Riku's story

[Darkness_Shadow]

Ok well this is the first story Im writing so please read it and just remember that Im a beginner. Try and tell me some things I need to work on to. So here it is :D



Chapter one:
The beginning

The night sky surrounds a tall dark hooded figure in a dark field. The figure stares into the night sky. As He steps forward he hears a rustle in some tall grass a few feet away. He starts to walk again and hears a light voice. “I’ve been waiting for you.”
He stops and looks around. “Who is there, who are you?”
As he looks around perplexed he hears the light voice again. “Foolish boy!” The voice growls. “You try to look to far ahead instead of looking what’s right in front of you.”
The hooded figure removes his hood to reveal himself. He steps into the light. The figure was Riku. “It’s you Ansem, isn’t it?”
Ansem moves into the light as well and stares at Riku for a moment. “Good. You remember me.”
“How could I forget!?” Riku Growls as he pulls out his Soul Eater.
“I’m not here to Argue.” Ansem says casually. “I’m here for a simple request.”
“I suppose it has to do with the Darkness.” Riku snarls as he puts away his Soul Eater.
“Now first let me go over something. You seem to be letting go of the Darkness within you. And I can’t let you do that. Once you have consumed the darkness it can never escape from you, but you seem to be letting it go some how. Like the light in you is over powering the Darkness. Now you seem to be a mix between them both. You have power like I’ve never seen!”
“Ya well, that’s not really important to me anymore.” Riku says as he gazes at the night sky.
“Well I suppose you would like to know what the request is.”
Riku looks down at Ansem and looks him in his eyes. “If you tell me, will I have no choice but to do it?”
Ansem chuckles and closes his eyes. “It just might. You will just have to follow your heart.” Ansem opens his eyes and looks at Riku. “You ready?”
Riku looks down at the ground and breaths in, then says quietly “Yes.”
“I want you to bring Kairi to me!”
Riku looks up quickly in surprise and yells “What do you want from her!?”
“You will see. But if you don’t get her to me in two days I will have her heart!” Ansem says as he fades away into the darkness.
“Wait!” Riku yells “Come back!” Riku slowly looks down and thinks to himself what Ansem wants with Kairi. And what he will do to her if he doesn’t get her to him in time, or what he will do if he brings her to him.
Riku stands up and starts walking along a path in the large valley. Slowly fading into darkness.

[Darkness_Shadow]

Ok Im sorry for double posting but can someone read it and post something? This is my first story and I need to know what to work on. So can someone please post?

[Darkness Princess]

You dont double post!! but apart from that I like it, I think you should continue the story.

[RikusGurlkh]

ya i like it to i think you should keep going.

[Darkness_Shadow]

Ok I have another chapter but it includes Axle's weapon thingy so i called them "Fire Wheels" Enjoy :D


Chapter Two:
Searching

Riku leans up against a wall in a small dark void room. Thinking what he should do. Give Ansem Kairi or don’t. Riku looks up and says to himself quietly, “I’m not going to let Ansem take Kairi, or her heart!”
Riku walks out of the room and walks through a dark hallway. He comes to a blank wall. “Dead end.”
As Riku turns around a tall hooded figure stands before him. “My, you seem to have grown” The tall man says as he lifts his hood.
“Axle…” Riku says with a mad look on his face.
“Indeed. What have you been up to? Doing more dirty for that fool Ansem?”
“I don’t have time for you and your questions.” Riku says as he walks around Axle.
“Hmm… You don’t seem to be in a good mood.” Axle says as he pulls out his Fire wheels.
Riku turns around and sees Axle’s Fire wheels out and says, “What… Are you going to fight me? …Hmm.” Riku pulls out his Soul Eater.
“No, not yet. I need you to do something for me.”
“Another request.” Riku says as he looks back at Axle. “I’ve already got things to do so I guess you’re out of luck.” Riku turns back around and keeps walking down the hall.
Riku steps outside and looks around to find no one. “Wha- Were is everyone?”
Riku walks around the corner of a building to find Axle. Standing there with his Fire wheels out looking at Riku angrily. “You are going to do what I tell you to do!”
Riku gives Axle a smirk and turns around. But Axle is right in front of him. “What is your request?”
“…Bring King Mickey to me. Or your friend here will suffer.”
Axle says as he pulls Kairi out from behind him.
“No! What do you want from her! Let go of her!” Riku yells as he pulls out his Soul Eater.
“King Mickey.” Axle gives Riku a smirk and walks away.
“Axle! Let go of her!” Riku screams as he runs toward Axle getting ready to strike.
Axle turns around and knocks Riku down with a thin Fire Wall. As Riku looks up Axle and Kairi are gone. “No!...Come back.”
Riku looks down and a few tears drip down from his eyes “I can’t let them hurt her.” Riku looks up and takes a deep breath in. “I’m not going to let them hurt her I’m going to get her back!”
Riku gets up and starts running in the direction he last saw Axle going in.

[DaRkNeSs2LiGhT]

kEwLiO!~ ^^;

[Darkness_Shadow]

I'm sorry these chapters are small, I'm going to try and make them a bit longer. I will try to get altleast 1 Chapter a day. But it doesnt really seem like many people like it. Hardly anyone has posted and the posts are just some thing like "good you should keep going." I need people to tell me what to improve on or if the story sucks and I need to start a differant one. Just please tell me waht to improve on.

[DaRkNeSs2LiGhT]

LoL~ i know how u feel. it's frustrating wen no one reads ur story. well, if u want to improve....use more description and stuff like that. mayve it'd be easier if u wrote in past tense, too. instead of 'Riku leans against the wall...' --> 'Riku leaned against the wall..'. know wat i mean, jellybean? ^^; i'm not good w/helping ppl improve, but i hope that may have helped somewat.

**and i think it's Axel, not Axle. =O]*

[Darkness Princess]

OK you want advice than i think you should add more discription and make the chapters a bit longer. Also you should add a few cliff hangers you know? Make it tense.

[Darkness_Shadow]

Ok before I start writing the next chapter, what is a cliff hanger? Is it something like the fraze "It will keep you on the edge of your seat." or something like that, were it is like when they dont know what is going to happen or something?

[DaRkNeSs2LiGhT]

yeh, thats a cliffhanger. or along those lines. ^^;

[Winged Mirage]

I agree with the others that more description would be good. Also, double space after you've done each paragraph. That makes it a lot easier to read. But it's a cool story

[sorasecondcoming]

i like it alot