Road to Twilight

Chaosmax · October 19th, 2009, 12:43 AM

Okay this is a long prologue, but give this story a chance. Trust me it will be better than Road to Oblivion.

Road To Twilight
Prologue
“We have a new member in our midst, No. 15 Destiny, another who wields the keyblade,” Xemnas announced. He turned. “Xion, I want you to show your newest teammate around the castle, when you’re done got to Twilight town to see what she can do.”

“Yes sir” I’m guessing Xion said.

Everyone then disappeared except us two. We both removed our hoods. She had short black hair and blue eyes. Destiny’s hair was blue and barely went past her shoulders, and she also had blue eyes. Xion summoned a dark portal.

“Let’s go” she said.

“Okay” said Destiny.

“Well that’s everyone, let’s talk to Saix and leave” Xion said.

We walked up to a man with gold eyes, blue hair, and an x shaped scar on his face.
“Let me guess, you two are prepared to leave?” He said sarcastically.
Yeah we are” Xion said glaring at him.

He summoned a dark portal and we walked through it.
_____________________________________________________________

“If you can wield the keyblade like me and Roxas can, then clear your mind and the name will appear in your head.”

Destiny nodded and cleared her head of all thoughts, but nothing happened.

“If it doesn’t work then picture something soothing that calms you down.”

Again she nodded with her eyes still closed and suddenly she heard ocean waves. Shadows appeared around Xion. She summoned her keyblade and rushed at them.
She obliterated them left and right, but they wouldn’t stop coming. Suddenly a giant Neoshadow appeared with five shadows around it.

“Destiny there’s too many, please hurry” Xion said as the Neoshadow knocked her into a wall.
Destiny thought of the soothing sound of the ocean waves and suddenly she saw a moon colored blue. The name came to her. Blue Moon. She opened her eyes to see a blade with a white handle connected to a white key shape at the end, a blue handle (like Sora’s kingdom key yellow handle part, but her’s is circular), and a blue chain with a white heart shaped moon on it.

“Cool” she muttered and saw Xion getting up.

“LET’S GO” they yelled together and rushed at the heartless.

Destiny aimed for the shadows as Xion battled the Neoshadow. She jumped and swung at the first two shadows leaping at her, the next two were traveling on the ground. She tried to hit them, but somehow under the ground, one of them cam at her was on the ground came behind her and clawed at her back. She fell and fire coming from Xion’s blade the two of them disappeared. Now Destiny had the last one to deal with. She summoned a bubble and trapped the shadow within it.

“Cool how did I do that” she murmured.

A bright light flashed from the bubble and it exploded sending another heart into the sky. She turned to see Xion running towards her.

“Well we now know what you can do so let’s RTC and report to Xemnas,” said Xion.
“What does RTC mean?” said Destiny with a confused look on her face.
“I’ll just tell you later.”

Just as they stepped through the portal, Destiny saw a hooded figure dressed like them. He saw her and ran, she chased after him, cornering the figure into the forest.

“Who are you; you can’t be in the organization!” She yelled. He came from behind the tree, she couldn’t see his face, but saw his big round ears.
“An old friend of yours, don’t you remember Destiny?” he asked.
Before she could answer he vanished in a bright light.
“Who was that” she muttered.

That was a month ago.

Bellaisima358 · October 19th, 2009, 12:55 AM

Everything was a bit too fast, so you need to tone down the speed of the story a bit. You also need to describe a tad more.

Also, why is Destiny in the organization in the first place? Is she a nobody? Is she whole? Will these questions be answered in the next chapter?

You need more emotion in your story. Is she happy? Is she miserable? Express that.

Oh, and PUNCTUATION! You don't have periods, commas, or question marks in the dialouge!

