I. A disturbance in the calmness of a heart
It seemed like an endless space, littered only with interconnected stained glass-pillars floating around, the realm of a vast, deep heart.
Some glass-pillars depicted different pictures, some the same, but there seemed not to be a clear pattern to them.
On one of these pillars sat the figure of a teenaged boy clad in a pitch black coat with flaky blonde hair.
Holding his knees up to his chest, his arms wrapped around him he didn’t move an inch, his blue eyes just staring into the distance.
He felt limp, limp and dizzy, ever since he had that final conversation with Naminé and then exchanging a final smile with her at the beach of that island through his other half.
Good God, I know we’re incomplete without one another…but still, it hurts not to be myself anymore…and on top of that this eternal calmness here is driving me nuts.
Roxas didn’t know how many times he already had gone through this thought, but it came always down to the same monologue he had with himself very often since he rejoined Sora..
It was supposed he would be resting inside Sora, living on somewhat through the boy who comprised his other half, yet his mind still could not find peace.
His own memories had somehow allowed him to shape a bodily form, as he remembered himself, inside Sora’s heart .
While accepting his fate on the surface, his desire to get an own life for himself was still burning deep within his chest.
It’s not that I’m angry with Sora, or anyone else for that matter…heck, I’ve even forgiven that old fool DiZ, or Ansem, or whatever that revenge-blinded jerk was called.
It’s just, why can’t I live alongside them all, have my own heart…my own, independent life?
Just because I was not born naturally I’m denied everything, despite being my own existence?
He shook his head in frustration, it was always the same thing. For a long time he had also pondered if he even had an own existence, yet he came to the conclusion that because he still posessed an own will, mind and thoughts that he was still Roxas, and not only a simple part of Sora.
I’m inside Sora and yet all my attempts to somehow contact him fail…I don’t know how many times I tried to reach out to him…but my voice never got through…am I already that deep in his heart that he has forgotten me? That every try to draw attention towards me is doomed from the start.
Roxas lifted himself up from the sitting position he had been in for some time…sighed and began dragging himself down one of the stained glass walkways leading away from this platform.
While walking, Roxas asked himself what good it would be to have contact with Sora anyways.
Granting him his deepest, and probably only wish was surely not within Sora’s power, so why?
Just to have somebody to talk to, gosh, we’re half of each other and didn’t even got one opportunity to talk properly.
Screw it, I’ve to admit it, it’s utterly boring just to walk inside Sora’s heart…and I’m feeling incredible lonely…just exchanging some words with someone would already a big relief for me…wait…I said feeling lonely, how stupid is this, I still don’t have a heart…I’m just walking inside one…
Shaking his head in disbelief and annoyance over himself always repeating the same thoughts Roxas reached the next stained-glass platform.
Listening to his own steps on the glassed floor Roxas tried to remember, tried to remember as much from his jokingly short life as he could. He wanted to hold on those memories, cherishing them and at least dreaming of seing his friends again, making new ones, possibly connect his circle of friends to Sora’s, just sitting on that clock tower again having ice-cream.
A single tear went down Roxas’s right cheek.
Other memories came into his mind…the memory skycraper at the World That Never Was, the massive army of neoshadow heartless. The mysterious, blindfolded Organization impostor named Riku, who helped him slay the heartless, yet then turned on him.
Now he remembered Twilight Town…the fake Twilight Town with the data incarnations of friends he never had, where that jerk DiZ had imprisoned him, just to use him for his revenge.
Axel, his best friend who he first didn’t even remember thanks to DiZ and in the end he had to defeat in self-defense…
Naminé, who finally told him the cruel truth, DiZ again, who fueled his rage with cutting remarks about his existence, Sora in his flower-like sleeping pod…the agonizing end of his summer vacation…which was a lie to begin with.
More tears began to fill his eyes, blurring his vision.
Roxas clenched his fist, bent down and slammed it on the glass floor.
“AAARRGH…This is getting me so pissed. Sora, you goddammed spikyhaired jerk, why won’t you heeeeaaar me????”
His voice was swallowed by the vast realm, no echo at all. However, this scream had helped a bit…as Roxas felt a bit calmer now.
He got up again, heavily panting. Man…I hate this helplessness, if I would only know in which part of Sora’s heart I’m now and in which I need to go to have a chance to make contact with him…
Roxas resumed his walking, letting this glass-pillar behind him getting on the next walkway leading through the abyss of Sora’s heart.
More memories came to him, now of the time after his summer vacation ended…he shedding tears inside Sora when he said good bye to the real Hayner, Pence and Olette, god, how this had hurt at that time, it was so intense one tear even slipped out of Sora’s eye, which his companions noticed with befuzzlement.
