Progress (A Science Fic)

[Snow]

A really short science fiction. It's not completed, because I'm stuck about how to continue. It's meant to be like 2500 words long, but now at just short of 900 words I can't make up the central body of this thing, even if I do have my ending in mind. Still, I want to improve on this, because I hope to submit it for some sci fi contest next year, so I want some opinions.

Theme: Transhumanism (Made that up, but it really is)

Title: Progress

It was all for progress…

Leaning against the wall, the doctor wept, tears streaming from his eyes on his flawless face, arcing the artificial lighting into miniature rainbows.

For progress…

Smashing his fist against the wall, the doctor lamented that statement. It was one that he had followed for decades, so why regret now? Still, all he could feel was the hollowness of that statement, echoing in his ears.

Progress is the way forward…

His arm had long lost any traces of the sensation that should be battering it right now. As for the other parts of his body, they were similar. They had been that way, since 30 years ago.

Progress is all that matters…

Pain, he had forgotten it. 30 years ago, he forsook pain, seeking his new path. But that was only the physical reaction to distress. He could not control how his character, his heart, felt. And now it was bleeding, wailing in agony, screaming for release.

Progress is but a human drive…

Or was it? So he had questioned himself, 30 years later. If his heart bleeds now, why did it not bleed, when he stood before, a quaint figure in the laboratory, comprehending the repercussions of that breakthrough?

Progress is only in the mind of the beholder…

That voice echoing through his head finally made sense. Yes, progress is only a view by men, one that people seek. Yet even so, is this progress? By all counts, he should be happy. He had given new meaning to people. Or had he?

A globalised world…

30 years since he had stared in marvel at his new technological breakthrough. 30 years since he raised his argument against the world, persuading, advertising, to those very people he had scornfully called the Conservatives, the merits of his advancement. 30 years since his life had lost all its meaning.

A world united, connected…

And 30 years on, those are the very people he now admired, now wished to emulate. Why had he not seen? Staring out of the window at the street six stories below, he saw people, each their own individual, walking. Each of them was unique. Different jobs. Different dreams. Each living a life of his or her own. But inside, they were one and the same.

A great leap forward, a step to the future…

Before him, the screen glowed at him, the two words shining green, illuminated by the backlight. The two words, the thing that he had been striving for in the last 30 years. His very vision of the world, visualized in reality. Yet now those words sat there, mocking every fibre of his being, as his own reality rocked and swayed, his morals attacked.

Project Genesis…

He had never thought it would end up like this. This project was the culmination of the unfulfillable desires that humans have held, for centuries, perhaps even millennia. Longevity. Condensing the world into one. Eradication of useless activities, such as eating. All the initial goals of the project. All fulfilled. But why, when these had all been achieved, did he feel inside himself, so empty, so hollow? His heart was threatening to collapse on itself, when the body was perfect.

A way to surpass humanity…

An end to every human’s woes. That was the target that he had set himself on with this project. The end to age, memory, loneliness. No more shall people dwell in darkness, in their own self-pity. Now everyone could live their lives as they wished to. That was what he had gave them. And now, he wished that he never started this in the first place.

Progress that literally surmounts any sense of time…

A human skeleton, constructed through titanium alloy, formed the framework of the structure, a literal carapace of the human form, ridding them of all concerns of things such as arthritis, or fractures. Scattered across the whole body, metallic substitutes that removed the requirement for things such as urination, automatically maintaining the body for a person, freeing up otherwise wasted time. Muscles and skin, vital features that contribute to a human, replaced, with synthetic alternatives, that did the same thing but better. And at the crown, a mechanical computer with a central database, unfaltering, unwavering, ceaselessly processing data, never to face its demise. And the Coup de Grace, a system, the transmission to the core processing system, a method to process individual thoughts, spectrums of the brain cycle, into data, transmitting it worldwide to receptors. Transhumanism at its best. It was his dream. It was his goal. And now it is his bane.

Progress into the future…

He lashed out with his arm again, colliding against the hard wall. Yes, he was the founder of this project. Elevation of humanity by replacement of fragile, weak human components with more effective, more durable parts. It was he who spent 10 years, 10 meaningless years, subduing the opposition of the Conservatives, to allow the world to undertake this, this new bodies of theirs, synthetic, crafted. Now he thought of it as nothing but a shell, trapping his soul in this world, a metal exoskeleton that is his prison. Nothing but a scrap of metal, binding him to this world for eternity, until, literally, his very bones ground to dust.


Temporary Fin~


It's going to end with him trying to pick up courage to shut down the system, but fails because he had worked for humanity, and does not wish to sacrifice humanity for himself by shutting down (and killing everyone) so, yeah.

Tell me whether this is good or not (can't believe I spent 1.5 hours on this thing already), and I want to know whether I can improve, say description, or fiercer emotions etc.

[Coldman9]

This looks pretty good. Keep going with it.

[Snow]

I need more critical comments... Like "This sucks because xxxx" or "You can improve this by xxxxx" so I can get a near decent essay. I can say for sure that I cannot sustain effective writing without someone shouting at me, and there's no one better at writing than me at home (and even in my class at school)... So I need some genius savant here on the forums telling me where I can improve.

[Shadow-Love]

Okay, how about beefing up your paragraphs more. More than two lines would be better. And this is just me but how about some action, if there's robots or cyborgs how about some fighting.