This one is better than the other story of yours, and by any chance, is it based off of days? (RTC:) )

Dawn Rebirth · October 19th, 2009, 02:15 AM

exactly, if you don't slow down then, there's too much tension if there is anything threatening don't make it there one second, and gone the next otherwise it's too one-sided. Also Destiny, if she's whole then, she doesn't have an X in her name if she's not she will. I have a few theories, surrounding the organization, that aside it's a good start just try not to rush through it.

khfreak17 · October 19th, 2009, 04:34 PM

i like it. but i agree with Bell and DR. slow down a bit. and explain more. this story has potential. but you need to work on some things.

Chaosmax · October 20th, 2009, 02:59 AM

Okay I get wat u guys/girls r sayin. She is the 15th member(of course), she is shy( but not resently since she has gotten a cocky attitude thinkin she can whip every heartless coming her way) and also loves to explore new places, her somebody u will soon find out who she is, and this is taking place during days( but in my own verion of it).Her limit break is 2 use quik run so fast that she can make clones of herslef(I got the idea from Aqua's time compression).
Destiny doesn't have an x in her name because I din't want her 2, and also 3 other members will soon join(laughs evily), but stay tuned cuz the next chapta's should be up by wednesday or if I'm lucky tuesday.

Chaosmax · October 20th, 2009, 03:01 AM

Sorry I have been rushing this but it will all or sorta make since soon, cuz I'm now competing with ma friend and were seeing who is the beta story writer.

Bellaisima358 · October 20th, 2009, 03:02 AM

Don't double post, Max!!!!!

Chaosmax · October 20th, 2009, 03:21 AM

Sorr I should have known beta than dat, anyway here it is, it's short but it will be epic because a special guest appears in the few chapters.
CH.1: NEW WORLD

He turned towards her.
“Destiny you’ll be alone in the world Deep Jungle, and you will have to defeat Mongrilla” Xemnas announced almost smiling for some reason.
“Dismissed”

__________________________________________________________

“Man this new world is amazing, but I’ve destroyed every heartless I’ve come across so where is this so called Mongrilla,” Destiny said sighing.

She gazed around the tree house still looking for the creature. Suddenly a loud piercing sound erupted throughout the tree house, windows shattered and she was forced to her knees trying to cover her ears form thee screeching noise. A monster crashed through the walls and got back up immediately. It was a dark gorilla looking heartless, with red eyes, and the emblem was on its chest. It was the same size as her, but a little more muscular. They looked at each other for a moment then Destiny realized this was who she was looking for. She summoned her keyblade.

“Bring it on” She yelled and dashed towards it.

The creature banged its fists at the ground causing a small enough earthquake to knock her off balance. It made a fist at her and suddenly a huge green energy fist smacked Destiny causing to fall back towards the edge. She stood and tried to bring up her keyblade to parry the next blow, but it was so fast it tackled her, sending them out off the tree house and soaring into the air.

Next chapter: Showdown( 2 parts)

Dawn Rebirth · October 20th, 2009, 11:56 PM

ummmm ... Mongrilla? If that's you're attempt, at a new heartless then, I don't know what to say.
Also, it seems you have grasped the meaning "part". (well done)

Chaosmax · October 21st, 2009, 03:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dawn Rebirth

ummmm ... Mongrilla? If that's you're attempt, at a new heartless then, I don't know what to say.
Also, it seems you have grasped the meaning "part". (well done)

Sorry bout the whole Mongrilla thing, I couldn't think of a name so I told ma friend 2 think of one an well here it is, by the way there will be no 2 part showdown since I've decided sumthin different.

Chaosmax · October 24th, 2009, 01:51 AM

CH.20: SHOWDOWN

Dashing and hoping among every tree they kept parrying each other. Destiny still had taken massive damage from the creature. It used a double energy fist and knocked her high into the vine areas. Her expression changed, she was now madder than ever.
“Now your toast” she growled. “Limit break!”

