a modern day tinker bell.

[Riel]

a modern day tinker bell.

She applied the crimson lipstick to her plump lips, smearing a heavy amount of the sticky mess. If she didn't put so much on, it wouldn't even be noticeable in the twilit, strobe-light dominated room. She needed the color to show, to accentuate the paleness of her skin, the platinum-blonde of her hair. Curls were in place, flipping her lockes this way and that, framing her face and tumbling down her back.

In front of the huge mirror situated behind a counter covered with other beauty products used by the other girls, she leaned forward and looked at her body, twisting her hips first one way and then the other in order to get a good view of the show she was giving herself. Pulled the cups of her bra down, looked at the supple breasts that were rippling softly with the movement. She opened a small jar on the counter and dabbed a bit of color around her nipples, accentuating the areolae. Careful to wait a few seconds before placing the cups back into their proper position-she didn't want to smear the coloring- she blew herself a kiss in the mirror and walked out of the room. Stood there, behind a curtain, waiting for her name to be called.

When it was, she walked out with long, sultry steps. A woman with a clip board was waiting for her, and she pointed out the client; he was situated in the far corner of the room, in an overly-large arm chair. His suit was crinkled, and one could only guess at its color in the neon-lit room, the strobe lights illuminating the entire place for fractions of a second at a time. As she walked towards him, the lights gave the optical illusion that she was simultaneously moving in slow motion and 'jumping' forward with each step.

She didn't waste any time with niceties or introductions. Placing one leg on a small table that was situated to the man's right, she gyrated her hips towards him as she slowly spread her thighs, flashing a glimpse of-if one were to look under normal lighting conditions- lily green panties. One hand was moving through her hair, the other had free roam of her flat stomach and her breasts. She withdrew her leg and stepped closer to him, straddling the seat of his pants while she continued to caress herself. She could feel him get harder beneath her crotch, a swelling that was only slightly inhibited by his pants.

Bent forward. She bent forward into his face, giving him a complete shot of her barely covered chest. The colored areolae were just visible through the fabric of her bra. She shifted back a bit and placed her mouth right against his ear, nibbling on his ear lobe before she spoke:

"Are you liking the show?" she asked. As she did so, she could feel him get a little harder beneath her, and she ground her hips into his. Despite the fact that the question was clearly rhetorical, he answered.

"I am...but I think that I hired a stripper, not a dancer." he said. When he spoke, there was a slight tremor in his voice that undermined the attempted dominance.

"It's going to cost you a little more for me to take my clothes off, baby." she whispered back, grinding towards him again. With her left hand she caressed his neck and shoulder, as the right hand propped her up. "And a little more for me to use the dust, sweetheart." she said again, nibbling on his earlobe slightly before she pulled back and looked him in the eye. His pupils were incredibly dilated, and he was clearly erect beneath his pants.

She leaned forward again, used her left hand to pull one of the cups down to flash a bit of nipple that was covered almost as soon as it was seen. She could hear his breath catch and he became even more rigid beneath her. Her cerulean eyes were twinkling, both with the implied promises and the glow of the strobe lights.

"And-cough-what if I don't want the dust?" he asked her, watching intently as she continued to sway her body this way and that, moving smoothly and erotically.

A slight laugh. She laughed at that, and leaned forward once again. Her lips almost pressed directly against his ear, she whispered:

"What's the matter? Don't you want to fly, Peter Pan?"

[Disc Jockey]

spot on, spot on.
i saw everything so clearly. the beginning was confusing because you didn't really describe what environment she was in, but it all added up in the end. that was a perfect example of how tinker bell is. in the old days, she really is kind of... slutty. and you hit the nail on the head with the modern day version of her.
nice job. (:

[stephaknee]

I think it's a little flat, story-wise and technically. I don't really have any suggestions on improving the story, it just seemed cliche, shallow, predictable etc. I enjoy your writing, overall, but not digging this one.

My main complaint is the overuse of adjectives. You got a little adjective-happy, especially in the first paragraph. It gets boring to read and it boggles down the flow of the writing.

"She applied the crimson lipstick to her plump lips, smearing a heavy amount of the sticky mess.

Some examples of sentences that I thought sounded particularly awkward:

"As she walked towards him, the lights gave the optical illusion that she was simultaneously moving in slow motion and 'jumping' forward with each step."

I think my problem with this sentence is the quick switch from action verb to state of being verb. Not sure why, but I just don't really like the phrase "the lights gave the optical illusion."

