We'll Learn Together

[TwilightRiku_13]

Another funny chapter, Glos-Peach. My favorite parts was when Luxord was teaching the English class (he does seem like the type of person who gets drunk in the morning) and when Xigbar and that kid were talking while he was cleaning (Xemnas would make Xigbar the janitor). I also liked the fight between Demyx and Roxas and the reactions of the students in the math class; that Mike guy seems crazy. Anyway, great job, and I look forward to more.

[Lanydx reborn]

HA HA HA HA!! The end is great.

[Coldman9]

Great chapter Peach. Can't wait for the next one.

[Glos-Peach]

hehe thanks guys, I guess I'll continue it.

[Glos-Peach]

Chapter 4: Passing the limits

Period 2: Math

The moment she heard the bell, Xion grabbed her bag and ran out of the room.

"Your cousin is weird…" Selphie said

"She is just shy"

"But you saw how she ran..? She must be really hungry"

Kairi sighed "To the cafeteria"

Period 2: English

"HAHAHA! So you sent my Replica after Zexion?"

"Yup. Man you had to see Zexion's face, it was priceless!" Axel said as Riku laughed.

Axel and Riku, while Luxord told the kids more information about British which he got from the TV, found out they have a lot in common. They weren't friends yet, but they did become much closer to each other… Totally gay.

The bell rang and everyone left the room.

Period 2: Art

"Roxas! There is a mp4 player next to Namine's big head!!"

Roxas let go of the crayon and took the picture in his hand "Oh…"

The bell rang and everyone headed to the cafeteria.

Cafeteria

"Hey, dread lock man, give me fries!"

Xaldin growled as he served the food.

Sora and Kairi already got their meals and sat next to a table.

"That Xion girl—" Sora said as he took a bite out of his sandwich "did you see how she ran the moment the bell rang? She is suspicious"

"Hey! That Xion girl is my friend" Roxas and Namine joined the table.

"How was your day so far?" Kairi asked

"Awesome! I had a crayon fight with Demyx!"

"Huh why?" Sora asked

"Long story"

"No it's not" Namine pointed out

"Eat your grapes, Namine"

At the same place

"Hey, dread lock man, give me fries!" Axel yelled

"Axel…" Xaldin narrowed his eyes

Axel took his plate and sat by himself at a table. Soon Larxene joined.

"So now what?"

"We just go on with the day" Axel said

"Boring!"

"Hey, what do you think Xemnas is planning?"

"I don't know, but he is obviously up to something"

"Hey!" Demyx and Zexion joined

"Hello"

"How was your day?" Larxene asked

"Awesome!"

Zexion rolled his eyes

Sora's table

Sora couldn't take his eyes out of the Nobodies. "Look at those four. They are obviously planning something"

"Sora…" Kairi sighed

Riku came in and sat next to Namine. "So, how was the first day, guys?"

"It was okay. We were with Demyx and Zexion at the same class. It was kind of fun. Until Demyx draw my big head and a little mp3—"

"Mp4!!!!" Demyx shouted from the other table

"Mp4 player next to it, so Roxas got him all wrong and they started a crayon fight over me, which eventually made me fell on Zexion"

Riku blinked "I was about to say that Axel is fine… But your story is much better"

"Ha ah!" Roxas jumped "So you confess he is a good guy!"

Riku shrugged "He is fine"

"Well, Sora and I were with Xion at the same class. I told everyone she is also my cousin, because they had annoying questions"

"That's a good idea" Riku said

"Where is she anyway?" Roxas asked

At the same place… Again

"What would you like--? Oh, hi Xion"

"Hello Xaldin. How are you?"

"Fine I guess. What would you like?"

"Umm…Nothing. I'm not hungry" she said and left

"Hey Xion! Over here!" Demyx yelled

Xion turned around, smiled and sat next to them "Hi guys"

"How was your day?" Larxene asked

"Boring!"

"Tell me about it!"

Marluxia joined the table and sat next to Larxene "Hello everyone" he flipped his hair.

"Weren't you supposed to be at the same class with Axel and me?"

"I was busy doing stuff"

"Like…?"

Flashback

Marluxia decided. He will enter the men's toilet!

He looked at his hands. "Skin… I have skin… Alright"

He looked at the mirror and organized his hair.