She could only make up to 2 clones of herself and they dashed at it. It tried to evade using super like speed, but she was to fast for it. They formed a triangle around it and trapped Mongrilla in a huge bubble with little bubbles inside it. A blue light sparkled around it. BOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!! The bubble exploded with enough power to send them both to the area beneath them. She stumbled and tasted the sour feeling in her mouth while whipping the sweat out of her eyes. She touched her head. I’m bleeding, she realized. “Cure” she exclaimed, but it didn’t help at all, she still felt like she was going to die. Destiny looked around and saw ponds with hippos hiding at the bottom trying to flee the battle scene. She heard a pounding and saw Mongrilla on a branch pounding its chest and leaped at her. It knocked her hard into the water and she went unconscious. Suddenly a blue aurora collapsed around her, even though she was still unconscious, her eyes burst open and shining blue light came from them. She stood on top of the water staring at the cornered heartless. The name came to her head as if she heard it before.
TSUNAMI FORM.

Chaosmax · October 24th, 2009, 01:51 AM

Sorry ignore this cause I posted the same thing. But here's the next chapter yall folks. I didn't wan't to use roxas cuz I wanted sum1 else to be in it.

CH.3: SAVIOR

Destiny struggled to get up. She finally managed to open her eyes to see the horror before her. The ponds that were once a beautiful habitat was now empty holes with and no hippos in sight, trees and vines were torn apart; the pond area was nothing but a wasteland now. She had a massive headache and immediately saw a hooded figure in front of her; he was barely scratched up and had his hood on.
“Did…. You save me?” she said finally breathing easily.
“I guess you could say that”
“What happened to me?”
“I came because a…. Comrade said you would need saving so by the time I got here the heartless was gone, but your powers were out of control, you went berserk so I had to stop you.”

Destiny was stunned, speechless of what lengths a member would go to, to save her. She looked at him for a while and noticed something odd. He summoned a portal and walked towards it.
“WAIT!” she yelled.
“What is it?” she couldn’t see his face but could tell he was confused.
“I can tell your not a fellow member so who are you?” She said trying to see his face.

The portal disappeared and he made his way back to her, he reached his hand out. She had just noticed she was still on the ground just sitting there. He pulled her up and she came close to his face, she blushed. He took off his hood and then his blindfold and smiled at her. She was still blushing, but he had moved a strand of her hair to her ear and her whole face turned pink. He summoned another portal.

“Sorry, but I have to go” he said and his smile faded.
“When can I see you again?”
“Soon, don’t worry we’ll meet again” he said and started walking towards the portal.
“Wait, I don’t even know your name” Destiny said.

“It’s Riku” he said.
“I’m Destiny” she said. He smiled put on his blindfold and left.
Destiny smiled and ran back to the portal she came in at.
_____________________________________________________________

She went to her room to sleep, but in her dream the name floated in her head.
“Riku” she muttered and fell into a sound sleep.

Dawn Rebirth · October 24th, 2009, 04:29 AM

my perdiction, Destiny takes Xion's role in your story, am I right? (Once again, fast but good)

Snow · October 24th, 2009, 04:41 AM

Too fast...

Also, I've found a problem with your first chapter?

Quote:

“Yes sir” I’m guessing Xion said.

Who exactly is "I'm", by the way?

And I really suggest more description. You're getting way too deep in the storyline, but it's hard to imagine what you're writing in my head. In fact, what does Destiny look like in the first place? You never talked about her features before apart from hair colour and eyes. What's her basic body structure, defining features etc (while you did describe Saix, who seems irrelevant thus far).

Chaosmax · October 24th, 2009, 03:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Grimmedslug

Too fast...

Also, I've found a problem with your first chapter?

Who exactly is "I'm", by the way?

And I really suggest more description. You're getting way too deep in the storyline, but it's hard to imagine what you're writing in my head. In fact, what does Destiny look like in the first place? You never talked about her features before apart from hair colour and eyes. What's her basic body structure, defining features etc (while you did describe Saix, who seems irrelevant thus far).

