An extract from my story that I'd very much appreciate opinions on.

[Ichi TK]

This is the latest bit which I've pinged off in my lunch and breaks at work. It's by no means perfect, which is why I'd like and criticisms. Even spellings and punctuation, as I've not proof-read this myself yet. I'll make adjustments as they're suggested if the seem suitable. Thanks in advance to anyone who hepls out.

***

"This is what you came to do isn't it? To kill me here and stop my plan? I beg you to stop me. But of course you understand that I can't just let you. You'll have to make me!"

***

It was a dreadful night out. Seig sat in his favourite chair and stared mindlessly out of the window. The cold rain beat down relentlessly and noisily against the glass. There wasn't a glimmer of light out due to the great density of the cloud cover. Seig could tell that this unnaturally harsh weather was not the work of the elements alone. He pulled on his thickest coat, toughest gloves and most waterproof boots and headed out into the intense storm. The last time he did this he had found Hayden, bloody and unconscious, face down in the rain. Could the same thing be happenning tonight? Seig went to look for someone in need.

He had only the dim glow of his lantern, but continued to search for the lost soul in the storm. He could tell someone was out here, and it was more obvious that they were in danger. He walked through the mud and water until his candle withered into nothing and decided to head back for another. As he did, though, another light appeared, much brighter than his own. Curiosity overtaking him, Seig quickly went to it to meet the owner, who may have been who he had been looking for. The light got closer.

