And The Spirits Wake [looking for criticism!]

[Takushi Rena]

DON'T POST COMMENTS LIKE 'WOW! GOOD STORY! WRITE MORE! :D' BECAUSE THAT DOESN'T HELP ME ANY. I'm working hard on an original story and I'm posting things up in bits, and trying to improve them individually. I don't mind those types of comments, but I'm looking for criticism in this thread! Now, to the point:

If you've read it, I have an original story called 'And The Spirits Wake'. This is my second pride and joy in writing, next to Betwixt + Between/Pieces of Heart, but it's been rather neglected lately. So, to make up for it, I'm going to heavily rewrite the story and make it as best as it can be! I want it to be as published book-quality as I can possibly get it, so I need lots of criticism.

I'll start with a sample, which is the introduction to the first chapter. And, when I post up a portion of the chapter, I'll post up the writing and then I'll put what I'm trying to exactly get out of that part. [Like if I'm trying to make you feel the characters' anxiety, etc.]

If you want to post up any criticism, I greatly apperciate any and all of it! :] Thank you very much in advance for helping me improve my story! Now, here's the first part:

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My hands gave a hard shake. It moved down through my legs. They gave a rough tremble. I was so... cold.

I dreamed soundlessly, in between my freezing fit. Freezing...

In my mind, my eyes were wide open. Everything reflected off of my sight just like glass. But, this couldn't be right. Why was everything inverted? Why was everything upside down?

I had been having this same dream for a few nights in a row now, but it was always a short dream. That didn't mean it didn't continue on into the next night.

It was so simple. It wasn't frightening, not even fazing. It was just strange. Standing beneath a million skyscrapers that were upside down, like the sky was the ground and the ground was the sky. Everything was so grey, so boring. Nothing moved. It just stood there, motionless. No wonder it never fazed me.

These chills did, though. I gasped for air in the outside world, grasped for warmth. My heart pounded madly. I could feel my heartbeat inside my dream world. I could feel the cold inside that world, too. I had to escape. I had to get out of there! This place was so still; it wouldn't matter if I left. But I couldn't bring myself to wake up...

I believe you found the reflection, Krysten Everwood.

I never said a word. I never opened my mouth to speak.

You're deep in this now...

Those chills grew even worse at that voice.

"Are you..." I whispered unconsciously, "are you... wicked?"

This voice was unnerving.

I could be.

Very unnerving...

Maybe that voice was why all of my friends were disappearing.

[Mmkay, for this part, I want you to feel cold like Kris is feeling chills as well as feeling her anxiety as well. I'm not sure if that is doing that right now, though... I know I probably need to use some words conveying cold or chilly things, as well as some short sounding words. (and if you know any words that would be good to use for either of those, please post 'em!) And there's also a difference between two parts: one is kinda sleepy and one is really nervous.

Also, is this part too long or too short? I'm trying to improve on my tendancy to ramble in chapters... *headdesk*]

[Lectori Salutem]

I don't know if I can be of much use, but I can at least give my opinion.

I liked the first part. You described the dream and the feeling that belongs with it very nicely. I could feel what you meant, sleepy (well, I'm sleepy anyway right now^^) but still a bit tense. The part from 'These chills...' untill '...wake up' was somewhat different. It felt as if she was panicking.
Compared to the first half, the second half isn't as good. The tense feeling stops when someone starts talking. After that, it gets back a little, but never as good as in the first half.

Well, I like this as it is already, so you don't need to improve it in my opinion. If you still want to, I suggest to change the begin of the second half (when someone starts talking to her). Don't add to much. It might get boring and scenes like this are the best when they are not too long and a litte vague.

I hope that helped...

[Xuan]

So far, so good.

Constructive criticism, eh? Lemme see...

The part before the 'Voice' was quite entertaining, though not deep enough to feel the cold. If you want people to feel fear, then you should change the word 'boring' to something else. That sorta, crashed that feeling. 'Lifeless' maybe? Sometimes, being somewhere in the middle isn't good. It's better you choose to go funny or go horror. The word 'boring' really stretches the line between horror and funny.

Second, you could either elaborate more about the grey world, or just leave it. I think that part is great.

You seem to put a little, just a little too much of er... Dang i shoulda listen to my teacher... non-dialog lines when the voice started. Cut a little somewhere your choice, and it should be just fine.

