The Smiling Man

[OmniChaos]

As of late, I've been working on a character known as the Smiling Man who I have planned to reoccur very often in my works. Now, even though most of these works are roleplaying-related, there will be plenty of short works that he'll appear in to add more to his ever-growing story and so on. This is the first of these stories.

[Auron0521]

Well, I have to say, at first, I wasn't interested in this purely because of the name "The Smiling Man". I didn't think this character would be very interesting at all.

Then I read the man's story.

I have to say, he is one of the most interesting characters I have ever had the pleasure to read about. You portrayed the fear in the Narrator very well, how even the Devil would pale in comparison to this single entity. The setting was built quite well, as you built the setting into the story rather than the story into the setting. I hope to see larger works involving this "Smiling Man" in the future.

[OmniChaos]

Thank you. He's my little pride and joy who is a result of years of character building and may be, or at least I'd like to think, my magnum opus, at least where characters are concerned.

As for the Smiling Man, you can expect a plenty more stories to come, each revealing a little bit more of his story, as well as revealing a little more about who he is, what he is, what he can do, and what he plans on doing.

[OmniChaos]

Figured it'd just be easier to keep it in this thread, rather than splitting them up, so I added another short piece to give a bit of a look into the Smiling Man's mind.

[Auron0521]

Well, I was looking forward to this, and I'm glad you kept it in the same thread. Makes it easier to look at them both. Anyway, I really like how this one was written from The Smiling Man's point of view. It gives some really great insight into his character. I may be wrong about this, but I now believe he's at least partially insane, considering how he kept repeating things over and over, sometimes rephrasing entire sentences and just rambling on like that. This person/thing is one of the few villains I've ever liked (assuming he's a villain, which from the way he talks, there's a 96.3% chance he is). Anyway, I really liked this, and look forward to the third installment, OmniChaos!

[kairi_angel]

Alright, well, I finished reading this, I'll do the overall at the end of it but I really didn't find TOO much wrong with it, I'm just really picky with flow stuff and all that. Let's do this.

This is definitely interesting, but I feel like some of the dialogue was unnatural and felt very distant from the characters. The characters themselves, including the speaker, don't really have character traits, other than the Smiling Man, shown through another person, which was done well, I will add, but the officer and the priest, for example, exist only to keep this man blabbing on. Now, the speaker does show EMOTION, which helps, but due to his situation, anyone would. But as a reader, why do I care about this guy? I mean without an arm and leg, what does that mean for him? It's just random things I think about.

I already made my rant about the screenplay thing but I just can't shake it. It's just a very odd choice to have pure dialogue to me, personally. There's so much stripped away when you only give it voice. It reads like a script but I'm not sure that's what you were trying to do... Giving characters action, description, expression, it gives them LIFE.

Definitely keep writing more, just perhaps take a new stance on it? This was a pretty good read, I just couldn't shake that script feel I got.

[landseasky5412]

Hey there (:

Here's the critique you requested back in the critique request thread. First of all, I really like the idea of having a central character that reappears in a series of short stories/entries. I dig it, bro.

OVERALL:

I don't know where to begin. The little characterization present in the dialogue/piece was executed rather well. Of course, some sections were awkward and didn't seem very natural and there were, surely, grammatical errors that needed to be fixed.

The Smiling Man was probably the best character you had, and he wasn't even really "present" in the story. You needed to develop the victim, the detective, and the Father MORE than you did. It was like you did the bare minimum. We can't, as readers, care about the people I just mentioned because we don't know anything about them. Not a single thing. We only know that one man lost both his leg and his arm. That's it. This is a big problem if this is meant to be any form of prose (be it screen play, short story, whatever).

A lot of the unnecessary elipses could have easily been omitted and still manage to retain the integrity of the sentence or phrase. This, in turn, could have easily allowed you to describe a scene, our characters, and their reactions. There were just a lot of missed opportunities and it was kind of frustrating because you know how to tell a story (you did so just through dialogue) but it just wasn't executed properly at all.

The story started out strong until I realized that it was nothing but elipses and quotation marks for characters. From what I read, I managed to create some characters that you're more than welcome to mold and use to your heart's content because I'm here to help you. All I want to do is help you and allow you to become a better writter; I don't want to put you down but I know you can do better.

Here a just a few characters:

The Victim: I won't give him a name because I'm sure you can. He's a pretty average guy living in NYC. He lives alone and only has one friend (the one mentioned earlier) and only wishes the best for him. Sometimes his temper and language can land him in certain situations that he may not want to be in. He builds himself up as a hotshot, a force to be reckoned with, but he shrinks down to nothing when he's surely lost.

This event has certainly left him rattled and feeling utterly alone because no one really understands or believes his story.

