On a certain continent, in a certain country, there was a certain forest, in which was a certain hut. (1) The hut was small, barely large enough for a single person, and crafted
simply,(2) out of mud and wood.
(1) Now, I will say I do kind of like the zoom in effect that I believe you're going for here, but this kind of just seems repetitive. Perhaps just leave one certain to the hut. That way, it seems important but just an ordinary hut. When I read this sentence I imagine a camera zooming comically in towards this hut. Plus maybe it starts out too wide? A continent seems a bit big to me. I say leave it at the country, forest, then hut. And while we're at that topic, what kind of area is this place? Just a normal plain? Or mountainous, hot, cold, whatever it could be. You give us a sort of setting but maybe flesh this out more. Also the phrase “in which was” is a bit silly. Say that aloud. i
(2) Omit simply and the comma. Breaks it up more than it needs to be. Also perhaps add clay into the supplies? Maybe a thatch roof?
One day, I
happened upon (1)this hut in
the course of (2) my
travels. Night was encroaching, and I was weary and sore. Unable to go any further, [(3) I walked up to the hut, and knocked on the door.
(1) stumbled perhaps works more I think, with the character's state. I'm not sure, but I'm not fond of happened upon, maybe ignore this one, it's up to you, it just seems a bit choppy?
(2) Omit. It's good to have a balance of simplifying things when necessary and giving information when necessary. Considering this is in first person, also think about how they're talking. They're apparently telling us the story. Try reading it aloud, seeing what sounds choppy and strange when spoken rather than typed. You notice a LOT of errors this way I've found.
(3) I hate to rewrite an entire sentence but really it's just a punctuation thing.
“One day on my travels, I happened upon this small hut in my travels, with night quickly encroaching. Weary and sore, I was unable to go much further. I managed to walk to the door and knock on it.”
I don't know, maybe something like that?
Also I'm not 100% but maybe combine the next couple lines.
At first, there was no response. I waited a moment, and heard not a sound.
I was about to walk away and make camp for the night (1), when the door opened, and an elderly man greeted me with a smile.
(1) Honestly I don't understand why he wouldn't think the hut was abandoned and just use it for the night. If there's no smoke, no lights coming from it, why not? [You could hint that this was the case, considering later there's a fireplace going, and an old man bumbling about, etc.] I don't see why it has to seem like no one's there.
"I found myself here right when I was in a bind as to where to spend the night, sir. I seem to have found my luck today," I chuckled. The older gentleman nodded knowingly.
This is what I mean by saying things out loud rather than just reading in your head. “in a bind as to where” Make it flow, give him a voice, desperation. He's on his last steps, make it seem that way.
"Yes, yes. Won't you come in and rest the night?" he invited.(1) I removed my hat and stepped inside the hut.(2) As I had suspected, the simple addition of one man made the place feel very crowded.
The hut was a single, four-walled room. Opposite the door was a small fireplace, with a built-in stove. To the left wall was a bookcase, and by the other, the man's bed. In the middle of the room was a small, square table, situated low to the ground. (3)
(1) Now, okay, see, you say that the place can barely fit 1 person, this old man obviously knows this. Why would he invite this guy in a place that can barely fit a man walking around in this room?
(2) Say thank you, jeez. RUDE. Hahahaha. But, no, I think the person thanking him before stepping in and taking a good look around is a bit more natural than saying it as he's sitting down like he owns the place.
(3) Alright first off, this is what we call an information dump. You just hand us all this information when you can show it through action of the characters, walking to the left side of the table in the center, etc. Also it's another punctuation thing regardless if you want to keep it how it is. Not all information dumps are bad but this is just kind of plopped in the wrong place I think as I state above. Second, huts, at least when made with clay and a thatched roof and all that, it's round. Minor thing, yeah, but it kind of matters. You also note that how cramped it is but kind of don't really realize how much you really can fit in a hut. It's usually just enough for a small table, a bed and something else, and a kettle/stove thingy with a chimney coming out. Yeah, they could probably have a bookshelf, but a small tiny one with like 50 books tops crammed in there, I don't know, it's something to think about. Anyways. Rewrote it with some added description.
Ducking my head through the doorway, I felt the warmth of the fire from the other side of the room on my cheeks. The man gestured me to have a seat at the low table in the middle of the room, to make myself at home and I nodded in appreciation and obeyed. I noticed there was only one bed and I felt a bit disappointed though I knew it was obvious. It was no matter, though; in my travels I've become used to sleeping against walls. There was a good spot between the stove and shelves crammed with old books that would fit my needs quite nicely, too.
Notice how I gave these two a bit more human like nature, atmosphere, a tiny glimpse of character description [he's tall now?] and just giving everything a bit more meat to it. Also, I don't like that he didn't notice a pot in front of him. It's a small room and the stove was directly in front of him. How can you miss that?
The gentleman poured me a glass of water from a jug by the fireplace, and I took it gladly.
"Thank you for your kindness. It's quite a cozy home you have," I commented, indicating the various aspects of the room. Pouring himself a glass, my host took a seat opposite me.
"Yes, it is fine for a single person. However, I'm afraid I've nowhere for you to sleep," he explained, pointing to the only bed in the room. I shook my head, understanding.
One, by the fireplace is a TERRIBLE place to leave the drink water. It gets warm. But maybe you could note about that? Two, now this place is cozy? This is a tiny little hut that isn't meant for anything else but living. Not hospitality which is obvious by the last line which kind of explains why this guy doesn't get visitors, it just doesn't make sense. Maybe say it seems bigger on the inside, something, but if you're going to say something's small, keep it small, don't make it bigger when convenient.
"It's fine, sir. I've slept against walls before. Just what you've done already is more than enough," I said. As I spoke, I could already feel sleep's warm grasp taking hold of my senses, and I let out a loud yawn. Realizing my rudeness, I rose from the table and bowed to my host.
”You've done more than enough already” is more natural and I don't really understand why he's bowing... What kind of country is this. Even the Japanese don't do this. If it was that kind of thing he would have bowed to the kupoin' ground before when he was let into the man's house.
I studied the bookcase out of slight interest, and learned that my night's host was well-read in both classics and science.
Eh, I just think “noticed” or “noted” my host's blahblah [omitting “that”] and inserting “the” in front of classics.
Knowing not where my host had gone, and in a rush to continue my journey, I left the hut and hiked off in the direction I had been headed the day before. Being unhindered by personal affects, I made quick headway.
[combine]
Rather, I thought I was making headway. However, as the day continued on, I noticed I was passing by landmarks I had noted the previous day. Just as night fell and my limbs began to ache, I happened upon a clearing which held a familiar sight.
I'm too lazy for coding towards the end of this hahahahaha.
Anyways, “not knowing” instead of “knowing not”, something else than hiked, combine the two paragraphs, and something more natural. “I thought I was making great progress, but as the day went on, blahblah” and there's happened upon again asdlfkj I still don't like it. And I mean yeah it's the same hut but do we need to hear the same thing again.
Re: A Certain Hut
Spoiler: bluh bluh huge post
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