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Old October 24th, 2009, 05:19 AM   #1
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Default Untitled

Well then. My second foray into this section, and I think I have greatly improved in my writing skill. Well then, critiques are appreciated. Bonus points if you're the first to... Screw it. Just read. Seriously.
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Through the shadows walked the young man, knife glistening in his hand. He walked slowly, but surely. He had spotted his prey, and had prepared.

Right foot, Left foot, Right foot, Left foot, Stumble, Left foot, Right foot, Left foot. His feet moved along, his shoes making no noise on the hard ground. As he shuffled along, thoughts of a good meal, and finally being able to pay the rent entered his mind, and he licked his lips at the thought of something more than McDonalds’ Fries and Burgers for once. As he shuffled past a light, his form cast an eerie shadow on the wall of the nearest building, and he chuckled a bit, imagining himself as one of the monsters from stories he was told as a child. He turned the next corner, and found the druggie just like he had hoped.

Guy wasn’t very rich, but he had a house. Alleys like this were useful when you wanted to get pretty high and not be found by… unsavory types. Like police. Now people like the prowler… they were no danger, yes? No, I think they were. But what’s more important, your life? Or escaping from it? Obviously the latter, to those living in Nirvana such as him. With knife hand, the prowler moved forward, prepared to begin.

He quickly shuffled toward the man, and positioned the knife at his neck. Soon things would be looking up for the prowler, as would the druggie’s glistening, empty eyes. The eyes of the dead.

Suddenly, a form was behind the prowler. A form with hat and beard. With a quick motion of his leg, the prowler’s head now rested many feet from his body, leaving a bloody trail. The man offered his hand to the druggie, who took it. Suddenly, the druggie was thrown backwards through the wall of the building he had rested against. Inside the building, his crushed form was barely visible beneath the bloody rubble.

Who was this man, and why did he do this? You know who, and why. Yes… indeed you know. For if you did not, you would be dead. You know indeed…

Last edited by Watson; October 24th, 2009 at 05:35 AM.
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Old October 24th, 2009, 05:27 AM   #2
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Default Re: Untitled

I'm just not feelin it, na just kiddin, its interesting,and good. i am writing my own story know. (also pretty gruesome, but thats the way i like story's)

Last edited by terra99032; October 24th, 2009 at 05:36 AM.
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Old October 24th, 2009, 05:33 AM   #3
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Default Re: Untitled

Not bad, not bad. There's a certain style to it, which I like. A couple things though:

Vary your vocabulary a bit. You started to become to attached to the word "glistening", lol. It was nice a couple times, but using the same word too much looks amateurish.

You didn't need the capital letters after the first "Right" in the first sentence of the second paragraph.

The only other thing was that it felt a little too quick. Granted, that may have been what you were going for; but with short flash fiction, I don't think it's best for it to feel like a blur.

Other than that, the grammar was decent; and the level of detail fit very well.
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Old October 25th, 2009, 04:50 AM   #4
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Default Re: Untitled

My main critique to you is, aside from touching up a few minor grammatical errors, to focus upon building suspense more than anything else. A few vivid sensory details (clouds obscuring the moon, the lapping of cold water on the prowler's feet, etc.) can add much more realism to a piece. However, I wouldn't go too far as to begin describing everything, just the main relevant things that set the mood well.

With what you have here, you've built your skeleton; now you need to give him some flesh. Don't leave him emaciated, but don't make him morbidly obese, either.

A few somewhat lesser things such as pace can be looked at also, but for now, I'd say work on a few extra details and a slightly broader vocabulary choice (ie. "Suddenly, a form was behind the prowler." How did it get there? Did it rise slowly, or spring up with a flash?) With pieces of this sort, mood is critical.
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