Sometimes, if you wanted more constructive criticism, you should try to write longer. It's kinda hard to find something wrong in such a short chapter.

[Neko.May.Cry]

Aww, that was shortsies... but I'l lgive critique anywho. 8D;

I liked the dream sequence, that made me really feel that part. But the whole "cold" feeling was really there. I had that chilling feeling when you said her eyes were wide open, glazed over, etc. Other than that, it's fine, just make it longer which I'm sure you'll do. I always love your intros, so chilling and suspensful. It also helps if the first sentence is attention grabbing, you want to lure readers right in and of course keep the attention grabbing going.

[Takushi Rena]

Originally Posted by Lectori Salutem

I don't know if I can be of much use, but I can at least give my opinion.

I liked the first part. You described the dream and the feeling that belongs with it very nicely. I could feel what you meant, sleepy (well, I'm sleepy anyway right now^^) but still a bit tense. The part from 'These chills...' untill '...wake up' was somewhat different. It felt as if she was panicking.
Compared to the first half, the second half isn't as good. The tense feeling stops when someone starts talking. After that, it gets back a little, but never as good as in the first half.

Well, I like this as it is already, so you don't need to improve it in my opinion. If you still want to, I suggest to change the begin of the second half (when someone starts talking to her). Don't add to much. It might get boring and scenes like this are the best when they are not too long and a litte vague.

I hope that helped...

That helped quite a bit, actually! :] I see what you mean by the first bit feeling tense then sleepy and back and forth. [YAYYY! I GOT THE RIGHT FEELING! *glee*] I'm working on the second part, cause I see what you mean. Shorter sentences are gewd for making things feel tense and that part does lose that tense feeling... >: Thankies for the constructive criticism! ^^

Originally Posted by Xuan

So far, so good.

Constructive criticism, eh? Lemme see...

The part before the 'Voice' was quite entertaining, though not deep enough to feel the cold. If you want people to feel fear, then you should change the word 'boring' to something else. That sorta, crashed that feeling. 'Lifeless' maybe? Sometimes, being somewhere in the middle isn't good. It's better you choose to go funny or go horror. The word 'boring' really stretches the line between horror and funny.

Second, you could either elaborate more about the grey world, or just leave it. I think that part is great.

You seem to put a little, just a little too much of er... Dang i shoulda listen to my teacher... non-dialog lines when the voice started. Cut a little somewhere your choice, and it should be just fine.

Sometimes, if you wanted more constructive criticism, you should try to write longer. It's kinda hard to find something wrong in such a short chapter.

I changed 'boring' and that made a lot of difference. It feels much creepier now, so that's good. 8D; I also describe that dream world better, probably because my friend said I sucked at describing things or something along those lines..., and hopefully that makes things better.

You mean the parts in between the weird voice, right? ...I just added to that part... Oops. xD;

Sorry it's so short! That's actually just the first part of the chapter, since I'm very impatient and wanted to work on that part right when I made this thread. I finished the rest of the chapter, though, so yeah... Thanks very much for the criticism! It's really helpful! :]

Originally Posted by Neko.May.Cry

Aww, that was shortsies... but I'l lgive critique anywho. 8D;

I liked the dream sequence, that made me really feel that part. But the whole "cold" feeling was really there. I had that chilling feeling when you said her eyes were wide open, glazed over, etc. Other than that, it's fine, just make it longer which I'm sure you'll do. I always love your intros, so chilling and suspensful. It also helps if the first sentence is attention grabbing, you want to lure readers right in and of course keep the attention grabbing going.

I'M SORRY IT'S SO SHORT AHHHH *headdesk*

Thankies! 8D; [yayyyy it feels colddd! and chilly!] I added an intro sentence, but I'm not quite sure how attention grabbing it is yet... ^^; I found a tutorial on those, so I'll have to check it again before I say 'ZOMG YAY I GOT AN AWESOME INTRO SENTENCE! *dances*'.

Thank you very much for the constructive criticism! :D I really appreciate it! And I'll keep on working on that part for now. Not sure if I'll post up the improved version on here 'cause that part might be the final draft and if I'm making a thread for ATSW and what not... yeah.

I have the rest of the chapter written up and little parts are bugging me, so I'll post that in a bit. I don't want to seem like I'm begging or being whiny or whatever, hence why I'll wait to post it. 8D;

Again, thanks for the criticism!