The Detective: He's only really here to try and find out what happened to this man. The call was so unusual because of the story the man was reciting. Of course bad things happen in NYC all the time, but this intreagued him. At first, he's dismayed by the outright absurdity of the story, but towards the end he begins to believe there is more going on than meets the eye.

The Father: A priest who knows the victim. One of the few people the victim confides in due to his lonliness. Religious man who arrives to comfort the victim and also attempt to find out what happened. Was it the work of the Devil?

There you go. Three skeletons for characters. Go for it

The Score?

2.5/5 = It just seems incomplete right now. It needs work in terms of detail, characters, and grammar.

[OmniChaos]

This is definitely interesting, but I feel like some of the dialogue was unnatural and felt very distant from the characters. The characters themselves, including the speaker, don't really have character traits, other than the Smiling Man, shown through another person, which was done well, I will add, but the officer and the priest, for example, exist only to keep this man blabbing on. Now, the speaker does show EMOTION, which helps, but due to his situation, anyone would. But as a reader, why do I care about this guy? I mean without an arm and leg, what does that mean for him? It's just random things I think about.

I already made my rant about the screenplay thing but I just can't shake it. It's just a very odd choice to have pure dialogue to me, personally. There's so much stripped away when you only give it voice. It reads like a script but I'm not sure that's what you were trying to do... Giving characters action, description, expression, it gives them LIFE.

Definitely keep writing more, just perhaps take a new stance on it? This was a pretty good read, I just couldn't shake that script feel I got.

Yeah, I was aiming for a psudeo-script, you could say. Almost as if another person was listening in on the conversation from outside the room, unable to see the characters' reactions and movements.

I understand it's a bit of an odd writing style and sacrifices a great deal of detail and character reactions/thoughts in the process, but I wanted to experiment and give it a try. I wanted to (and still plan to) reach outside my comfort zone and play with different styles, taking what I gained from writing it--in this case, the ability to better tell events and emotions through dialogue--and apply them to my base writing style.


Anyhow, thank you for both of your critiques. I appreciate you taking the time to read it.

[landseasky5412]

I really appreciate the fact that you're trying to reach outside of your comfort zone: kudos for that!

I think you can clearly see that you can write a very decent story through the dialogue of others; however, you cannot sacrifice grammar and mechanics for content. You need to find that balance with the both. I hope that you didn't take either of our critiques too harshly; we both a saw a great deal of potential that was kind of lost as a result of venturing, perhaps, too far from your comfort zone.

Either way, thank you for placing the request in the thread and I hope to see more from you!

[OmniChaos]

Haha, na, I took no offense. After all, I requested the critique and responding as if attacked would simply be petulant on my end. More people in this section needs to have their toes stepped on--metaphorically speaking, of course. Though I venture there are some that could need it literally, but I digress.

Anywho, I'll definately request again once I get around to revising/restarting Tinkertoys & Tiddlywinks, which will continue the Smiling Man's story and--I'm sure you'll be pleased--more detail than this story.

[kairi_angel]

Yeah, I was aiming for a psudeo-script, you could say. Almost as if another person was listening in on the conversation from outside the room, unable to see the characters' reactions and movements.

I understand it's a bit of an odd writing style and sacrifices a great deal of detail and character reactions/thoughts in the process, but I wanted to experiment and give it a try. I wanted to (and still plan to) reach outside my comfort zone and play with different styles, taking what I gained from writing it--in this case, the ability to better tell events and emotions through dialogue--and apply them to my base writing style.


Anyhow, thank you for both of your critiques. I appreciate you taking the time to read it.

Even then, the more I thought about it, post-posting [... which i'm never saying again], it felt like a trailer almost. Like these people don't really matter that much, and they're just introducing big bad smiley and shit. It just felt too movie-ish to me. Like while this random douchebag's talking we see the Smiling Man doing shit and diddlying with people. Which was very interesting and would definitely draw people in, so this guy just keeps talking, explaining.

But, even then, with your example of someone listening in, there can still be sighing, pauses, shaking, chairs being moved, steps being heard, movement.

[OmniChaos]

Ah, but this is where the beauty of it comes in.

By itself, the piece does seem rather unimportant apart from introducing the Smiling Man, which, really, it is. However, this is but a small fragment of the Smiling Man's story, and, without the respective puzzle piece, the greater image cannot be seen. Right now, the story of the victim's run-in with the Smiling Man serves as a cause, of sort. Alone, it proves an interesting story, but appears irrelevant and otherwise random.

Except there is nothing random about it. It wasn't chance that the victim was paid a visit by the Smiling Man. Everything he does, he does so for a reason, one that builds toward his ultimate goal. The end result of the Smiling Man's visit, our effect, remains to be unseen, for now. However, this story will, very subtly, be tied into another and the true importance of this fated encounter--as well as the victim's identity and the significant role he would have played--will be revealed.

As I said, there's a method to my madness.