I'm was Destiny and I'm bout to start slowing down cuz I kno I'm moving to fast. Also did u look at the other posts cuz it explains the things about her. I will just put her in investigate missions or something like that for the next few chapters cuz I'm am moving way too fast with this. She will meet some disney characters soon though so it will be a while till I post the next chapter. Also if u looked through this thread u would see that I didn't describe her characteristics in a chapter, but in a post. Don't worry I'm gonna make changes to the story soon.

October 19th, 2009, 12:43 AM	#1
Chaosmax Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: .......In the Keyblade War Age: 14 Posts: 124 Rep Power: 3 Currently playing: NBA10: The Inside Level: EXP:	Road to Twilight Okay this is a long prologue, but give this story a chance. Trust me it will be better than Road to Oblivion. Road To Twilight Prologue “We have a new member in our midst, No. 15 Destiny, another who wields the keyblade,” Xemnas announced. He turned. “Xion, I want you to show your newest teammate around the castle, when you’re done got to Twilight town to see what she can do.” “Yes sir” I’m guessing Xion said. Everyone then disappeared except us two. We both removed our hoods. She had short black hair and blue eyes. Destiny’s hair was blue and barely went past her shoulders, and she also had blue eyes. Xion summoned a dark portal. “Let’s go” she said. “Okay” said Destiny. “Well that’s everyone, let’s talk to Saix and leave” Xion said. We walked up to a man with gold eyes, blue hair, and an x shaped scar on his face. “Let me guess, you two are prepared to leave?” He said sarcastically. Yeah we are” Xion said glaring at him. He summoned a dark portal and we walked through it. _____________________________________________________________ “If you can wield the keyblade like me and Roxas can, then clear your mind and the name will appear in your head.” Destiny nodded and cleared her head of all thoughts, but nothing happened. “If it doesn’t work then picture something soothing that calms you down.” Again she nodded with her eyes still closed and suddenly she heard ocean waves. Shadows appeared around Xion. She summoned her keyblade and rushed at them. She obliterated them left and right, but they wouldn’t stop coming. Suddenly a giant Neoshadow appeared with five shadows around it. “Destiny there’s too many, please hurry” Xion said as the Neoshadow knocked her into a wall. Destiny thought of the soothing sound of the ocean waves and suddenly she saw a moon colored blue. The name came to her. Blue Moon. She opened her eyes to see a blade with a white handle connected to a white key shape at the end, a blue handle (like Sora’s kingdom key yellow handle part, but her’s is circular), and a blue chain with a white heart shaped moon on it. “Cool” she muttered and saw Xion getting up. “LET’S GO” they yelled together and rushed at the heartless. Destiny aimed for the shadows as Xion battled the Neoshadow. She jumped and swung at the first two shadows leaping at her, the next two were traveling on the ground. She tried to hit them, but somehow under the ground, one of them cam at her was on the ground came behind her and clawed at her back. She fell and fire coming from Xion’s blade the two of them disappeared. Now Destiny had the last one to deal with. She summoned a bubble and trapped the shadow within it. “Cool how did I do that” she murmured. A bright light flashed from the bubble and it exploded sending another heart into the sky. She turned to see Xion running towards her. “Well we now know what you can do so let’s RTC and report to Xemnas,” said Xion. “What does RTC mean?” said Destiny with a confused look on her face. “I’ll just tell you later.” Just as they stepped through the portal, Destiny saw a hooded figure dressed like them. He saw her and ran, she chased after him, cornering the figure into the forest. “Who are you; you can’t be in the organization!” She yelled. He came from behind the tree, she couldn’t see his face, but saw his big round ears. “An old friend of yours, don’t you remember Destiny?” he asked. Before she could answer he vanished in a bright light. “Who was that” she muttered. That was a month ago.

October 19th, 2009, 02:15 AM	#3
Dawn Rebirth Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: on the top of the light house in Dawn Bay eating some sea-salt ice cream Age: 14 Posts: 237 Rep Power: 1 Level: EXP:	Re: Road to Twilight exactly, if you don't slow down then, there's too much tension if there is anything threatening don't make it there one second, and gone the next otherwise it's too one-sided. Also Destiny, if she's whole then, she doesn't have an X in her name if she's not she will. I have a few theories, surrounding the organization, that aside it's a good start just try not to rush through it.

