My 2 Poems

Engulfed · 03/16/06, 05:47 AM

A'ight. My local library is holding a poetry contest. I write songs, so I decided that I should submit something because:
1st Place: $100
2nd Place: $75
3rd Place: $50

So I've narrowed it down to two choice: "Unwriteable" and "Heartless" (No, not the Kingdom Hearts ones

). I can't decide, so I made this poll. Which do you think I should subit? I love them equally so it's insanely hard to choose.
(Oh, and BTW: The rules are that it must be 14 lines or less, which is why these are so short)

UNWRITEABLE
There's a shadow in my heart
Unremoveable
To Remind of what I've done
Unthinkable
Still I loathe myself inside
Unforgiveable, Unreedeemable, Unacceptable
But to know that you'd still want me
Unfathomable
You're heart and soul are larger than life
Unimaginable, Unbelieveable, Unending
And Yet all my feelings are...
Unwriteable

OR

HEARTLESS
There is Nothing in my Hollow Chest,
To let me feel glad or depressed
I have abandoned my own soul,
Now it seems I'm always alone
Give me a reason why I should stay,
No one here likes me anyway

I Melt away in Solitude,
Engulfed in Abyss and Void
I run from Redemption's Shining Light,
They call me Paranoid

So which out of these two do you like more?
( If you like neither, please don't reply saying "You suck" or "They sux". I'd rather not read that, a'ight? )

quitejaded · 03/16/06, 07:05 AM

Okay, well...

Enter the 2nd one. But FIX IT!

Would you like some constructive criticism? I would change a lot if it were my poem. To me, it's not worthy of 100 buckeronis.

Engulfed · 03/16/06, 07:07 AM

Sure, you're a pretty good person and I'd respect your opinion.

quitejaded · 03/16/06, 07:14 AM

First, which one do you personally like better?

I HATED the first one because it had no rhyme or coherence or anything. It looks like you wrote it off the top of your head in 5 minutes. Infact, I'm ready to assume that these are your first drafts.

And when do you have to turn the poem in?

HEARTLESS
There is Nothing in my Hollow Chest,
To let me feel glad or depressed
I have abandoned my own soul,
Now it seems I'm always alone
Give me a reason why I should stay,
No one here likes me anyway <--- RUINED THE WHOLE MOOD

I Melt away in Solitude,
Engulfed in Abyss and Void
I run from Redemption's Shining Light,
They call me Paranoid <--- COME AGAIN? I DON'T FOLLOW

What are you trying to convey in this poem? Depression? Paranoia?
Why did you title it HEARTLESS?

Engulfed · 03/16/06, 07:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by quitejaded

First, which one do you personally like better?

I HATED the first one because it had no rhyme or coherence or anything. It looks like you wrote it off the top of your head in 5 minutes. Infact, I'm ready to assume that these are your first drafts.

And when do you have to turn the poem in?

HEARTLESS
There is Nothing in my Hollow Chest,
To let me feel glad or depressed
I have abandoned my own soul,
Now it seems I'm always alone
Give me a reason why I should stay,
No one here likes me anyway <--- RUINED THE WHOLE MOOD

I Melt away in Solitude,
Engulfed in Abyss and Void
I run from Redemption's Shining Light,
They call me Paranoid <--- COME AGAIN? I DON'T FOLLOW

What are you trying to convey in this poem? Depression? Paranoia?
Why did you title it HEARTLESS?

Heh, I didn't write the first one off the top of my head...it took me a while to think it all out, since it was about a girl I knew. And not all poems have to rhyme

Anyway, thanks for the ideas.
The way I see it, "HEARTLESS" is about a guy who is depressed and paranoid.
He seems so disconnected with everything in life. The people he knew, the feelings he felt. He lost his empathy towards living.

He's also alone. No one likes him where he is, they all call him paranoid.
So he decides to "Melt away". Dissolve into nothingness and run from the Light of being forgiven for his apathy.

Heh, I'm just one of those writers who like to convey a lot of information with a small amount of words.

EDIT: Oh, and I called it "Heartless" because of his apathy. He lost interest in life and wants to just dissapear.

quitejaded · 03/16/06, 07:27 AM

Okay, you know what I got out of it?

I got a person who was depressed and empty. Period.

If you have a point you want to get across, you need to make sure you get it across.

P.S. I know poems don't have to rhyme. I was saying that the first one had nothing going for it. Atleast crappy poems that rhyme are 'cute'. :3

Engulfed · 03/16/06, 07:30 AM

Well, yeah. He's depressed and empy- that's just about the jist of it <Shrugs>
And I'd expect most people on the fourms to not like "Unwriteable", heh.
Most people here are desensitized anyway

jk
Oh, and it's difficult to make a point across so obviously in a "14 lines or less" poem ^_^

Still, thank you very much for your insight.

**Dawning Twilight** · 03/16/06, 01:51 PM

heh heh you suck JK anyways i liked both of them. i like seeing others writting poems yay! ^^

McFluffy · 03/16/06, 09:33 PM

yeah, i liked bolth of them... they were good, keep writing.

Engulfed · 03/17/06, 12:46 AM

Thanks DT and MF! ^_^
It's funny- right now, "Heartless" gets two votes, while "Unwriteable" gets none.
I asked my friends yesterday...four of them said "Unwriteable" and only one said "Heartless".

