xehanorts avenger

[Ehud]

i have not done this before annd i have nothing to do.tell me how it is.i wont be offended.


Terra was standing silently.staring off in the distance.then out of the corner of his eye he saw an army of heartless.he stood silently for a few more seconds then got his keyblade and quickley glided to the horde of heartless.

he swung his key and hit 3 shadows.then he just started swinging violently.then ot of know where they all disapeared.after some time he started to walk away,but someone tried freezing him.he lunged backwards avoiding all of the ice.he looked around and saw an unknown hooded man,immeadiatley he charged at him,no thoughts,no cares,just wanting to kill the hooded person.terra had just swung then another hooded man telaported behind him,and said"disapear into darkness"and terra fell into a portal of darkness to somwhere unknown.

terra finaly landed on somthing and began running.somwear along the line he fell again.when he woke up and saw allot of darkness.he thought he was still there but when he sat up he saw a town.a lifless town but none the less a town.then he knew.he was at the world of darkness.

[Jopari]

I'll be honest, but not brutally so. Let's start with the sentence structure.

Your sentences are choppy. You hardly ever make them flow and when you do you only use 'and' or 'but'. Make the sentences flow, don't put a period every time you end a thought. You also need to add some spaces between the sentences. They run together when you don't put them there.

Secondly, work on grammar and spelling. It needs some work and you could probably benefit from running the chapter through a word processor before you post it.

Alright, I'm not going to continue with numbers. Anyway, work on description. Add some thoughts that go through Terra's head and stuff like that. Your writing will become a lot less bland and add some depth to the characters. Adding some dialog would also improve the writing.

Last thing to improve on is chapter length.

I hope you improve and I'll enjoy reading your story.

[Sonja~Soulheart]

weell... capitalization of the beggining of the sentence would be helpful ^^;;; and like jopari said, spaces wouldnt hurt ^^;;; and uhm... still working out the plot in this one so cant really say much ^^;; sorry O:

[Haku]

I think that this has the potential in being a great story, but like what Jopari already stated there are some things that really need to be improved.