The Keyblade War

[Shinji]

Chapter One

Three ironclad keybladers stood at a crossroad which was formed by millions and millions of keyblades. They apparently knew each other and holding thier keyblades reached the crossroad's intersection and picked up three keyblades waiting for each of them. Each wielding two keyblades, examined the ones they had just found. It brought back memories and they remembered that these were the ones that they had passed down to the new wielders but what were they doing here? one of the ironclad keybladers was a female and the other two were male. One male wearing a grey armour and the other wearing a black armour. They waited for the person who had called them all to this place. Suddenly a shadow emerged from the distance. As it got closer they came to realize it was him, the person who they defeated in war a long time ago. The man wore a cloak and finally halted in front of them. "I have regained my memories". He said, pausing for an answer but did not get one. He then continued "I remember now about our little war". "What do you want?". The grey armoured figure said. "I want to know who the true Keybalde Master is, thats what i want". He said followed by a set of hysterical laughters. "We have been through this already and you paid a heavy price for losing". The grey armoured figure said. "But now i am ready to fight once more and become the true Keyblade master after wiping the rest!" The cloaked figure laughed.

working on chapter 2 please leave comments its my first fan fic.

[Hip-Hop]

It's okay, just BE MORE DESRCIPTIVE! I'm not saying desribe every little thing just like dont do stuff like "it was hot" say "The sun was beaming down upon the iron clad warriors, who were becoming scorching hot and sweating inside their armor." other than that it was good, I give a 6/10.

[Shinji]

thank you for ur comment here is the next chapter

Chapter Two

"How can you wipe us?" the grey armoured said."Yeah, you have tried before and failed, as a result losing your memories". The female said."Ahh! but you see I have grown stronger overtime".The hooded figure replied, and then snapped his finger.Just then a black creature appeared out of the ground. It was moving in an odd manner ,slouching left and right as it walked to its master's side." Where did you learn to controll the heartless?" The grey armoured figure said, and for the first time he had a trace of fear in his voice."That is none of your buisness, but as you can see now I am stronger then ever to take you on once more" He said with a hint of menace in his voice." Forget it! we are not wasting our time with you" The grey armoured said "Lets go we have work to do" He said once more as he turned to the others."I know, lets go" The female said and started to walk away. The others joined her and after going a fairly long way, a cold voice came drifting towards them "I would not do that if i were you" The hooded man said. He then snapped once more and a cage appeared besides him. Behind its shiny metal bars laid a a girl who looked as if she were 16, with red hair and pink clothes she lay there as if she were knocked out. Lying next to her was a boy about the same age with brown spiky hair and a black outfit. Both knocked out lay there motionless. The ironclad keybladers turned around and looked in shock as they saw who they were. The grey armoured and the female Keyblade Wielders ran towards the hooded figure with amazing speed. They left a cloud of dry sand behind them as thay ran towards the cage. The dry barren desert scorching them with immense heat but they kept on running with amazing agility, as the grey armoured keyblader just stood and watched them. Upon reaching the hooded man the two companions raised thier weapon but the black creature came in front of its master trying to defend him from harm. As soon as they sliced the heartless who was blocking thier path, millions and millions of identical creatures appeared and were ready to fight the two fierce opponents. The grey armoured, upon seeing all this from a distance instead of running by thier side, calmly walked away from the swarm of heartless never looking back.

I hope this one is better.

[Hip-Hop]

ok, two things. 1) paragraph your phrases when you change speaker. for example, "How can you wipe us?" the armoured figure said.
"Yeah, you have tried before and failed. Losing your memoires as a result," said the female. your getting better though, keep at it! :^).

[Karate]

I didn't read your story, but don't you think you should change the title? I mean, there is another fic by the exact same name. In fact I decided to pick it back up a week ago. Can you just change the name please?

[Shadukai X]

Yes, please re-create this thread, and give it a new title, it'll confuse those trying to read the other fic

Otherwise good story so far, just give each character's line a new paragraph

[Sora's minion]

i like where the story's going but i agree with the others fix the paragraphs and be more discriptive. otherwise its a great story!

[Takushi Rena]

I'm gonna close this thread until you can give your story a new title and take in everyone's advice to make it more descriptive, give it more paragraphs, and the like. Remember to use new words and use a dictionary to make your story more descriptive and vibrant!

Just PM me when you fix this stuff, kay? :3 I'll reopen it then if you take in their advice!

-closes-