October 19th, 2009, 04:34 PM	#4
khfreak17 Dual Wielder Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: watching Adam Lamber's AMA performance with Axel (dont wacth around young ones. trust me. _) Posts: 570 Rep Power: 1 Currently playing: Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days (Day 302) Level: EXP:	Re: Road to Twilight i like it. but i agree with Bell and DR. slow down a bit. and explain more. this story has potential. but you need to work on some things.

October 20th, 2009, 02:59 AM	#5
Chaosmax Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: .......In the Keyblade War Age: 14 Posts: 124 Rep Power: 3 Currently playing: NBA10: The Inside Level: EXP:	Re: Road to Twilight Okay I get wat u guys/girls r sayin. She is the 15th member(of course), she is shy( but not resently since she has gotten a cocky attitude thinkin she can whip every heartless coming her way) and also loves to explore new places, her somebody u will soon find out who she is, and this is taking place during days( but in my own verion of it).Her limit break is 2 use quik run so fast that she can make clones of herslef(I got the idea from Aqua's time compression). Destiny doesn't have an x in her name because I din't want her 2, and also 3 other members will soon join(laughs evily), but stay tuned cuz the next chapta's should be up by wednesday or if I'm lucky tuesday. Last edited by Chaosmax; October 24th, 2009 at 01:35 AM.

October 20th, 2009, 03:01 AM	#6
Chaosmax Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: .......In the Keyblade War Age: 14 Posts: 124 Rep Power: 3 Currently playing: NBA10: The Inside Level: EXP:	Re: Road to Twilight Sorry I have been rushing this but it will all or sorta make since soon, cuz I'm now competing with ma friend and were seeing who is the beta story writer.

October 20th, 2009, 03:21 AM	#8
Chaosmax Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: .......In the Keyblade War Age: 14 Posts: 124 Rep Power: 3 Currently playing: NBA10: The Inside Level: EXP:	Re: Road to Twilight Sorr I should have known beta than dat, anyway here it is, it's short but it will be epic because a special guest appears in the few chapters. CH.1: NEW WORLD He turned towards her. “Destiny you’ll be alone in the world Deep Jungle, and you will have to defeat Mongrilla” Xemnas announced almost smiling for some reason. “Dismissed” __________________________________________________________ “Man this new world is amazing, but I’ve destroyed every heartless I’ve come across so where is this so called Mongrilla,” Destiny said sighing. She gazed around the tree house still looking for the creature. Suddenly a loud piercing sound erupted throughout the tree house, windows shattered and she was forced to her knees trying to cover her ears form thee screeching noise. A monster crashed through the walls and got back up immediately. It was a dark gorilla looking heartless, with red eyes, and the emblem was on its chest. It was the same size as her, but a little more muscular. They looked at each other for a moment then Destiny realized this was who she was looking for. She summoned her keyblade. “Bring it on” She yelled and dashed towards it. The creature banged its fists at the ground causing a small enough earthquake to knock her off balance. It made a fist at her and suddenly a huge green energy fist smacked Destiny causing to fall back towards the edge. She stood and tried to bring up her keyblade to parry the next blow, but it was so fast it tackled her, sending them out off the tree house and soaring into the air. Next chapter: Showdown( 2 parts) Last edited by Chaosmax; October 20th, 2009 at 03:45 AM.

