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Re: Savage Stars
Old October 22nd, 2009, 05:30 PM   #16
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Default Re: Savage Stars

I didn't know about hte last sign... and they're not dead!

Writing is much better. And is the person in the convenience store 13?
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Re: Savage Stars
Old October 22nd, 2009, 09:00 PM   #17
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Default Re: Savage Stars

You just like throwing curveballs, don't you?

I really liked this chapter. And I never knew about the thirteenth sign before either. This is interesting. So what's the 13th's power? Healing? And I agree with madammina; I think that the guy in the convenience store might be him.

Looking forward to the explanation. ^_^
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Re: Savage Stars
Old October 23rd, 2009, 04:59 AM   #18
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Default Re: Savage Stars

Well him staring at his veins has a lot to do with what happened in the store.
As to who he is, you might be right, but that's a surprise.

I'm just glad to be writing again and I'm glad that you are enjoying it.
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Re: Savage Stars
Old October 28th, 2009, 06:49 AM   #19
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Default Re: Savage Stars

Earlier today, my power at home went out five times within one hour. Strong winds out of nowhere.
So to the best of my ability, here is the next chapter.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scorpio stood at the doorway waiting to leave. Leo grabbed his swords and strapped them to his back. Gemini took his old wallet from his back pocket. He emptied it of its contents and left it behind in the room. Together again, the three left on a journey to meet someone they hadn't seen in quite some time.

Brittle Apocalypse
Chapter 3: Fates Converge

The man sat at the bar alone watching his glass precipitate slowly. His eyes remained transfixed on the amber liquid filling the mug while watching bubbles rise to the surface. As he took a sip, he relished the low burning sensation it created in his throat. It was the most alive he had felt in years. His left rose to his neck and he grasped it gently, rubbing while deep in thought. What happened back then? I shouldn't be alive.

He removed his hand. The low light was just enough to illuminate a scar on his neck. It ran all the way around as if he had been decapitated. It all leads back to that man. A man had come to him, speaking through hollow eyes. His voice still echoed in his head from years ago.

"Please join us, Ethier. We are your true family. Our signs give us power just like yours gives to you. I am soon to surpass to the next ranks and when this happens, I can help you join with no problem."

Having refused this offer, Ethier showed no regret and never will. His decision has made him proud of his free thinking. His empty glass thudded down on the counter as he left ten dollars behind and exited the bar.

Who gives a shit about the Zodiac anyway?

*****

Chris ran his hand through his hair. Suddenly he felt the pain of his death again and it became surreal for him. He and the others should all be dead. So what is this place they had awoken to?

"If you have any questions, I can gladly help you." The receptionist waved the boys over to the counter. Chris, Isaac, Kibo, and Enka stood as a group and approached the desk.

"So..." Isaac tried to think of a simple question first. "I think I should ask what we all want to know. Are we dead? And along with that, what is this place?" The receptionist giggled and her soft blond hair fell in front of her shoulder.

"Well, well...straight to the point I see." She pushed some papers aside. "This place is known as Archea. It's somewhat of what you would call an in-between plane. And by the by, you aren't dead yet."

Enka giggled at the way the receptionist seemed to mock that they didn't know what was going on. Isaac turned around and rested his chin in his hand to think. Chris turned to the receptionist.

"Why are we in Archea?" She took on a more serious expression.

"That..." Her voice sounded sympathetic. "I can't answer. You have to continue down the hall. You will know which door to open."

Kibo didn't seem too sure. She simply gave him a calm and comforting smile. He could see that she didn't mean any harm. The four had a group huddle and discussed their options.

"I mean, do we really have another choice here?" Enka seemed confused.

"No, no we don't. Let's just walk the hall and see where it leads." Isaac stood up straight and signaled them to follow.

*****

In the elevator, Leo briefed them on their "mission."

"So what exactly is this guy gonna do fur us anyway?" Scorpio put his hands in his pockets.

"Hmph." Leo made a smug look at Scorpio. "This isn't just some guy. We are after the Generals okay? So what better way to find them then by going through one of their own?"

"Wait a sec..." Gemini joined in the conversation. "You told us you knew where this guy is. If he is a General and you know where he is, then that means..."

"Yeah. I know... I don't want to see him either, but we would have to kill him at some point." Leo looked to the floor. Scorpio looked confused.

"I don't get it. What do you two know that I don't?" Leo looked up again. Scorpio continued. "Who are we going after?" Leo took a deep breath.

"My father."

*****

Chris grabbed another doorknob and the door became yet another section of brick wall. Extending back to where they had entered, the hall was now freckled by brick walls that used to be doors.

"What the hell?" Enka began to get frustrated. Kibo simply patted his shoulder.

