 | Re: The Tale of a Villian |  |
July 23rd, 2007, 05:06 PM
|
#31 | | Keyblade Wielder
iloveyou502 is offline
Registered: Jun 2007 Location: Battling my inner demons....and winning thank you very much, sir. Age: 16 Posts: 535 | Re: The Tale of a Villian Quote:
Originally Posted by lightdark Interesting story, I noticed some spelling mistakes but other than that it was pretty good. | How can that be im an EXCELLENT speller. Or atleast I thought I was.... :unsure:
__________________ Lettuce!!! | |
| |  | Re: The Tale of a Villian |  |
July 23rd, 2007, 05:18 PM
|
#32 | | Why I like you
Ultima Star is offline
Registered: Oct 2006 Location: In front of my comp XD Age: 18 Posts: 2,075 | Re: The Tale of a Villian ...I didn't notice any spelling mistakes..or perhaps I need glasses:unsure: *reads back*
__________________ CINQ, the eyes which RISE even in the darkness; if it's NOTpermitted
^me AS long as there are some COLOURSin your icons | |
| |  | Re: The Tale of a Villian |  |
July 23rd, 2007, 10:12 PM
|
#33 | | Member
lightdark is offline
Registered: May 2007 Age: 20 Posts: 105 | Re: The Tale of a Villian Quote:
Originally Posted by iloveyou502 How can that be im an EXCELLENT speller. Or atleast I thought I was.... :unsure: | I think you just left some letters out, it wasn’t even that noticeable anyway. Quote: |
But soon, I don't know when it happened | Quote: |
For the next three weeks or so everything was fine and normal.
| Thought I'd just mention it in case you might want to go back and correct it. :) | |
| |  | Re: The Tale of a Villian |  |
July 23rd, 2007, 10:14 PM
|
#34 | | Keyblade Wielder
iloveyou502 is offline
Registered: Jun 2007 Location: Battling my inner demons....and winning thank you very much, sir. Age: 16 Posts: 535 | Re: The Tale of a Villian Yeah thanks man or girl or whatever you are I keep getting the Ima girl! things so...whatever.
__________________ Lettuce!!! | |
| |  | Re: The Tale of a Villian |  |
July 23rd, 2007, 10:19 PM
|
#35 | | is a girl
snowdog is offline
Registered: Mar 2006 Location: n. 1. a place of settlement, activity, or residence; 2. a place or situation occupied Age: 20 Posts: 5,441 | Re: The Tale of a Villian It's very... rushed. It's entertaining, but there's a little lack of grammar, and a few spelling mistakes.
We need to know how they're feeling, what places look like. Just a whole lot more description.
Keep writing. <3
__________________ Is this living
Or just existence? | |
| |  | Re: The Tale of a Villian |  |
July 24th, 2007, 01:51 AM
|
#36 | | Why I like you
Ultima Star is offline
Registered: Oct 2006 Location: In front of my comp XD Age: 18 Posts: 2,075 | Re: The Tale of a Villian You have a point there snow.
Um..when are you writing the next chapter Iloveyou502?
__________________ CINQ, the eyes which RISE even in the darkness; if it's NOTpermitted
^me AS long as there are some COLOURSin your icons | |
| |  | Re: The Tale of a Villian |  |
July 24th, 2007, 01:54 AM
|
#37 | | haruhi isn't amused
Haku is offline
Registered: Mar 2007 Posts: 8,291 | Re: The Tale of a Villian Yeah I would really like to know how the next one turns out but don't rush writing it though because that about 100% of the time leads to mistakes.
__________________ By:Xidon | |
| |  | Re: The Tale of a Villian |  |
July 25th, 2007, 05:37 PM
|
#38 | | Keyblade Wielder
iloveyou502 is offline
Registered: Jun 2007 Location: Battling my inner demons....and winning thank you very much, sir. Age: 16 Posts: 535 | Re: The Tale of a Villian Snowdog was way correct this story starves for details. Im working on that. I dont know when the next part is I dont want to give you a date and then not do it and be like " Oh Im so sorry " with excuses and stuff but Ill work on it today now that I know there is some demand.
__________________ Lettuce!!! | |
| |  | Re: The Tale of a Villian |  |
July 25th, 2007, 06:38 PM
|
#39 | | Why I like you
Ultima Star is offline
Registered: Oct 2006 Location: In front of my comp XD Age: 18 Posts: 2,075 | Re: The Tale of a Villian Ok then take your time then^^;
__________________ CINQ, the eyes which RISE even in the darkness; if it's NOTpermitted
^me AS long as there are some COLOURSin your icons | |
| |  | Re: The Tale of a Villian |  |
July 26th, 2007, 04:11 PM
|
#40 | | Keyblade Wielder
iloveyou502 is offline
Registered: Jun 2007 Location: Battling my inner demons....and winning thank you very much, sir. Age: 16 Posts: 535 | Re: The Tale of a Villian Sorry people I had to copy and paste this time because my comps been acting up and it logs me off at random moments. That sucks. Yeah.
