While the Stars Fell Down

[I *heart* Axel]

yeah b4 u read this, i'm letting you know that i've been up all day and i'm really really tired. this is probably horrible. please criticise my story so that i know how to write in the future.

"While the Stars Fell Down"
"It's dark....." A young man's voice spoke in the darkness.
"Just wait. You'll see."
"Are you sure?"
"Wait."
The silhouette of a young man and woman sitting on a dark , lonesome hill was afar in the darkness. They whispered and talked about things they did together in their life together. Their first date, walks together, everything. They reminisced into the late hours of the night.
"I still don't see anything. It's getting late and we should be getting back..."
"Just one more minute."
As she said that, a strange light shone from the heavens. The sky turned from black to a radiant dark blue, and small, luminescent stars began to fall. It was beautiful.
The woman's shining golden hair and her saphirre blue eyes shone. She fell to the ground, and began to fade away....
"What's happening to you?"
"I'm happy." A small, clear teardrop fell from her eye.
" Why is this happening? Was it somthing I said?"
"No, I want this to happen. All my life, I have never been truly happy. And...Now that you've led me to be happy, I finally get to go home."
" Where's that?"
The woman slowly lifted her frail hand and pointed to the sky.
"Up there, is where I belong....with the stars."
"I'll never be able to see you again."
"Of course you will. Just look up."
The man looked up, and saw the woman's face in the stars. Her shining eyes, her radiant smile, and her flowing hair seemed to be carved in the night sky. Pure beauty.
When the man looked back down, the woman was gone.
" I...." A tear fell from his eyes.
" I love you."
Stardust began to swirl around him. He looked up into the sky and said,
"I'll never forget you...I promise."
A cold wind blew from the north. The man touched the ground where she laid, and where he held the girl in his arms. He slowly began to walk home, conastantly looking back at the hill.The stars were still falling.
And to this day, the man remembers what happened while the stars fell down.

[Annoyance]

Originally Posted by I *heart* Axel

yeah b4 u read this, i'm letting you know that i've been up all day and i'm really really tired. this is probably horrible. please criticise my story so that i know how to write in the future.

Before I read this, I wanted to say that reading just this tells me that I'm going to have to say a lot.

Using "b4" for the word "before" makes you look like an idiot so if a reader sees this, they get turned off immediately.

Also, if you were up all day and you're tired and stuff, just put down your rough draft so you don't forget and then rewrite it after a long nap. You'll probably come up with more ideas and realize your stupid mistakes and typos right away. It helps A LOT.

Now. About my critique. Don't get mad at me for saying all this in one go. I can tell you're a beginner. That's good. But if I don't say this and you get nothing but "OH I LIKED IT." you'll never EVER improve and keep making the same mistakes. Once you get to someone who's skilled and knows a mistake when they see one, it will just make things hard for you. Please read through everything I say and try to do them. And don't be afraid to rewrite and edit your works.

"While the Stars Fell Down"

I had absolutely no idea what this was else than the title. I thought you meant someone was talking. Why don't you format it so it's underlined, bold, something to differentiate it from the other text. This way, people know it's the title. You can center it as well, probably.

"It's dark....." A young man's voice spoke in the darkness.
"Just wait. You'll see."
"Are you sure?"
"Wait."

First off, ellipsis (the ...) only have three periods. Not two, not four. Three. No exceptions. And personally, I don't think it's necessary for there to be an ellipsis in this situation. He could just say "it's dark."
Second, where's the "[talking action+ed] ____."? The whole thing seems odd to me. You have nearly nothing showing emotion, facial expressions, nothing. While this sometimes shows simplicity, simplicity can also be shown with a picture of two bricks. Unfortunately, your tactic makes your characters just that. A couple of bricks. This isn't good at all for such a story.
Oh, and describe the other voice, too. Helps have a sense of realism, I suppose. Don't depend on the next paragraph to tell the reader what the other voice is like. Causes confusion.

I can see you tried to have tabs for some of the paragraphs. While this is good for word document, when you post it on the internet (here and other writing sites), it's gone immediately after you post. You'd want to hit enter after each line if you post it up so it'd look like this :
line a

line b
does that make sense?

On another note, you have no idea how happy I am to see that you went through and spell checked.

The silhouette of a young man and woman sitting on a dark , lonesome hill was afar in the darkness. They whispered and talked about things they did together in their life together. Their first date, walks together, everything. They reminisced into the late hours of the night.

While the idea is great, I think the entire thing needs a bit of a revamp. I'm not going to tell you exactly how to write it because you need to improve yourself by not copying others. My way of writing is obviously going to be different from your own style. Maybe try to re-write it a couple different ways. Use different words that mean the same thing. Something about this paragraph is just awkward.

"I still don't see anything. It's getting late and we should be getting back..."

Tiny things like this. The and makes his statement seem so robotic it makes me shiver. A young (teen?) boy would never say something like this. Their statement would be along the lines of
"I still don't see anything, [girl name]. It's late. Let's go back."

"Just one more minute."
As she said that, a strange light shone from the heavens. The sky turned from black to a radiant dark blue, and small, luminescent stars began to fall. It was beautiful.

First, her talking and the "as she said that" would be together like this and adding my own pizazz if you will:

"Just one more minute," and as she said that, almost triggering it like a spell, the sky changed from a deep black to a radiant dark blue as small, luminescent stars began to fall and scatter. It was truly beautiful.

Doesn't that sound better? Notice how I went into detail in how it was "beautiful." And also keep in mind that this doesn't make you a bad writer for I knew what you were trying to say. Add some flow to your writing too.

But I think that this:

The woman's shining golden hair and her saphirre blue eyes shone. She fell to the ground, and began to fade away....

Could be easily added to the last one to make it move a bit better. It's easily done with a "but then" or something like that. Try that. See if you like it. It's a maybe, I think, and depends on your opinion rather than mine.

"What's happening to you?"
"I'm happy." A small, clear teardrop fell from her eye.
" Why is this happening? Was it somthing I said?"
"No, I want this to happen. All my life, I have never been truly happy. And...Now that you've led me to be happy, I finally get to go home."

There's no emotion, no facial expression else than the tear. You make it seem like these people have no mouths, no hands, no body. The sadness of the boy losing his girlfriend slowly isn't shown else than in words and through the reader's imagination. Also, how it's said can change a lot of things.

The man looked up, and saw the woman's face in the stars. Her shining eyes, her radiant smile, and her flowing hair seemed to be carved in the night sky. Pure beauty.

Try to use some different words to describe pretty things. There are useful websites to find synonyms. Try using that.

" I...." A tear fell from his eyes.
" I love you."

"I..." a tear fell from his eyes, "I love you." would probably be how to say this. I'm unsure. I really don't like ellipsis all that much just because they cause so much confusion when writing.

Stardust began to swirl around him. He looked up into the sky and said,
"I'll never forget you...I promise."

Together as one sentence and ellipsis and the next word have a space after. it would be "you... I"
it looks a lot better.

As for the story, it had its strong points but still has a LOT of room for improvement.
Keep working on it.

[I *heart* Axel]

yeah i knew i was gonna get alot of criticism but thanks. i'm not the excellent grammar, poet kind of person. i know there's alot of room for improvement, and i'm working on it. thanks

[Annoyance]

Originally Posted by I *heart* Axel

yeah i knew i was gonna get alot of criticism but thanks. i'm not the excellent grammar, poet kind of person. i know there's alot of room for improvement, and i'm working on it. thanks

Try to fix these things I told you soon. I'd like to see this story again with the errors fixed rather than you giving up completely.