End flashback

"You were busy with your hair for two hours?!" Larxene yelled

"Typical" Zexion said as Marluxia laughed gracefully.

"Roxas WAIT!" Sora's voice was heard while Roxas made his way to the other table.

"Hey Axel"

"Hi there" Axel smiled

"Why won't you and Xion sit with me?"

"Your other is creepy" Axel answered

"No he's not—" Roxas turned around "Okay he is. I just wanted to tell you I am really happy you are back"

"Thanks. It's good to see you too Roxas"

"Coughgaycough" Larxene coughed

"And Xion… You have no idea how happy I am to see you are alive. I mean, sniff, I forgot you and--!"

"Don't cry Roxas. I'm here now" Xion smiled "I'm happy to be with you guys too. We can spend the day together"

"Thanks Xion" Roxas smiled and returned to his seat.

Sora's table

"Well that was stupid of you! Going to the enemy??"

"Hey! Those two are my best friends so let me enjoy the moment"

Tidus and Selphie joined "Hey Kairi who are those people your cousin's hanging out with?"

"Huh… Friends?"

Everyone left the table and moved to the Organization's table.

"Guys!!! Don't go there!!" Sora ran after them

"Guys, I want you to meet our friends" Kairi said

"Hi, I'm Selphie"

"Tidus"

"I'm Axel got it memorized?"

"I'm Demyx! Do you like music?"

"Marluxia Perfection is the name"

"It's just Marluxia. I'm Larxene"

"Zexion"

"Xion"

"How are you Xion?" Namine asked

Xion smiled and nodded.

"Guys!! What are you doing?! They might kill us!" Sora dragged his friends back to the other table.

The bell rang.

"Well… Now what?" Demyx asked

"Let's finish this day" Marluxia answered and everyone left the cafeteria.

END

[khfreak17]

XD lol!!! that was hilarious!!!!! and what the crap is an mp4???????

[Coldman9]

Lol, that was good. I like where this is going.

[TwilightRiku_13]

Awesome update, Glos-Peach. My favorite part was the flashback of Marluxia; he would definitely waste two hours in the bathroom flipping his hair. I also liked Sora keeps saying the Org is evil; they are only evil until they do something heinous, but they haven't done anything yet. I'm still waiting to see them do something stupid. Anyway, great job, and I look forward to more.

[Lanydx reborn]

Man Sora needs chill pill.

[Coldman9]

Wow, it's been so long. Somone needs to put up another chapter of this freakin hilarious story.

[Lanydx reborn]

Too true my friend. Too true.

[Shadow-Love]

This is a pretty good story. Hoping another chapter goes up.

[Glos-Peach]

Right, sorry about that. It's just that I'm busy with school lately...

[Shadow-Love]

Take what time you need, I know school can be a hastle and just a pain at times.

[Annoyance]

Will out heroes accept it? And how will they get out of the troubles they made together? Find out!

*will OUR heroes accept it? How will they get out of the troubles they'VE made together?


I'm guessing this is on fanfiction.net...
but whatever. I dunno how long this'll be.

It was a regular morning in Destiny High (1). The students entered the school, some of them finding their lockers or getting their schedule, some just chatting with others or making new friends. (2) [THE] First day of school.

(1) Destiny High must be jam packed with KH characters. A lot of KH fanfics I see have that as the school. Eh.
(2) Awkward. You could say like "blah blah school, some going to straight to their lockers, others frantically trying to get their schedule before classes started, some chatting with friends.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Passion Drive Aura Mix version, by Utada Hikaru played in the background.

Is this really necessary? Really?
I understand. You like the song. It's a pretty good song. But it isn't relevant to anything at all and is just out of place if anything. This isn't a movie script. This is a story.

Plus the lyrics and mood of the song are PRETTY irrelevant to the story and mood of this whole thing.

The girl had black hair, passes a bit her shoulders. Half of her hair collected with a pink bow, making it get out of her blue glassy eyes. She wore the school uniform; she thought it was cute, just that the skirt is too short. She was always shy. (1)
same paragraph.
She held her books in her arms, not knowing where to go; she was new after all.

She looked to her right, looking for her class. While she did so, she felt her hand brushing [UP AGAINST] another. She turned around and saw the back head of a silver haired boy walking away. (2)

She (3) shrugged her shoulders (4) and turned around, meeting a kid and knocking the both of them to the ground.