_____________________________________________________________________________________ Part Four The first unusual thing that happend was that Gabriel started hanging out with these weird people. At first I thought nothing of them, thinking of them as just friends. But as they started coming around more and more, there was something dark and cold about them. The day before Drea's twelth birthday was my first time meeting one.
I had come in from having lunch with Drea, Gabe and his new friend were talking in our room. I knew something was up because all conversation halted when I walked into the room. Gabe knew that I never listened to what he and his friends talked about so he was never hesitant about speaking around me, however this was different.
I laid my bag on the floor and looked up to see both of them staring at me. Gabe's friend gave him a simple nod and he spoke immediately.
" Um, this is my little brother Cassidy. Cassidy this is my friend Serpent. " If there were one word to describe Serpent it was intimidating. Although he appeared to be no older than sixteen, he was very tall and he had black markings on his body that covered every inch of skin I could see, except they stopped at the top of his neck. He had shoulder length jet black hair and black eyes that looked at me coldly. He was the palest guy I had ever seen.
" Hi. " I said nervously I couldn't think of anything else. He didn't say anything back to me he just continued to stare at me looking me up and down about three times before turning back to Gabe.
" I think we're finished here. " He said in a deep voice and Gabe nodded. His black eyes pierced my green ones one last time before he walked out the door and out of the house. Somehow his footsteps couldn't be heard nor the front door opening and closing.
" Wow. He was scary." I said.
" Shut up. " Gabriel snapped coldly.
" Well excuse me. " I said sarcastically.
" I suggest you not make fun of him Cassidy. "
I resisted the urge to make another sarcastic remark. I didn't feel like arguing that day.
Gabe also had a black friend like Serpent, whose name was Vergil. Vergil had long dredlocks that nearly reached the middle of his back. Vergil had the same black markings all over his body, but he wasn't nearly as tall as Serpent. Actually he was quite short, shorter than me not that I was short. Another major difference was that Vergil's eyes were hazel, like Drea's. He carried the same mean attitude as Serpent though.
Another weird thing was Drea. Sometimes when we were talking she would completely stop listening to me, or even talking herself, and stare out into space.
" Drea? Drea? " I found myself trying to get back her attention yet again one day while we were sitting by the pond. " Are you there? "
" Huh? Oh yeah. Mom's roast is totally gross--"
" Are you alright? " I asked her.
" What do you mean, Cassidy? "
" Ever since your birthday you've been acting strange. Like I can't keep your attention. Am I boring you or something?"
She leaned in close to me and her long, wavy dark hair fell around her face. " Of course you're not boring me." She gave me a quick kiss on the lips, but I was still unsure.
" Why do you keep spacing out like that? "
She sighed a heavy sigh and looked at the ground. " Something's wrong."
" What? " I sat up and took her hand.
She fingered lace trim of her yellow dress before answering. " It's my dad, he's started treating my mother very badly. He...even hits her sometimes. "
I couldn't believe my ears. Mr. Cutler had always been pleasant to me. More pleasant than he was to Drea, which I questioned. But then again he was never mean to his daughter but just a little detached you could say. But no matter how he was I would have put abusing his wife past him anyday.
" Is he hurting you too? "
" No, no. Just ignoring me. Like always. He really wanted a boy you know. "
I nodded.
She sighed again. " They're just...always fighting you know? They used to get along I don't know what's happend lately. " Her eyes started to water.
I took her into my arms. " It's okay. It has nothing to do with you. "
" But Cassidy I think it might--"
" No it doesn't. " I said firmly. This was the first time I had ever seen Drea cry, and about what? Her parents! The people who seemed not to care about what she did or what happend to her. We sat there for about an hour, her sobbing and me reassuring her that it was going to be okay and that I wouldn't let anything happen to her.
In the weeks that followed however, something strange seemed to be happening to Gabriel. He was getting cold, just like his new friends. Everytime I asked him something he'd snap something mean like " None of your business." or " Stop asking me stupid ass questions. " Even when it was something simple like when his next ballgame was. He was swearing alot too. Like in every sentence eventually.
Eventually, I wasn't to even walk into the room if he was talking with Serpent or Vergil. Sometimes I would end up sitting on the couch for hours at a time because he had the door closed and I knew that there could be a potential fight if I opened it. I told Drea about him.
