A Darker Life: Exiting the Darkness

[Yamigo1000]

This is just a story I've been working on for a while.

Book Name- A Darker Life: Exiting the Darkness

Book Number-1-3 (Mabey 3)

Genre-Fantasy/Fiction

Chapter-Prologue (I think that's how it's spelled)

I...Am Darkness. I can't help it. I know it sounds emo, but it's true. I can't help the fact that is was born this way, as the gold of humanity. But hey, you can't change your being, right?

You see there are two types of people in this world: Those with light hearts, and those with dark ones. This isn't what makes a person good or evil, it just makes up who you are. But humanity doesn't know about this. Atleast 75% of the world belive in that "God( Gods for some) created everything B.S." No, only a hand full of people know this fact, and even less know what they are capabile of! And one of those "Know it alls."

This is the story about me and my quest to change my dark desteny. But first, let me tell you about me. You see, I'm diffrent from most African American 15 year old teens. First off, I have a long bang that runs down the left side of my face. In fact it's so white, you can't see any physical on that side of my face! Good thing to, 'cause my left eye is dark brown while my right one is hazle.

Another thing is that I'm basicly a damn ticken time bomb. You see, my emotions can be one of my greatest stregnths, or my most devistaing weakness. You see I can ether be REALLY cool and level headed, or be set of by the slightest mistake and miscalculations and become SUPER angry. Alot of people say that I should be emotionaly tired and not have emotions, or I should go emo. But, when they do, I just give 'em the old "Nah, I'll take my chances."

My final diffrence are the markings that are under my eyes. Under my right eye is just a small black upside down triangle that points to the right. But under my left eyes, is a WHOLE 'nother story! My left eyes mark is shaped like a crestent thats over my eye, and than becomes a large scar that runs downword to my chin. Almost like a tatoo. Almost.

Also, just a quick heads up, the story will be told from three diffrrent points of views. Hope you liked this much!

[Annoyance]

Chapter-Prolouge (I think that's how it's spelled)

It's "prologue", dear.

I...Am Darkness. I can't help it. I know it sounds emo, but it's true. I can't help the fact that is was born this way, as the gold of humanity. But hey, you can't change your being, right?

Already some issues with punctuation. After an ellipsis, there is a space. I'm unsure about capitalization after the ellipsis, though. I usually leave it in the lower letters.

The formalities of this all seems jumbled. Rocky start can sometimes ruin the readers interest and shove them away.

You see there are two types of people in this world: Those with light hearts, and those with dark ones. This isn't what makes a person good or evil, it just makes up who you are. But humanity doesn't know about this. Atleast 75% precent of the world belive in that "God( Gods for some) created everything B.S." NO, only a hand full of people know this fact, and even less know what they are capabile of! And one of those "Know it alls."

wat?
In all seriousness, this paragraph sounds more like a rant of a 13 year old trying to sound smart. It could use a lot of work. You definitely need to work on your spell checking. There were MANY minor spelling mistakes. And to top it off, this whole thing doesn't really make sense. What the hell does God or any Gods have to do with this all? This entire paragraph isn't really linked to the rest of the prologue.

This is the story about me and my quest to change my dark desteny. But first, let me tell you about me. You see, I'm diffrent from most African American 15 year old teens. First off, I have a long bang that runs down the left side of my face. In fact it's so white, you can't see any physical on that side of my face! Good thing to, 'cause my left eye is dark brown while my right one is hazle.

Oh, the introduction blocks. How I love thee.
The grammar of this all is so odd to me. Some words seem missing like in the sentence "In fact it's so white, you can't see any physical on that side of my face!"

Honestly, for something that I was expecting to be so, ahem, dark, is turning out to be like every other story. Nothing new. You're trying too hard. You'd be surprised how many people like the norm. People they can relate to.

]Another thing is that I'm basicly a damn ticken time bomb. You see, my emotions can be one of my greatest stregnths, or my most devistaing weakness. You see I can ether be REALLY cool and level headed, or be set of by the slightest mistake and miscalculations and become SUPER angry. Alot of people say that I should be emotionaly tired and not have emotions, or I should go emo. But, when they do, I just give 'em the old "Nah, I'll take my chances."

this can pretty much be summed up as "I'm bipolor. That sucks. :C"
And take my chances with what? Not being able to control your emotions?
You aren't going to die.

My final diffrence are the markings that are under my eyes.

I'm not sure you understand what a prologue exactly is. Honestly, this seemed to me like the first chapter. You could have just listed them in three sentences. "I have weird ass hair that covers my weird ass eye, I'm bipolar, and I have weird markings along with my eyes."
(i'm not serious. please don't write all that down.)

Under my right eye is just a small black upside down triangle that points to the right. But under my left eyes, is a WHOLE 'nother story! My left eyes mark is shaped like a crestent thats over my eye, and than becomes a large scar that runs downword to my chin. Almost like a tatoo. Almost.

As far as my knowledge takes me, a prologue is supposed to suck the reader in, make them interested to read your story. Make them want to know more about the character and their tale.

I'm sorry, but cutting off at a really dumb point like this makes me want to find something else to read. I basically just read why this black kid is different from everyone else in his class because he looks and acts weird. That isn't a story, that's just a character design. And a pretty outrageous one, too.

Don't give up because of what I say but keep working on it. You'll get there.

[Yamigo1000]

Meh, at least I tryed...What can you do, I'm very experianced a writing. But yeah, it'll all make since later, but you will grow a better understanding of why he has those markings and why he's more "Diffrrent" than I described. Or you may not get a damn thing. Only time shall tell. Oh yeah, one more thing, I understand how you fell to this but you should know, every body has a certin way of doing things, like you said, most people prefer normal, simple stories, while I prefer unquie, exciting stories where the narrator writes like he/she is talking me directly. So while people have there prologues, I've got mine. But I'll be sure to take your advice. And no I'm not trying to be "Smart", he's just talking about the facts of his world.

[Annoyance]

Originally Posted by Yamigo1000

Meh, at least I tryed...What can you do, I'm very experianced a writing. But yeah, it'll all make since later, but you will grow a better understanding of why he has those markings and why he's more "Diffrrent" than I described. Or you may not get a damn thing. Only time shall tell. Oh yeah, one more thing, I understand how you fell to this but you should know, every body has a certin way of doing things, like you said, most people prefer normal, simple stories, while I prefer unquie, exciting stories where the narrator writes like he/she is talking me directly. So while people have there prologues, I've got mine. But I'll be sure to take your advice. And no I'm not trying to be "Smart", he's just talking about the facts of his world.

The problem is, I'm not sure I can take you seriously at all.

Still, there's a difference between doing it the "my way or the highway" option and just doing something wrong. Also, there is also a big difference between edgy and new and mediocre. Giving all the qualities and looks (purple eyes, strange ass hair, etc.) for a character in a normal world is only asking for trouble when it comes to character development and usually ends up being the same thing as everyone else. i.e. something no one wants to even read.


And you definitely need to start working on your spelling if you want to come off as "experianced". It's "experienced", ma cherie.