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Will out heroes accept it? And how will they get out of the troubles they made together? Find out!
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*will OUR heroes accept it? How will they get out of the troubles they'VE made together?
I'm guessing this is on fanfiction.net...
but whatever. I dunno how long this'll be.
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It was a regular morning in Destiny High (1). The students entered the school, some of them finding their lockers or getting their schedule, some just chatting with others or making new friends. (2) [THE] First day of school.
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(1) Destiny High must be jam packed with KH characters. A lot of KH fanfics I see have that as the school. Eh.
(2) Awkward. You could say like "blah blah school, some going to straight to their lockers, others frantically trying to get their schedule before classes started, some chatting with friends.
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Suddenly, out of nowhere, Passion Drive Aura Mix version, by Utada Hikaru played in the background.
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Is this really necessary? Really?
I understand. You like the song. It's a pretty good song. But it isn't relevant to anything at all and is just out of place if anything. This isn't a movie script. This is a story.
Plus the lyrics and mood of the song are PRETTY irrelevant to the story and mood of this whole thing.
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The girl had black hair, passes a bit her shoulders. Half of her hair collected with a pink bow, making it get out of her blue glassy eyes. She wore the school uniform; she thought it was cute, just that the skirt is too short. She was always shy. (1)
same paragraph.
She held her books in her arms, not knowing where to go; she was new after all.
She looked to her right, looking for her class. While she did so, she felt her hand brushing [UP AGAINST] another. She turned around and saw the back head of a silver haired boy walking away. (2)
She (3) shrugged her shoulders (4) and turned around, meeting a kid and knocking the both of them to the ground.
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(1)Description dumps. First off, this is a bad thing to do. Starting off with the first sentence, you could have something like "a girl with black hair tied up with a pink ribbon looked around. her glassy blue eyes looked around nervously blah blah blah" that way you get some appearance in. And if you're going to describe someone, don't just stop at hair and eyes. Drives me nuts to see nothing more than a naked doll running around in a story.
The school uniform thing is unnecessary. You could include somewhere else in the beginning with people complaining about the uniform and how the skirt is too short or not short enough.
The shy part can be shown through dialogue and action. Not description. Show, not telling is a huge key in writing. You could have her trying to ask some other students where she has to go for class but not having the courage to speak, showing shyness and her uneasiness of being a new student.
(2) Worded horribly. I want you to figure out how to reword it though. :3
(3)Repeating "She" a bunch of times. I also think these all could be in the same paragraph except for the middle one.
(4) Something else. I can tell this is out of character. Something so simple can really make a reader confused on what the character's traits are. The way I see her, she'd probably dwell on it a bit more and would probably try to ask the guy where to go or just stare at him and then turn around and knock into the kid.
(5) Collided would be a better word.
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When he felt his hand touching other's, he didn't care. He walked away. But something told him to look around. So he did. To find nothing.
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A guy like Riku wouldn't dwell on something as dumb as his hand brushing on another hand. He has shit to do.
This part needs some work.
something like
Normally, something as simple as his hand brushing on another while walking through the hall way, it doesn't faze him. But, for some reason, he turned around this time.
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"Huh [COMMA] nothing," he said and continued to walk with the brunette [BOY] and the red haired girl.
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Say a instead of the. Works a hell of a lot better.
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"That's 'cause you suck," (1)Riku laughed at his younger friend.
"Get real!" (2) Sora yelled, blushing as he saw Kairi (3)giggling.
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(1) Unnatural. Suck at what? D: Just say "because you don't do anything but goof off. the teachers reward you with Fs" or something.
(2) Unnatural. Sounds really dumb coming out of Sora.
(3) Kairi was never introduced so it's awkward.
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The girl rubbed her forehead. She looked up and saw a boy probably the same age as hers, maybe one year older, (1) doing the same.
They (2)eyes met. He had dark brown hair, covered with a thick layer of gel, making it stay steady. He had beautiful blue eyes, and thick lips. He had perfect skin tone. To make it short, he(3) was perfect.(4)
The girl blushed when she realized she is staring too hard. She quickly started to collect her books from the floor, being helped by the boy.
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(1) DOESN'T MATTER. Around the same age fixes everything.
(2) A couple things. One, "their". Two, this could be its own sentence.
(3) Repetition. At the very least, try not to start every sentence with the same word. I try to avoid using the same first word in every paragraph. The next paragraph, sure, but even so, if you repeat it too much it just seems like you have a bad vocabulary. In this instance, just use different things to refer to him.
(4) A better description than the first description dump but yeah. Better timed than the last one, too.
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"I-I'm so sorry," she said embarrassed. (1)
"That's okay." He returned her the books and they got to their feet. "I'm Terra, by the way. I believe I never saw you around…" (2)
"I'm new here," the girl smiled. (3)
"May I ask your name?" (4)
"X-Xion…"
"Well, it is nice to meet you then, Xion," the boy flushed a smile.
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(1) This is where we would see that "oh, she's really shy."
(2) So unnatural it hurts. "I don't think I've seen you here before..."
(3) Not shy.
(4) This is high school... and he's her age. So a teenager. Unnatural~.
I'm going to stop here for now just because this alone is a huge post. If you want me to do more of the first chapter, I'll be happy to.
You need to work on your dialogue and structure a bit. There was a handful of typos but that's easily fixed.
Dialogue could be fixed by people watching. School is an awesome place to do this because people don't think you can hear them but you can. Building a story off of what you hear is sometimes fun. Restaurants and cafes are good too. You can sit there just making up conversations and stories off of what you see.
Structure, well, that's up to you.
Typos can be solved by just having someone look over it before posting it. I remember making like, 10 people peer edit my old fanfic back in the day. Multiple times, too... but that's just because I'm a total bitch. :3
Re: We'll Learn Together 
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