In front of the huge mirror situated behind a counter covered with other beauty products used by the other girls, she leaned forward and looked at her body, twisting her hips first one way and then the other in order to get a good view of the show she was giving herself.

Repetition of the word "other." The sentence drags on, I think, and the participle seems awkward to me.

[Riel]

I think it's a little flat, story-wise and technically. I don't really have any suggestions on improving the story, it just seemed cliche, shallow, predictable etc. I enjoy your writing, overall, but not digging this one.

I think that I would have to agree with that; there wasn't anything particularly show-y about the piece, or any twists and turns within the narrative. I think that there's a reason for that, though...

My main complaint is the overuse of adjectives. You got a little adjective-happy, especially in the first paragraph. It gets boring to read and it boggles down the flow of the writing.

See, I don't know how I feel about that statement. While there was certainly a lot of adjectives, I almost feel as if the number is closer to appropriate than what I usually write; typically my pieces are very bare-bones, tiny bit of description, and I wanted to break free of that mold a little bit. Not so much in that I don't like my other work, so far as I wanted to see if I could just be a tad more descriptive. That being said, I usually argue that five words is better than fifty, so I don't know where I'm going with that, lol.

I think my problem with this sentence is the quick switch from action verb to state of being verb. Not sure why, but I just don't really like the phrase "the lights gave the optical illusion."

But they did give that impression. That may be the only part of what you said that I can't at least partially get behind.

All in all I agree with your assessment, I just felt the urge to clear up why some of the sentences are the way that they are. For my next piece, I'll attempt to find a happier medium with the amount of adjectives. Or just revert back to my typical style of writing, who knows.

[stephaknee]

Originally Posted by Riel

See, I don't know how I feel about that statement. While there was certainly a lot of adjectives, I almost feel as if the number is closer to appropriate than what I usually write; typically my pieces are very bare-bones, tiny bit of description, and I wanted to break free of that mold a little bit. Not so much in that I don't like my other work, so far as I wanted to see if I could just be a tad more descriptive. That being said, I usually argue that five words is better than fifty, so I don't know where I'm going with that, lol.

I agree with the five words is better than fifty. Generally, you're only supposed to use adjectives that add something to the story. For some comparison, I skipped to a random page in Catch-22 and counted 6 adjectives. Did the same with On the Road, and I counted nine. There were four in your first sentence.

A good article on this point:

Greg On Writing: Writing with and without Adverbs and Adjectives

[darkisaac]

Originally Posted by stephaknee

I agree with the five words is better than fifty. Generally, you're only supposed to use adjectives that add something to the story. For some comparison, I skipped to a random page in Catch-22 and counted 6 adjectives. Did the same with On the Road, and I counted nine. There were four in your first sentence.

A good article on this point:

Greg On Writing: Writing with and without Adverbs and Adjectives

To be fair, the amount of adjectives appropriate to a piece is completely subjective (unless you go to true extremes where you have 50 adjectives per sentence). For example, I actually enjoy a story that's highly descriptive, and the fact is that ajdectives add greatly to the imagery and descriptiveness of any piece; I agree there's a point where they can become superfluous, but I don't find that this story is such a case.

And again, your literary examples are completely subjective. I personally dislike Catch-22, so why should I be impressed by the way in which it's written? Just because Joseph Heller writes a small amount of adjectives that means that is the 'correct' way of writing? Since when did he become the prime example of good writing?

Apart from that, I have to say that I agree with your earlier analysis of this sentence:

"As she walked towards him, the lights gave the optical illusion that she was simultaneously moving in slow motion and 'jumping' forward with each step."

I also found myself disliking the highlighted part, and I believe the sentence was awkwardly written.

To start, I find the word 'optical' to be redundant, after all, the words 'light' and 'illusion' already imply that the illusion is one of the optical nature (after all, you don't sense light with your ears or your nose).

The word 'optical' makes the beginning of the sentence very cumbersome.

The second half of the sentence could be fixed with some word rearrangement.

I think the sentence should've been more like:

"As she walked towards him, the lights gave the illusion that she was moving in slow motion while simultaneously jumping forward with each step."

I think that's a suitable rewrite no?

Anyways, I think this little problem was born out of your desire to put too much into one single sentence, description is good, but it doesn't have to all be put in at once. Brevity is the soul of wit, so you don't have to stuff everything in one sentence if that's not your forte (after all you said this isn't your usual style).