The End of Light and The Beginning of Darkness

[notyetnamed4]

In the year 2903 was the start of an adventure that none would soon forget.
Prologue

It all started in April of 1998 when a mysterious comet hit the Earth. At first people just ignored it and went on with there lives. About 29 years later an old man started thinking that he was hearing the comet move and talk. He ran to the police to tell them what had happend but they just laughed at him and told him that he was just hearing things. On his way out he cursed the town and all the world for laughing at him. His name is Harlo and he is 89 but once he said his curse the police took it as a threat and locked him up. Harlo died three years later and that is when it all began. The comet on the day Harlo died the comet cracked in half and a dark cloud started to pour out. Everything around it began to die.



Chapter1 will be posted in a few days

[Ban Mido]

Okay, first, it's way too short to count as a chapter in my opinion. It seems more like a prologue. You're chapters can't be just a paragraph. And you should have the last sentence start at "On the day that Harlo died..." with a comma after died. And make sure you capitalize the first letter when you're typing a character's name.

I don't mean to sound critical if I it seems that way, But there is a lot of room for improvement here.

[nojerom_14]

he's newb, leave him alone, he don't know what he's doing, and also, he's in my computer class, of which he says he wants all the bad guys to win.

and now he says he's gonna give me a bad pm lol

[notyetnamed4]

I know who you are nojerom_14 scince you are right next to me Ill start annoying you so be nice

[nojerom_14]

well i annoy you all the time, so we're even

[notyetnamed4]

Chapter1: The Darkness Spreads


The black mist that rose from the comet took 1 hour to completely spread all around the world. The mist has a secrete that no one could find out what it was until they saw Harlo in a black robe and a staff that controled all the powers on earth. The people pleaded and begged for mercy but Harlo was tired of being laughed at all the time so he killed all who got in the way. There was however a source of light that Harlo had no idea of what it was or where it is so the people did there best to stop Harlo until it was ready.

On the island of Hatii(recently changed to Doom Canyon) a small child was born of the last light that exists on earth. The parents of the child named him Peace Bringer for they knew he would be the one to stop the evil of the world. By the time Peace Bringer was 10 he had gain a little control of the light power that was within him. Harlo could feel that some where there was light and he must find out where it is and stop it before it grew larger. Harlo knew that if any amount of light got through that he would become valnerable again.

Peace Bringers parents feared that Harlo knew where the light is that he would come to kill them. They left the island and found a town that had not been named something evil. The town had been affected by the mist but the name of the town gave hope to the people so darkness had no effect on it. It was the town of life. All the people here were palidans but the mist took away all of there magical powers and left them defensless. When Peace Bringeer arrived he and his family were greeted and given a place to stay for they had already knew he was the light.

The palidans thought that Peace Bringer could give them there powers back. They were wrong and what they did not know was that Harlo was on his way to the town of Life at that very moment. For he believed that the palidans had regeined there powers somehow and he would kill every one of them once and for all. At about 2:00 Peace Bringer heard an explosion and knew that Harlo was destroying his way to the town. He warned the palidans and they led him to a secret cavern that was underground. For they knew that the cavern was guarded by the god of light and that no matter how strong evil gets they will never get in. Now the palidans feared that there chance to destroy evil once and for all was coming to an end. The palidans now agreed that it was time to begin Peace Bringers training in the power of light that he has at his use.

Chapter2 is coming soon please sit back down it wasn't that scary or was it? hahaha chapter2 is Peace Bringers Training

[Deeman]

If you can't accept critique, then I suggest you don't post your story here. How else are you to improve if you don't know what to improve upon?

Also, you spammers need to stop spamming, now.

For your first chapter, I'll leave you some advice. First off, it sounds like a summary. Yes, a summary. You are rushing events way too quickly. Slow down and let the story progress in longer, more detailed chapters. Honestly, almost every sentence you wrote in that chapter summarizes something new that happened.

So that's the first rule of writing: Don't Rush.

Secondly, you need to watch your spelling and grammar. Incorrect spelling is one thing, but improper use of grammar is another. Some sentences you have written are fragments, while others run-on-errors. Watch what you write and make sure that what you've written makes sense. Watch out for verb confusion as well. Keep your verb tense in a solid position. If you're writing the story in past tense, stick to it. If you're writing the story in present tense, stick to it. Follow a basic tense pattern; doing so will help the reader to better understand what's going on.

So rule number two: Use correct spelling and grammar.

To sum it all up, I urge you to take time to think about what you'll write and write it properly. Think of it this way: would you publish what you've just written in a paperback novel for people to buy at $9.99? I sincerely hope not. Do your best while writing. Use correct capitalization, correct grammar, correct spelling, and be sure to follow the rules of English. By implementing these tools of grammar, you'll be on your way to writing fantastic fictions.

[nojerom_14]

crap, Deeman took all the words i wanted to scream at you... i was telling you in Computers 9 that it was confusing. listen to Deeman, he makes a lot of sense, Chris. and i'm not saying that because i'm "jealous". dude, i hope my trainer sticks it in your head lol.

[nojerom_14]

you know? i think he should close this thread if he's not going to be doing anything with it, but that's just me.