>_< GAAH! It's so hard to choose!
Unwriteable was the very first poem I ever wrote, while Heartless was one I just whipped up a few days ago. Weird, huh?

View Poll Results: Which one?
Unwriteable	0	0%
Heartless	2	100.00%
Voters: 2. You may not vote on this poll

03/16/06, 05:47 AM	#1
Engulfed VEGETARIAN Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: <Insert witty pun here> Age: 17 Posts: 2,273 Rep Power: 6	My 2 Poems A'ight. My local library is holding a poetry contest. I write songs, so I decided that I should submit something because: 1st Place: $100 2nd Place: $75 3rd Place: $50 So I've narrowed it down to two choice: "Unwriteable" and "Heartless" (No, not the Kingdom Hearts ones ). I can't decide, so I made this poll. Which do you think I should subit? I love them equally so it's insanely hard to choose. (Oh, and BTW: The rules are that it must be 14 lines or less, which is why these are so short) UNWRITEABLE There's a shadow in my heart Unremoveable To Remind of what I've done Unthinkable Still I loathe myself inside Unforgiveable, Unreedeemable, Unacceptable But to know that you'd still want me Unfathomable You're heart and soul are larger than life Unimaginable, Unbelieveable, Unending And Yet all my feelings are... Unwriteable OR HEARTLESS There is Nothing in my Hollow Chest, To let me feel glad or depressed I have abandoned my own soul, Now it seems I'm always alone Give me a reason why I should stay, No one here likes me anyway I Melt away in Solitude, Engulfed in Abyss and Void I run from Redemption's Shining Light, They call me Paranoid So which out of these two do you like more? ( If you like neither, please don't reply saying "You suck" or "They sux". I'd rather not read that, a'ight? ) Last edited by Engulfed; 03/16/06 at 07:08 AM.

03/16/06, 07:05 AM	#2
quitejaded I Do Phoenix. Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Texas, USA Age: 20 Posts: 2,977 Rep Power: 6	Re: My 2 Poems Okay, well... Enter the 2nd one. But FIX IT! Would you like some constructive criticism? I would change a lot if it were my poem. To me, it's not worthy of 100 buckeronis.

03/16/06, 07:07 AM	#3
Engulfed VEGETARIAN Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: <Insert witty pun here> Age: 17 Posts: 2,273 Rep Power: 6	Re: My 2 Poems Sure, you're a pretty good person and I'd respect your opinion.

03/16/06, 07:14 AM	#4
quitejaded I Do Phoenix. Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Texas, USA Age: 20 Posts: 2,977 Rep Power: 6	Re: My 2 Poems First, which one do you personally like better? I HATED the first one because it had no rhyme or coherence or anything. It looks like you wrote it off the top of your head in 5 minutes. Infact, I'm ready to assume that these are your first drafts. And when do you have to turn the poem in? HEARTLESS There is Nothing in my Hollow Chest, To let me feel glad or depressed I have abandoned my own soul, Now it seems I'm always alone Give me a reason why I should stay, No one here likes me anyway <--- RUINED THE WHOLE MOOD I Melt away in Solitude, Engulfed in Abyss and Void I run from Redemption's Shining Light, They call me Paranoid <--- COME AGAIN? I DON'T FOLLOW What are you trying to convey in this poem? Depression? Paranoia? Why did you title it HEARTLESS?

03/16/06, 07:27 AM	#6
quitejaded I Do Phoenix. Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Texas, USA Age: 20 Posts: 2,977 Rep Power: 6	Re: My 2 Poems Okay, you know what I got out of it? I got a person who was depressed and empty. Period. If you have a point you want to get across, you need to make sure you get it across. P.S. I know poems don't have to rhyme. I was saying that the first one had nothing going for it. Atleast crappy poems that rhyme are 'cute'. :3

03/16/06, 07:30 AM	#7
Engulfed VEGETARIAN Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: <Insert witty pun here> Age: 17 Posts: 2,273 Rep Power: 6	Re: My 2 Poems Well, yeah. He's depressed and empy- that's just about the jist of it <Shrugs> And I'd expect most people on the fourms to not like "Unwriteable", heh. Most people here are desensitized anyway jk Oh, and it's difficult to make a point across so obviously in a "14 lines or less" poem ^_^ Still, thank you very much for your insight. Last edited by Engulfed; 03/16/06 at 07:36 AM.

03/16/06, 01:51 PM	#8
Dawning Twilight The Egotistical Bastard Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Making Out With DT Cause He's So Damn Sexy =D Age: 20 Posts: 6,155 Rep Power: 13	Re: My 2 Poems heh heh you suck JK anyways i liked both of them. i like seeing others writting poems yay! ^^

03/16/06, 09:33 PM	#9
McFluffy Warrior of Light Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: With you..... Age: 16 Posts: 557 Rep Power: 0	Re: My 2 Poems yeah, i liked bolth of them... they were good, keep writing.

03/17/06, 12:46 AM	#10
Engulfed VEGETARIAN Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: <Insert witty pun here> Age: 17 Posts: 2,273 Rep Power: 6	Re: My 2 Poems Thanks DT and MF! ^_^ It's funny- right now, "Heartless" gets two votes, while "Unwriteable" gets none. I asked my friends yesterday...four of them said "Unwriteable" and only one said "Heartless". >_< GAAH! It's so hard to choose! Unwriteable was the very first poem I ever wrote, while Heartless was one I just whipped up a few days ago. Weird, huh?

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