"Calm down. Apparently we'll know which door to use when we find the one that doesn't turn into bricks if we touch it." Isaac laughed after Kibo finished.

"That could take forever. This hallway must go on for miles." Isaac sat down against the wall.

Chris grabbed another handle to watch it become bricks like the rest. He ran off in anger and forced the other to follow. His rage kept building until he felt the need to release it somehow. With a sudden stop, Chris turned and punched a door next to him as hard as he could.

He sank to the floor in desperation. Isaac, Enka, and Kibo caught up.

"What is wrong with you?" Isaac questioned Chris in the hopes of settling his own emotions.

"I don't know." Chris felt tears of anguish welling up behind his eyes. "I guess that i just want some answers."

"Hey guys." Kibo finally got their attention. "Look..."

The door that Chris had punched wasn't brick, but instead remained as a wooden door. All together, the four of them stood in front of it as Chris turned the knob and entered the room beyond.

Scattered about the room were some very familiar faces. Along the left wall were Cancer, Aries, and Taurus. Across the room were Virgo, Aquarius, and Capricorn. Taurus stepped forward laughing harder than ever.

"WELCOME ONE AND ALL!!!" He began with his booming voice. "To the collision of two forces of opposite charge. Here in this wasteland known as the Zodiac Graveyard."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To be continued in
B.A. Chapter 4
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Re: Savage Stars
Old October 29th, 2009, 04:57 AM   #20
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Default Re: Savage Stars

Interesting....


The use of details was kind of erratic, but the twist of the dad, and the graveyard (which isa good way to bring back the old Zodiac) is nice.

So... where IS Archea... exactly?
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Re: Savage Stars
Old October 30th, 2009, 04:52 AM   #21
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Default Re: Savage Stars

Archea could be said to exist somewhere out in space.
More details will be revealed in the next chapter.
Plus you'll be happily surprised to see exactly what side everyone is on in the end.
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Re: Savage Stars
Old October 30th, 2009, 10:59 PM   #22
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Default Re: Savage Stars

Ooh, Leo's dad. Sounds interesting. And Archea seems cool. I wonder how they're all going to get out.

And what do you mean "happily surprised?" Is everyone going to end up good? That would be weird. And no matter how many times I tell myself that Leo and Gemini and them are the good guys, I just can't think of them like that. Looking forward to the next chapter.
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Re: Savage Stars
Old October 31st, 2009, 03:15 AM   #23
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Default Re: Savage Stars

Quote:
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And no matter how many times I tell myself that Leo and Gemini and them are the good guys, I just can't think of them like that.
Haha. That's funny that you should say that.

Because that just makes me want to say, if you have any theories about who is going to appear and what exactly may be going on now, I would love to hear them.

But trust me, it's going to go all over that place before it actually gets anywhere.
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Re: Savage Stars
Old October 31st, 2009, 10:06 PM   #24
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Default Re: Savage Stars

Here's my theory:

Leo and them are going to find Ethier and try to convince him to join the Zodiac, but he isn't going to want to. Then Chris and them are going to get out of Archea with the former Zodiac members and find Ethier and convince him to join their group because they're against the Zodiac.

Leo's dad comes into play somewhere, but I don't know where yet.
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Re: Savage Stars
Old November 1st, 2009, 05:37 AM   #25
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Default Re: Savage Stars

This may seem really nit-picky, but it bugs the astronomer in me. Stars twinkle. Planets do not. Therefore, the planet Mars cannot "sparkle".

I'm not sure how important this is to your story, but the actual dates where the sun passes through certain Zodiac signs is about a month off thanks to the 2,000 years of precession of the Earth's axis. So Gemini used to be the end of May and the first few weeks of June. Now Gemini is the end of June and the first few weeks of July. I'm not sure if you'll actually use the dates of the Zodiac in your story, but keep in mind that they're a month off from what they originally were.

Okay, inner astronomer satisfied =P

I really like this story and the twists you put in it. Keeps it interesting because I never know what to expect anymore. But the descriptions of what they're wearing can be tedious and unnecessary at times. Do we really need to know every last detail of their shoes and clothing?
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Re: Savage Stars
Old November 1st, 2009, 05:46 AM   #26
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Default Re: Savage Stars

As far Mars and the signs and dates. None of that truly matters. This story does not ever go into crazy specifics.