October 20th, 2009, 11:56 PM	#9
Dawn Rebirth Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: on the top of the light house in Dawn Bay eating some sea-salt ice cream Age: 14 Posts: 237 Rep Power: 1 Level: EXP:	Re: Road to Twilight ummmm ... Mongrilla? If that's you're attempt, at a new heartless then, I don't know what to say. Also, it seems you have grasped the meaning "part". (well done)

October 24th, 2009, 01:51 AM	#11
Chaosmax Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: .......In the Keyblade War Age: 14 Posts: 124 Rep Power: 3 Currently playing: NBA10: The Inside Level: EXP:	Re: Road to Twilight CH.20: SHOWDOWN Dashing and hoping among every tree they kept parrying each other. Destiny still had taken massive damage from the creature. It used a double energy fist and knocked her high into the vine areas. Her expression changed, she was now madder than ever. “Now your toast” she growled. “Limit break!” She could only make up to 2 clones of herself and they dashed at it. It tried to evade using super like speed, but she was to fast for it. They formed a triangle around it and trapped Mongrilla in a huge bubble with little bubbles inside it. A blue light sparkled around it. BOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!! The bubble exploded with enough power to send them both to the area beneath them. She stumbled and tasted the sour feeling in her mouth while whipping the sweat out of her eyes. She touched her head. I’m bleeding, she realized. “Cure” she exclaimed, but it didn’t help at all, she still felt like she was going to die. Destiny looked around and saw ponds with hippos hiding at the bottom trying to flee the battle scene. She heard a pounding and saw Mongrilla on a branch pounding its chest and leaped at her. It knocked her hard into the water and she went unconscious. Suddenly a blue aurora collapsed around her, even though she was still unconscious, her eyes burst open and shining blue light came from them. She stood on top of the water staring at the cornered heartless. The name came to her head as if she heard it before. TSUNAMI FORM.

October 24th, 2009, 01:51 AM	#12
Chaosmax Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: .......In the Keyblade War Age: 14 Posts: 124 Rep Power: 3 Currently playing: NBA10: The Inside Level: EXP:	Re: Road to Twilight Sorry ignore this cause I posted the same thing. But here's the next chapter yall folks. I didn't wan't to use roxas cuz I wanted sum1 else to be in it. CH.3: SAVIOR Destiny struggled to get up. She finally managed to open her eyes to see the horror before her. The ponds that were once a beautiful habitat was now empty holes with and no hippos in sight, trees and vines were torn apart; the pond area was nothing but a wasteland now. She had a massive headache and immediately saw a hooded figure in front of her; he was barely scratched up and had his hood on. “Did…. You save me?” she said finally breathing easily. “I guess you could say that” “What happened to me?” “I came because a…. Comrade said you would need saving so by the time I got here the heartless was gone, but your powers were out of control, you went berserk so I had to stop you.” Destiny was stunned, speechless of what lengths a member would go to, to save her. She looked at him for a while and noticed something odd. He summoned a portal and walked towards it. “WAIT!” she yelled. “What is it?” she couldn’t see his face but could tell he was confused. “I can tell your not a fellow member so who are you?” She said trying to see his face. The portal disappeared and he made his way back to her, he reached his hand out. She had just noticed she was still on the ground just sitting there. He pulled her up and she came close to his face, she blushed. He took off his hood and then his blindfold and smiled at her. She was still blushing, but he had moved a strand of her hair to her ear and her whole face turned pink. He summoned another portal. “Sorry, but I have to go” he said and his smile faded. “When can I see you again?” “Soon, don’t worry we’ll meet again” he said and started walking towards the portal. “Wait, I don’t even know your name” Destiny said. “It’s Riku” he said. “I’m Destiny” she said. He smiled put on his blindfold and left. Destiny smiled and ran back to the portal she came in at. _____________________________________________________________ She went to her room to sleep, but in her dream the name floated in her head. “Riku” she muttered and fell into a sound sleep. Last edited by Chaosmax; October 24th, 2009 at 02:19 AM. Reason: I accidenlty posted the same thing, but here's the next chapter.

October 24th, 2009, 04:29 AM	#13
Dawn Rebirth Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: on the top of the light house in Dawn Bay eating some sea-salt ice cream Age: 14 Posts: 237 Rep Power: 1 Level: EXP:	Re: Road to Twilight my perdiction, Destiny takes Xion's role in your story, am I right? (Once again, fast but good)

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