" Maybe it's just a phase, " She said throwing out an excuse faster than usual. She seemed to get a little touchy when ever I spoke on the topic of Gabe and his friends. " He'll be back to his old self in a few weeks probably. " But even she sounded unsure of herself. This made me suspicious.
" Do you know something? About Gabriel, I mean? "
" No why would I? "
" I don't know. Maybe because you two have been having alot more of your little talks that you won't tell me about."
" They don't matter, Cassidy. "
" They do matter! Or else you'd tell me what they're about!"
" How many times do we have to have this talk? "
By then I was just frustrated and angry with her. I hopped up and paced, balling my fists up. " You know something, I know you do. "She got up as well.
" Do you really want to know what our talks are about Cass? "
" Yes!" I snapped, throwing my arms up dramatically.
" Alright I'll tell you then. Just don't expect details. Gabriel wants me to do a service for him. "
" What kind of--"
" I told you no details. "
" What was even the point in telling me then? " I said loudly. She was pissing me off more than she had ever in the few years I'd known her. " What service could a little girl who just turned twelve do for him? "
" It's better if you don't know. "
" But why? " I asked dramatically.
" Because it just is! " she screamed and she started running back through the woods towards her cottage.
I called after her but it was no use. My anger turned to sadness at the fact that Drea was angry with me. My mind started to wonder. What if she never spoke to me again? Had I made her that angry? I hoped that she wasn't crying about what I'd done because it made me even sadder to think about her tears.
I sat down and stared into the water. " I'm sorry Drea." I mumbled pathetically. " I didn't mean to hurt you." And then I started to cry. Not sobbing, not even making a sound but tears silently flowed down my cheeks for what seemed like hours.
How could I have fallen so hard for her?
_____________________________________________________________________________________ Ech! I swear I will never read that ending again it was so cheesy and dramatic. And yes it was supposed to be overly dramatic because Cassidy's a dramatic person, when it comes to Drea atleast. I did enjoy writing that part. I hope it was more descriptive without being boring.
__________________ Lettuce!!! | |
| |  | Re: The Tale of a Villian |  |
July 27th, 2007, 03:11 AM
|
#41 | | Why I like you
Ultima Star is offline
Registered: Oct 2006 Location: In front of my comp XD Age: 18 Posts: 2,075 | Re: The Tale of a Villian I'm late..:cry: that was beautiful too..Cassidy it's such a great character OMG..I love him =D
__________________ CINQ, the eyes which RISE even in the darkness; if it's NOTpermitted
^me AS long as there are some COLOURSin your icons | |
| |  | Re: The Tale of a Villian |  |
July 27th, 2007, 04:41 AM
|
#42 | | haruhi isn't amused
Haku is offline
Registered: Mar 2007 Posts: 8,291 | Re: The Tale of a Villian This chapter was alright it was a bit of an improvement from the other, but nevertheless I look forward into seeing more.
__________________ By:Xidon | |
| |  | Re: The Tale of a Villian |  |
July 27th, 2007, 01:30 PM
|
#43 | | A.K.A. Jemxas
ansemjafar is offline
Registered: May 2004 Location: Maple Shade: A small town in NJ Age: 26 Posts: 7,109 | Re: The Tale of a Villian I enjoyed the chapter. Keep up the good work. | |
| |  | Re: The Tale of a Villian |  |
July 27th, 2007, 10:30 PM
|
#44 | | Sidekick
Hikari713 is offline
Registered: Jan 2007 Location: Hiding. Who ever finds me first gets a cookie! Age: 17 Posts: 356 | Re: The Tale of a Villian Great job i didn't find it cheesy its getting interesting!!!! Can't wait for the next chappie
__________________ We all try to be somebody but the world around us makes it so cloudy
When we all trust where we're supposed to but the blood on their hands says we're not close to
The answer yet but maybe if we pulled together we could change a million lives for the better
And maybe if we prayed a little more we would stop livin' in fear of the storm | |
| |  | Re: The Tale of a Villian |  |
August 5th, 2007, 05:11 AM
|
#45 | | You Swear To Listen
TheLastKnight is offline
Registered: Apr 2007 Age: 17 Posts: 2,253 | Re: The Tale of a Villian pure awesomeness, Just lengthen it a little
__________________
Check out my new Fan Fiction! | |
| | | Thread Tools | | | | Display Modes | Linear Mode |
Posting Rules
| You may not post new threads You may not post replies You may not post attachments You may not edit your posts HTML code is Off | | | All times are GMT +1. The time now is 02:02 PM.
| |