Those descriptions on clothes are, if you notice, are very rare. I only used that to show a huge change within each character plus I try to never really overuse it. Description is one of my weaker points when it comes to writing/
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Re: Savage Stars
Old November 1st, 2009, 08:43 PM   #27
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Default Re: Savage Stars

lol yes describtion is a hellraiser isnt it. Besides I have never seen a bad describtion from you there all straight to the point but how you tell the story that way works.
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Re: Savage Stars
Old November 3rd, 2009, 03:53 AM   #28
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Default Re: Savage Stars

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chris was staring into the faces of what he assumed should have been ghosts. Here before him was the entire collection that he, Isaac, Kibo, and Enka had personally taken care of in the past. Taurus only smiled. Everyone else had looks of discontent on their faces, but they seemed to all be waiting for something

Brittle Apocalypse
Chapter 4: Memento Mori

Leo stood on a door step that he hadn't seen in years. His childhood home stood before him and he was beyond ecstatic that Gemini and Scorpio were here to help him handle this. He raised his hand and slowly knocked on the door several times. Silence responded to the knocks. He hoped to God that no one would answer.

Then from the other side of the front door, footsteps were heard approaching. The handle shook a little and turned. It opened to reveal a man that all of them recognized. A little too well.

"God damn." He turned away for a second and then replaced his gaze. "What the fuck do I have to do to make you leave me alone?"

"I'm just here to talk, dad." Leo took a step forward. "We need a little assistance. I'm on a mission no that requires that you...um...die." His father looked at him. He laughed a booming laugh that echoed in their ears.

"Oh really? And who is gonna do me in, huh? You little pieces of shit? I don't think so."

He began to close the door. Scorpio sent a single leather strap up and caught the hook on the mans shoulder. It dug in hard trying to break the skin to send a message. Scorpio showed strain in trying to cut him, but it just didn't work. The hook began to bend against the man's skin. He turned with a strange look back at Scorpio.

"I insist that you let us in..." Scorpio removed the hook. "...Jupiter."

*****

The Zodiac filled the room, but no one attacked. They all simply stood around the room. Chris was so confused. Isaac questioned the set up first.

"Either one of you explains or you all die right now." He took a quick look at everyone there.

"You think that you can possibly do anything here?" Capricorn stepped forward. "This place negates all powers and returns us to our natural earthly forms." Enka gasped a little.

"No wonder my arms and legs are normal again." He looked at himself again. "This place has made me human again."

"It's given all of us a second chance at life." Aries looked angrily at Chris. "Like we deserve."

Chris smirked lightly. He remembered the day he had killed Aries.

"So why exactly are we here?" Kibo looked to Taurus for answers. Obviously by his welcoming he knew a lot more than the rest of us.

"Well," He stopped to think. "Thats a tough question to answer. Me and Aries have been here for a long time and we both have spoken to the spirit that brought us here. All I can say is that he was waiting for Chris to speak with him. Apparently we all have some unfinished business." He looked at his hand.

"I can't believe that it's gone though." Everyone looked to Aquarius as she began talking. "My aqueous body is gone. I miss it now."

They all stood together in confused silence. Archea was becoming a more complicated place as the time went on. The room only had four walls and a strange console at the far end. Plus a strange symbol filled the center of the floor. As Chris noticed it, it began glowing brightly.

"Well then." Virgo finally opened her mouth. "I guess it's time for Chris to speak with him."

*****

The desk light flickered as it came on. A razor blade sat by itself on the desk. Ethier placed a roll of paper towels on the desk next to the lamp. He sat alone in his home.

The sounds of cars driving by outside couldn't distract him. It's time to see if my thoughts on this whole deal are correct. Ethier picked up the razor blade. He took a deep breath to prepare himself.

Lowering the blade down onto his right wrist, he cut deep. The blood ran down his arm into the desk and sat in a small puddle. Setting down the blade, he prepared his focus. Concentrating hard on the puddle, it began to rise and fluctuate in front of him. He slowly shaped the blood into a spike and watched it harden. Without a seconds notice, he punched several quick holes through the desk with blinding speed.

The blood began to loosen up and retreat into his arm again as the cut slowly closed and then disappeared. Ethier stared at his veins for a second and then a small smile stretched across his face.
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To be continued in
B.A. Chapter 5
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Re: Savage Stars
Old November 3rd, 2009, 03:59 AM   #29
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Default Re: Savage Stars

Nice chapter... I felt like SOMETHING was missing, I can't figure it out though.

Why is the dad named JUPITER? Unless it's really Zeus.

Ethiel looks like a villain.
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Re: Savage Stars
Old November 3rd, 2009, 04:15 AM   #30
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Default Re: Savage Stars

Quote:
Originally Posted by madammina View Post
Nice chapter... I felt like SOMETHING was missing, I can't figure it out though.
Really? Interesting. Maybe it's in the next one. Haha

Quote:
Originally Posted by madammina View Post
Why is the dad named JUPITER? Unless it's really Zeus.
I can say right now, that isn't his real name.

Quote:
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Ethiel looks like a villain.
I'm glad you think that. But that wasn't what I was trying to show.
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