(1)Description dumps. First off, this is a bad thing to do. Starting off with the first sentence, you could have something like "a girl with black hair tied up with a pink ribbon looked around. her glassy blue eyes looked around nervously blah blah blah" that way you get some appearance in. And if you're going to describe someone, don't just stop at hair and eyes. Drives me nuts to see nothing more than a naked doll running around in a story.

The school uniform thing is unnecessary. You could include somewhere else in the beginning with people complaining about the uniform and how the skirt is too short or not short enough.

The shy part can be shown through dialogue and action. Not description. Show, not telling is a huge key in writing. You could have her trying to ask some other students where she has to go for class but not having the courage to speak, showing shyness and her uneasiness of being a new student.
(2) Worded horribly. I want you to figure out how to reword it though. :3
(3)Repeating "She" a bunch of times. I also think these all could be in the same paragraph except for the middle one.
(4) Something else. I can tell this is out of character. Something so simple can really make a reader confused on what the character's traits are. The way I see her, she'd probably dwell on it a bit more and would probably try to ask the guy where to go or just stare at him and then turn around and knock into the kid.
(5) Collided would be a better word.

When he felt his hand touching other's, he didn't care. He walked away. But something told him to look around. So he did. To find nothing.

A guy like Riku wouldn't dwell on something as dumb as his hand brushing on another hand. He has shit to do.
This part needs some work.
something like
Normally, something as simple as his hand brushing on another while walking through the hall way, it doesn't faze him. But, for some reason, he turned around this time.

"Huh [COMMA] nothing," he said and continued to walk with the brunette [BOY] and the red haired girl.

Say a instead of the. Works a hell of a lot better.

"That's 'cause you suck," (1)Riku laughed at his younger friend.

"Get real!" (2) Sora yelled, blushing as he saw Kairi (3)giggling.

(1) Unnatural. Suck at what? D: Just say "because you don't do anything but goof off. the teachers reward you with Fs" or something.
(2) Unnatural. Sounds really dumb coming out of Sora.
(3) Kairi was never introduced so it's awkward.

The girl rubbed her forehead. She looked up and saw a boy probably the same age as hers, maybe one year older, (1) doing the same.

They (2)eyes met. He had dark brown hair, covered with a thick layer of gel, making it stay steady. He had beautiful blue eyes, and thick lips. He had perfect skin tone. To make it short, he(3) was perfect.(4)

The girl blushed when she realized she is staring too hard. She quickly started to collect her books from the floor, being helped by the boy.

(1) DOESN'T MATTER. Around the same age fixes everything.
(2) A couple things. One, "their". Two, this could be its own sentence.
(3) Repetition. At the very least, try not to start every sentence with the same word. I try to avoid using the same first word in every paragraph. The next paragraph, sure, but even so, if you repeat it too much it just seems like you have a bad vocabulary. In this instance, just use different things to refer to him.
(4) A better description than the first description dump but yeah. Better timed than the last one, too.

"I-I'm so sorry," she said embarrassed. (1)
"That's okay." He returned her the books and they got to their feet. "I'm Terra, by the way. I believe I never saw you around…" (2)
"I'm new here," the girl smiled. (3)
"May I ask your name?" (4)
"X-Xion…"
"Well, it is nice to meet you then, Xion," the boy flushed a smile.

(1) This is where we would see that "oh, she's really shy."
(2) So unnatural it hurts. "I don't think I've seen you here before..."
(3) Not shy.
(4) This is high school... and he's her age. So a teenager. Unnatural~.

I'm going to stop here for now just because this alone is a huge post. If you want me to do more of the first chapter, I'll be happy to.

You need to work on your dialogue and structure a bit. There was a handful of typos but that's easily fixed.
Dialogue could be fixed by people watching. School is an awesome place to do this because people don't think you can hear them but you can. Building a story off of what you hear is sometimes fun. Restaurants and cafes are good too. You can sit there just making up conversations and stories off of what you see.
Structure, well, that's up to you.
Typos can be solved by just having someone look over it before posting it. I remember making like, 10 people peer edit my old fanfic back in the day. Multiple times, too... but that's just because I'm a total bitch. :3