The New Angel

[I_LUV_SQUARE]

This is my first fanfic. Its a D.N.Angel fanfic that happens 20 years after the series ends. Please read and enjoy and coment! I would really apprieciate any advice you could offer me.

Prologue

Birth

After hours of screaming, pain, and waiting, a baby started crying in the room behind where Daisuke was sitting. The doctor that had been with Riku came out of the door.

"Daisuke Niwa, your child is a boy. You may come in now." Daisuke followed him back into the room, where Riku was laying, the baby still crying.

"I can't believe it, i knew it was coming, but i had no idea it would feel like this to be a parent," Daisuke said, holding Riku's hand. "I'm sorry i couldn't be in here, it just made me sick."

"That's ok," Riku said, panting. "At least we are a real family now." She said, smiling. Then the room went quiet, something was wrong. The doctor came back to where they were with a very sad look on his face.

“I’m sorry Mr. and Mrs. Niwa, but your son has just lost his life.” the doctor said, walking towards the couple.

“What? How is that possible? We were sure it was healthy.” Daisuke and Riku had tears in their eyes.

“It had just started to sufficate before birth it seems, we are very sorry for the loss of your first child.” The doctor too, was about to cry.

“Oh no, I am NOT letting this happen to you, not after what I’ve put you through,” said a voice that only Daisuke could hear.

“Dark? Is that you? I thought you were sealed in that art…” Daisuke thought.

“Remember that promise that we made, always a part of each other? That’s what broke it. I’ll see you in a while Dad, but I might not remember much, this is the first time I’ve tried this.”

“Huh, Dad? What are you…” but before he could finish his thought, a purple light engulfed the entire room. When it was gone, the still body of the Niwas’ son started to move and cry out. Its red hair and brown eyes were replaced with a Dark Mousy’s trademark purple. Everyone was stunned for a moment, then Daisuke realized what had happened.

“Thank you Dark, this means the world to us, really,” Daisuke thought, almost crying again.

“Derek, after Dark, his DNA must still be with yours, it’s no surprise that he looks like him.” Riku didn’t know what had happened, but her eyes were filled with tears of joy, so Daisuke couldn’t bear to tell her.

“I guess he was just asleep, I’m glad he survived,” the doctor said, thoroughly confused.

The friend that Daisuke had had since he was 14, who had been sealed away inside the Black Wings several years before was back, and he was now his and Riku’s son.

[Nelo Angelo]

Not bad Jen, its got me interested.
Make sure to have longer chapters though, its a good start, keep at it.

[I_LUV_SQUARE]

this wasnt a chapter, it was just how Dark Mousy came back after being sealed, the chapters are longer

[All-Star Gamer]

Oh... uh, oh my. But this is... well, not really the best I've seen from some beginners.

Well Jen, first thing's first. It looks more like a script than an actual story, as it consists of mostly dialog. You need to increase the detail more, which means writing a lot more, detailing settings, actions, emotions, etc. People won't get everything your trying to convey from just dialog.

And you're clumping your lines. It's not a big problem as it is now, but as you add more and more detail to it, if you don't seperate your paragraphs, it will look intimidating and unappealing to the reader. You should be sure to hit the enter key at least twice before you start your next paragraph.


Don't get discouraged or anything. With practice and some dedication, you can make some major progress. Keep trying!

[I_LUV_SQUARE]

well, this is why i wanted to put it here, thanks

[dexter906]

its good but it could be a little more specfic and can u lets say put a identifer because it was hard to keep track of who was talking for example here is a good identifer
Dereck:
like that but besides that it was good keep em coming

[I_LUV_SQUARE]

that comes after what they are saying usualy

[Gildragon]

you need to re work the beginning. everyone would have been able to tell if the baby was BORN still. if it wasn't crying when it came out of the womb the doctor wouldn't have had to tell anyone that is was dead.

[I_LUV_SQUARE]

actualy, my dad was asleep when he was born, so he didnt cry or anything, at least thats what my grandma told me, but thats how i got it, but ill change it, thanks

[Gildragon]

^ yeah but in writing you need to be clear. It would be bette if you explained the events during birth

[I_LUV_SQUARE]

i changed it, is it any better? or do i need to put more in? i really apprieciate this advice

[Gildragon]

you know. dead is dead. I would just say dead. Remember the parents are there. instead of him informing them have him pronounce the baby dead. The parents would probably be able to tell he was dead. you need to add more before that line

[I_LUV_SQUARE]

ok, i changed it again, is this any better?

[Nelo Angelo]

That is much better Jen, it really is. And thanks for spoiling some stuff for me >.<
lol. its ok, gonna watch the rest of that anime.

[Gildragon]

good. that's an improvement. Keep working on it