*Heartless Inside*

[Euphoria]

Okay, I had this story on the old forums that I liked a lot. Unfortunetly it was deleated. But there is a good side to this, now I can improve my story, yay!! So here we go again!!! :)

Chapter 1: A Girl Named Kiki

Kiki is a 14 year old girl who lives happily with her family. She had bright blue eyes and long brown hair. She was always a daydreamer and was always thinking. Kiki had always wanted to go on an adventure so she could really see what was out there but at the same time, wanted to stay home with her family. Little does she know something is about to change her life forever.

One night, the sky was clear of clouds and the stars were shining bright. Kiki would usually look at the stars for hours with her dad on the top of her roof. "Don't the stars look great tonight, Kiki?" Her father said. Kiki looked over at him.
"Yeah dad, they do. I can't remeber the last time we could gaze at the stars like this." Kiki said. A few minures later, her dad went back inside.
"You comin' Kiki?" He asked her. Kiki sat up.
"Yeah, just five more minutes okay?" Kiki asked. Her dad ndded his head and went back inside. Kiki gazed at the stars until she saw one of the stars vanish right before her eyes. "What the heck? A star just went out." She looked around in the sky and saw another one and another one just go out like a light. "That is too wierd." She said. Suddenly, she saw a dark figure standing next to her, its eyes glowing. She went back inside through her window and ran to get her dad. "Dad! Mom!" She screamed. Her father sat up from his bed.
"What Kiki, what is it?" He said.
"Dad, there's somthin' out there with glowing eyes and a dark body!" Kiki said. Her dad looked confused.
"Maybe you fell asleep and it was only a bad dream." He said.
"No, I know what I saw! I was not dreaming! It was standing right next to me!" Kiki shouted. She noticed her mother wasn't in bed. "Hey where's mom?" Kiki asked.
"Oh she's downstairs getting water." Sudeenly, there was a scream. "What was that?"
"It sounded like mom!" Kiki said. They ran downsatairs to find the dark figure that Kiki had seen. "Thats it, thats what I saw." Kiki pointed to it. Kiki's mother grabbed a broom and wacked the creature.
"Run!" Kiki's father said. They all ran out the door. They soon found out that their whole town was swarming with these creatures. Everyone was screaming and running...scared.
To be continued...

Well, there's the new and improved chapter 1. Tell me if I should keep goin! Thanks!

[titusx04]

boringggggggggg

[Lisafer]

Far too many dead verbs, stiff dialougue, and...ugh.

Original characters. -_-U

[darkheart]

its pretty good

[Euphoria]

I see, well my this one wasn't much of an improvement from my last one then. Its okay, I can stop here. I guess I just thought I could make a good comeback, but oh well.
Sorry if reading my story was a waste of time.

[sorasecondcoming]

i like it alot