The figure with the bright light came into focus. A tall, elegant man, not holding a lantern, but a flame. A naked flame in incredible rainfall. Seig recognises this power than man wielded, that of the god. Humans are allowed only a taste, but this man was flaunting his energy, having more than his fair share. Only a few families had gods hand bestowed on them, and this man hailed from one. He paid no attenetion to Seig as he approached.
"What're you doing out in this hell's rain?" Seig shouted over the thunder of water pounding the wet ground. The man looked at Seig. He said with his pale and thin lips;
"I am looking for somebody, my friend." He stopped producing his flame and took out a stone from his pocket, it glowed brilliantly, "If you have no way to find a path without light, you may take this. I can't have other people interfering tonight."
The man had a sinister calm and politeness that made Seig uneasy, especially as the man was not even wet. His clothes were bone dry and nowhere near enough to keep him warm, but he was completely unphased. What he said only aroused Seig's suspicion of him more.
"Haven't seen you around here before. Just who are you? And exactly what would it be that I would be interfering with?"
The elegant man sighed. "My business is my own, and you are not a part of it. Please leave me to my way. I do not wish to threaten you."
Seig glared at this stranger who had invaded his homeplace and started ordering him about. "You probably wan to go back where you came from, it's rough round here, you might get hurt." he took the stone from the man's still outreached hand and went back for another candle. It was only much later Seig realised he didn't need candles for his lantern now that he had the glowing stone, but by that time he was almost back home anyway.
His door was open. Not just unlocked, but wide open. There were no lights on inside and the fire had gone out. Sieg got to the door and saw wet boot prints coming into his home and down into his cellar. It would seem that this person in his home didn't care about the footprints, being found and that it was someone else's home, and Seig naturally assumed it was that arrogant stranger he met on the plains. He took his dagger, tucked it in his clothes and crept down the stone stairs. He prepared himself to face the man. Seig knew this could easily become a very bad situation is he didn't get get the jump on the man before he could call any enchantments. Seig had a strategy meeting with himself in his head.
"How am I going to do this? Should I try and sneak up behind him? Or would I be too vulnerable? If he noticed me before I realised it I'd be done for. Should I just charge in and stick him to the wall before he has a chance to do anything at all? Am I fast enough? Of course I am, I know my own place perfectly, too. He doesn't have a hope. All Right." Meeting over. He kicked open the door,
He shouted to the man, "Here I-" seig saw who was in the room, "-girl?"
There was a girl in the corner of the room, soaking wet and shivering violently. She whimpered as Seig came closer.
"Hey, I'm sorry I scared you." He said, but she shuffled away as he came closer. "Why are you in my cellar anyway?"
She looked up at Seig from the corner of the room. "He... he's after us. He's outside, I know he's outside, he's going to get me next, I know he's outside." She kept on muttering the same words until Seig came and sat next to her. She jumped a little, but didn't move away this time. She looked at his face and he looked back.
"If someone's after you, I'll help you. It's what I do. I'll lock this place up tight and you can relax for a while."
The girl looked to be smiling a little and nodded. "Thanks you."
"OK. You wait while I go shut the cold out up there. Then you come and sit up with me, I'll get the fire started. I'll get you some dry clothes and things."
She smiled a little more, "Thank you."
Seig looked embarrassed, "Once is more than enough, miss. I'm Seig, philanthro-"
"I'm Tristram." she interrupted. Seig didn't mind his big introduction was spoiled, he'd just try again later. Seig went back up the stairs and shut his doors. He threw some rags on the wet patches (not being one to ever wash his home too thoroughly), He lit up the fire and fetched down some clothes for the girl. He went back down to her.
"OK, it's all set up here. I'll just start-"
"He'll come back for me. I should go. I'm putting you in danger, too." She got up and started for the door.
Seig didn't move from her path, "I'm not someone scared by danger. do you know who I had chained up in here yesterday?"
Tristram avoided his eyes and shook her head.
"I'll tell you when you get dried up. Shaking your head like that gets water everywhere." He took her hand gently up to the fire place. "You can get changed here. I have to start bracing the other parts of the house for danger. You'll hear me knocking in nails and things so you'll know I'm not spying on you."
"I, I wouldn't think that!" She quickly said, a little annoyed that he'd assume her mistrust.
"Alrighty, but I still have to do it. Just give me a shout when you're done." Seig went upstairs to strengthen his home and started thinking to himself. "It's got to be that mage from earlier. He seems the type to pick on teenage girls. But he's powerful. He must be to so easily make that flame. Most would struggle on a hot day. He's going to come here and find her. Maybe I should... no, I'm protecting her. I owe everyone good. I'll defend everyone from the evil. No matter what the expense. and it'll be fun just to piss that guy off." He chuckled to himself.
"Mr. Seig, I'm all done, now."
"Who? You're hurting my ears. I'm not much older than you. No, 'Mr.', ok?"
"Um... ok." she replied as he came back to her.
"Take a seat down here. It's warm, you've nothing to worry about right now." he told her.
They sat for a short while quietly. The gentle flames gathered around the logs in the stone fireplace. Tristram sank into her chair and dug herself into the unnecessary amount of cushions Seig kept on them. The rain was still thrashing against the windows, but Tristram didn't mind, she was out of it now. Seig got up after a few minutes and went to his windows and nailed wood across them.
"To be safe." he explained.
"Um..." she started awkwardly, "who was it you captured then?"
Seig smiled. The conversation was once more on him. "I had one of The Kindred."
Tristram was visibly shocked. she gripped her chair tightly. "He's... not still here, is he?"
Seig continued with the next window, "What? No. He ran away the first chance he got. He tried to fob me off with some story about being a traveller, but I knew who he was."
"You did? Who was he? Was he scary?"
"Scary? Yeah, right. He didn't even remember who he was, he was completely oblivious to who he had been. I take it you've heard of The Kindred and that crazy leader they have. This one who was here was one of his top generals. He probably remembers he used to be with them, but he doesn't know much else." He went to the door and put a beam across the handles so it wouldn't open from the outside.
"Did he tell you all this?"
Seig laughed at the very idea, "He barely said two words. I just know from the way he carried himself. And from the fact that I'd met him before a few years ago. He didn't remember that part though." He picked up Tristram's wet clothes and put them over the back of a chair. He looked back at his hands. There was blood on them. There was blood on Tristram's wet cloak, he hadn't seen it in the dark.
"Where did you know him from?" Seig turned and faced her. He showed her his hands.
"Is this yours? Were you hurt out..." Seig trailed off, his ears pricked up, "did you hear that, too?"
Tristram nodded. She froze with terror, "He's come for me!"
"Get up the stairs, quickly. There's the strongest room up there, and there's a window so you can escape if I can't handle him."
"But you captured one of The Kindred, didn't you? A God Hand Mage shouldn't be bad for you..."
"I didn't say I ever fought him, did I? You just get safe, I'll protect you."
Tristram started up the stairs. "Thank you." she told him again.
Sieg picked up another beam and took it to the door. "I told you, once is-"
The door was blown clear off it's hinges in a fury of light and heat. All the rain around was turned to steam. Sieg was thrown to the other side of the room.
A figure stepped through the door, enshrouded in the haze of the steam. He came closer to Seig.
"You. I told you to keep out of this, did I not?" The man smirked at Sieg, almost pleased that his warning had gone unheeded.
Sieg smirked a larger smirk back. "And I told you it's rough round here... did I not?" he looked in Tristram's direction and mouthed 'run'.
The man laughed, "Was that supposed to be a threat? I find that most amusing."
"I did warn you..." Seig continued.
"What? Be quiet, you. Do you even know what that girl you're protecting is?"
"I told you you might get-" Seig drew the dagger he still had from it's hiding place, "-HURT!" He lunged at the man's neck with every intent of defending Tristram, no matter what.
The man shifted his footing and Sieg only grazed the bridge of the man's nose.
"Impudent little-"
"YOU WON'T WIN!" Seig attacked again, quicker and with greater ferocity. He brought his blade down wards this time, and sunk it deep into the man's left shoulder. Not quick enough to move, the man came to his knees. Seig drew the knife out again, backed away and went to check on Tristram.
He ran up the stairs to the room she had gone to. The window was open and she was just climbing out.
"You're ok!" she gasped, "Did you kill him?"
"No," he replied, "I'm not the type. Now hurry, he could be up here soon."
Tristram scrambled down the rope down to the ground. The rain was still coming down hard. She let go of the rope too soon and she started bleeding again fro her wound. She looked up to Seig who was leant over the window watching her.
"Keep running. Don't stop. I'll get you as much time as I can."
"What? I'm not letting you do that. Run with me. I'm coming back up to help you."
"No you ain't." Seig took the dagger back out and cut the rope, "Just run. Get away from here. There are some caverns in the hill over that way-" Seig pointed them out, "hide in there. Don't trust anyone suspicious, and don't forget to tell them about me!"
Tristram glared at Seig for a second before running into the night, leaving a small trail of blood behind her.
Seig sighed in relief.
"You shall pay dearly for your graceless conduct." The elegant man had appeared at the top of the stairs.
Seig held his dagger in front of him and readied himself, smiling at the challenge.
"Is it out of courage and valour you point that at me? Or is it foolishness and ignorance?" His pale face laced in calm fury. His thin lips expressing every syllable with a truly wicked and malicious vigour.
Seig continued to smile, "It was that fancy talk that made you lose last time. I'd keep my mouth if I were you."
"Very well then. If you know not what it is you face, you shall be educated." He shut his eyes, held his arms out at his sides and began muttering.
Seig ran at him before he could finish the enchantment, he jumped for the chest this time, but by the time he had reached where the man was standing, he'd vanished. Sieg spun around and the man reappeared near the window.
"Ah, I see the young witch is escaping. I would have killed her by now if it weren't for you." He turned back around to Seig, "This is your punishment," he held his hand over some wooden stakes broken from the door. They floated up to the point where they were just under his fingers. Seig's eyes widened. It was too late to move. He had to just brace himself. The man gestured his hand forwards and the stakes flew at Seig, they pierced his chest. He fell back wards and hit the wall by the door.
"I take my leave of this place." the man said arrogantly and strode toward the door, but as he got there he found himself unable to go any further. His leg would not move. He looked down to see a piercing cut and a dagger coming out of it, and on the handle of the dagger was Seig, coughing blood and trying to speak.
The man narrowed his harsh gaze onto Seig, "You persistent cur. You may have survived if you weren't so thick-headed. You shall truly suffer."
"Looking forward to it," Seig jammed the dagger into the man's foot, "but I won't make it easy."