Shortly after that he went to sleep and didn’t know anything until he awakened completely just to see Axel fading into darkness, making his last speech of loyalty and affection for him, and Sora couldn’t even understand the true significance, while he himself was so in shock inside Sora that he couldn’t even cry.
Not long after that, there was the only real confrontation he ever had with his other half. Blinded by rage because of Axel, anxious as hell why he was chosen by the keyblade and wanting an own life Roxas remembered himself starting a fight.
At first he dominated the battlefield with his dual keyblades, after understanding why the keyblade choose him he managed even to knock Sora’s Kingdom Key away and have him at bladepoint, but he just reached out with his hand and the keyblade returned to him with a flash.
I was so shocked…I couldn’t even react…and then he struck me down. He surely is the keyblade’s true chosen one…I was just a nobody holding half of his power…
The young blonde gritted his teeth. Now I’m pulling myself down again, stupid me…
Then the final battle against Xemnas, the Superior of Organization XIII, who had only used him from the very day he was born, and like everyone of the Org besides Axel, never truly cared only a bit about him.
He, Roxas, was just a tool to collect hearts for Xemnas’ twisted artificial Kingdom Hearts.
Only a tool, never meant to exist but luckily available, cast aside once not needed anymore or when it became too difficult to control…
Struggling to hold back more tears he remembered how the final battle unfolded.
Watching from the inside of Sora he actually enjoyed how Riku and his other half beated the crap out of Xemnas with his stupid arrogance and egoism.
But for himself, all that was left now is to walk through the depths of Sora’s heart in an always silent, eerie atmosphere, contemplating on what to do in order for not going mad…
Roxas shook his head again…don’t let despair get a hold on you he scolded himself, someday you will reach Sora and then tell him off for ignoring you that long.
As his chain of thoughts ended, so did the walkway. He had reached another stained glass-platform.
It was not all that different from the last…however, a cold, short gust of wind suddenly swept across the platform, slightly puzzling the young blonde.
“What was that…up to now there never was…”
The tone of his own voice came strange to Roxas’s ears, had he really just spoken his thoughts out loud? Or did he just imagined it.
Looking around to check if there was any different thing than usual, Roxas suddenly jumped in surprise…another gust of wind blew, and faintly, very low, he heard a noise.
What the heck? Am I going crazy? What was that?
He summoned all courage he could muster, and warily moved to the center of the platform.
Expecting it, Roxas was not surprised when the third gust came, and he focused intensely to hear if his solitude had played a trick on him.
However a cold feeling ran down his spine and made Roxas shiver as he heard it again…that noise, a shockingly weak, almost shy sob.
He hadn’t imagined it.
Alright, that’s it. Seems I’ve finally lost it…that was a sob for sure…but how is this possible? Is Sora sad? Are those afterimages of his feelings reaching that way down his heart?
No, I can’t decipher it…should I go back the way I came? As I see now, I never went to this part before.
“Damn it Sora, why has your heart to be that big and maze-like.” Roxas growled aloud swirling around checking his surroundings anew.
“Wait…what’s that?” Now he noticed it, there was another walkway leading away from this platform, but strangely, it did not have the same glass-pattern as the others Roxas had walked so far.
Instead, it looked more bright, but also had some cracks in it and just felt somehow creepy as it really differed from the other structures he had seen here so far.
Should I go investigate it? I mean, it is strange, but also intriguing.
Alright then…this is Sora’s heart after all, so there should be nothing really to fear. If I would come close to the dark parts of Sora’s heart I should detect it.
Time to end the boredom…beware my other half, I’m going to explore a bit now…
As he stepped forward however, another gust of wind blew, and this time, directly in his face.
Roxas gasped as the cold air hit him, was he actually feeling the cold sensation?
Again, a faint sob could be heard.
It sounds so very sad…is someone or something suffering over there?
Roxas slapped his left hand against his own forehead.
You dumbass…what are you thinking, there’s no one here beside you…
He had now reached the strange walkway…and another, more powerful gust of wind came along…flowing over Roxas’s entire figure.
The sob sounded almost despaired this time and it was as if invisible hands were weakly trying to push him back.
Now that does it…this was nothing that could be explained otherwise, there has to be something. Maybe this is a section so deep inside Sora’s heart that even he is not aware of it.
Now that he had made up his mind, Roxas stepped forward with determined steps. As he got further, the gusts of wind began to intensify and blew more often, but their power did not increase. Everytime there was also that faint sob noise, and Roxas really began to feel awkward.
My god, what is this? Is this even Sora’s heart anymore? The atmosphere is completely different, and all platforms I’ve seen were broken.
The air is heavy and littered with sadness, pain and fear…all around…I’m beginning to worry a bit…uuuuh? WHAT?
Roxas stiffened in shock, his eyes and mouth wide open.