Yes we should move on now, the rest will come soon" said Dex. He ran and mounted his horse. The two took off at top soeed untill they reached the crossroad.

They rode for two days until they finaly reached the forest.

"Well this is it" said Fritz.

"Lets go in and find Cree" said Dex and the two boys took their first steps into the forest and a completly new life.

[Dantés de Divinity]

Ahh (takes reading glasses off) much better on the eyes. Good job dude.
bowchickawowwow