A couple of notes though.
1) The first couple of lines are relating to a different section, not this one.
2) All characers in this section have already been introduced in prior sections, which is why I didn't go into great detail with them here.
3) As well as criticisms, I'd also liek to know what is good about it... if anything=\
4) This is not a fan fiction of any kind
EDIT 5) I just gave it a quick once-over proof read

[Chariot of Fire]

Very nice story so far. The plot is exciting, it starts in a good place, although a little further introduction would help. The idea is great though, and very intriguing indeed.

Grammar is very nice overall, a couple of stray capitals or lowercase here and there but otherwise it is good. Keep it up!

PS. Your sig is done if you check your PM's

[bond of flames]

whoa!its awesome
u should make it a fan fic
i think its really good.

[Ichi TK]

*glomps you both in great appreciation for the support*
I wrote it in notepad, so spelling and grammar check are diffcult.
I was questioning myself if I was actually any good at all writing but you both have just made my smile lots.

And I lub my sig, cyberseraph. I'll rep you tomorrow. I used mine already today before checking my PMs[/dumb]

[bond of flames]

so, are we gonna see more of this?or was this a "check to see if its good" thing?

[Ichi TK]

It was a "check to see if its good" thing and if I feel confident enough, then I'll put up more. I may also be able to dig up the previous sections.

[Sonja~Soulheart]

whoa...cool story but i don't get the story's line i'll read more when you post some continueations ok? I'm a newbie here in this forum so im sayin...uh... hi i guess ^_^ but really cool story

[Ichi TK]

This is actually the 6th part of my story. I'll get cracking on putting the rest up now. It may take a while, as I only have hard copies and not files. Gives me a chance to make slight improvements anyway.

[bond of flames]

ok.tell us when its up plz!

[Ichi TK]

I'm putting the 1st section in the forum now.

[bond of flames]

yay!
im just gonna use the link in ur sig

[Ichi TK]

That's what it's there for. I should probably put them all in the same thread...