Shadow of Hearts - Page 2

lv_kh0720 · March 31st, 2006, 07:21 AM

so sura is you....(just wanna ask....are you a boy? :D no you don't need to answer if you don't want to...)
i want the soul eater! (if it's really for your three new characters :D)

212 · March 31st, 2006, 09:03 PM

I am a boy and yes you own the soul eater.:D

212 · April 3rd, 2006, 10:40 PM

sorry to double post
please REVIEW!!!!:D

Gamergirl89 · April 4th, 2006, 12:26 AM

uhh question:
so when ru gonna update?

212 · April 4th, 2006, 02:10 AM

maybe today......i dunno.....now

King_Mickey1000 · April 4th, 2006, 11:25 PM

Sweet story =D

EDIT:Sweet I'm in the story =D

212 · April 5th, 2006, 03:16 AM

Cool!!! You like fic?:D:D

witchprincess · April 5th, 2006, 09:05 PM

So far pretty good. But I'm it'd be nicer if there was another update to also read.
( :) I like! so keep going)

Thelonepickle · April 6th, 2006, 01:11 AM

I don't like this at all.

You need to work on grammar and spelling. Your storyline seems to be a little... How you say... UNORIGINAL. WITH A CAPITAL UN.

>_>

This needs a lot of work. It's so hard to get through one "chapter", if you can call it that. It's only, like, a paragraph long!

Fix it.

212 · April 6th, 2006, 01:14 AM

Ok........I will try.:o

Katattack · April 6th, 2006, 01:18 AM

Soul Eater is not a keyblade.

It's a sword.

This is so packed full of Mary Sues, it's not even funny. You really need to get your grammar skills up to par, kid.

Gamergirl89 · April 6th, 2006, 01:28 AM

^^^yea i gotta agree wit them on that. like i said in my 1st post, use microsoft word when wrtitng ur chapters
and since it doesn't seem like ur writing anything now i suggest u take ur 2 chpaters and go fix them then u might be able to crank out another chapter ;-)

212 · April 6th, 2006, 03:03 AM

I diid but when I copy them they mess up the indention.I tried to fix first two chappies.......:o

212 · April 6th, 2006, 10:29 PM

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Chapter 3: Recovery Area
The party arrived in Traverse Town. The area seemed as if we departed in a deserted place. We saw what looked to be a tall man. In his hand was a gun that looked like a sword. An enormous black monster stood across from him. The man had a lot of scars on his body. Alicia shouted “He is in danger…..we’ve got to help.” We rushed towards the battle-scarred man. The huge black monster was destroying the man. We finally reached him. He softly spoke “You look like ….him. WATCH OUT!!!” I blacked out …..”Where are we?” I said not remembering anything. “We are at a hospital. The heartless knocked you out cold.” Wayne said to me. “Kiari is in DANGER and I am in a hospital?!” I shouted. “Relax Sura you’re too hurt to be active.” Charles told me. ”If it wasn’t for Leon you would be dead.” Laura said. “You mean him?!” I said
“Hey you take this. Here you need this more than I do.” The man called Leon said. He gave me a crown shaped keychain. He asked the crew “Do you want me to show you all around town?” The party said “Of course we do. What about Sura?” “He can hold his own, I know that.” Wayne said. They left the hospital and walked into town. Alicia said “I will let you know if anything happens.” As soon as they left a note appeared on my bed, it read “Good job your soul has resonated with Leon’s soul. Your work here is done. I will be waiting for you outside.” I stood up. I felt better than before. My Oathkeeper keyblade altered its form as soon as I attached the chain Leon gave me. It changed into a Lion-shaped blade.
I went outside to relax. A black hooded man attacked me. “What do you want?!” I asked. “I want to test your strength.” He said. I ran up to him and slashed the keyblade. “Good job Sura.” He faded away before I got to him. The crew came and sat down. “I knew you would recover. I had faith in you Sura.” Leon said to me. It is time to go back to Royal Road. We boarded the ship. “Goodbye Sura. I know I will see you again.” Leon said. “I will see you too Leon.” I replied back."Sura I think Leon mistaked you for someone else." Charles said to me. "I had that feeling he mistaked me for my brother.....Sora." We progressed on. We arrive at Royal Road only to find our area destroyed. A huge heartless was awaiting our arrival. “Team we’ve got a battle on our hands…..”:D

Knbrix · April 6th, 2006, 10:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sora212

sorry to double post
please REVIEW!!!!:D

Okay, you've double and triple posted like... 5 times since you've wrote this. What the heck?! You know, there's a little thing called the "edit" button yah know!

I still agree with everyone else on it. Your chappies are way too short and your spelling and grammar haven't been doing that well... Also the fight seem didn't seem like a fight. You just put. "They fighted." or something like that. Details would be nice! And also meeting with characters. It's too brief and they act like they were friends forever. As well as quoting,"You look just like him", in it was a little cheesy I might add. Also, I would have to say it's very, ahem... As one said. "UNORIGINAL with a capital un." Seriously. Kiari. Sura. It's a little too similar. Also the worlds. Sorry. This is something you would really need to work on. Though at least you have fans... Why don't I have fans?:confused: