The tale of a nobody

[cloudwolf124]

This is something i cam up with it was supposed to KH fanfic hence the title but i figured it would be better a a random short story so i let you read this and critiscim is appreciated thank you

The tiredness of a long day at school and strong feelings of desperation as the realization hits me that hate is my only feeling. The school yard disappears with the memories of what once were. So what I am to do as a hollow shell of someone else fading into nothing as I let go of my “existence”. My life was a horror movie that could only be described in one word horrible. So the way I see it I could do one of two things;
One, I could tell my story and enlighten you with my tale
Or two, I could ignore your presence while I live out my days in nothingness. But two would be too easy wouldn’t it. So I will share with you my story. My name is unimportant for if you looked me up in the nearest phonebook you would find nothing. My tale shall be one to intrigue, and to keep with you because who knows maybe what happened to me would happen to you.
The morning sun was shining over the dark horizon as I punched the snooze button on my alarm clock. The clock read 6:35 in the blinding red color. “School starts at nine” I sighed getting up off of my bed “Why get up at 6:35?” I got up and searched the wall for the light switch. As I felt around the room I grabbed the plastic outcropping in the wall and pulled the switch up. But nothing happened usually there was a flash of blindness and then light but it wasn’t working. “Dammit blown again.” I walked into the hallway and turned for the kitchen hoping to have a cup of coffee or maybe two or three depending on how crappy I felt. I walked to the cabinet above the stove and pulled down Folgers can that held the coffee, but when I opened it and I saw emptiness.
All the things seemed to slip away on the drive to school. My only thought was “today is going to be the best day” glancing at my bag only increased the enthusiasm. I could only wait to see the looks on the faces of the other kids in my high school. The teachers reactions were classic. I pulled into the parking lot of the school and stared at the big stone building. I grabbed my cell phone off the dashboard and checked the time it was 8:00. “Damn an hour early.” I groaned as I pulled a cigarette and a lighter out of my jacket pocket. I lit the cigarette and began smoking it when my friend Jake pulled up next to me in his sleek new ruby red sports car with his skanky ho of a girlfriend pulling a shirt on in the passenger seat next to him.
“Hey dumbass those things will kill you” He yelled out the window staring at me “Hey didn’t you wear those pants yesterday?” I looked at my clothes “I think they are okay.” I told him even though I didn’t change this morning seeing as no knew I existed. At this school I was a loser, a loner with no friends. But this loner was about to get revenge on the ones who made me believe I was this scourge of society.
First period was a drag being it was technology and the teacher just talks for a whole hour and a half. Second period I couldn’t even think because the math teacher was Asian, so understanding her was like putting a translator who use sign language in a group of blind people. Third was just a place full of bullshit and hypocrisy, so obviously I was in government and politics like I said bullshit and hypocrisy. Fourth period almost to the moment of truth, but creative writing was just like first period the teachers here must like hearing themselves talk because they did a lot of that today.
Fifth period the moment I was waiting for I was only hoping no one knew what I was up to as I entered the restroom waiting for the bell to ring, I wouldn’t get in trouble it was my lunch, I sat in the stall rummaging in my bag as people came and went during the process of the five minutes. When I was sure that everyone was gone I pulled a piece of paper out of my bag and scribbled some things done on it an put it down on the floor seeing as white paper would probably stick out on blue floor. At last I pulled a rope out of my bag and threw it over the stall and tied it. I made sure it was stable enough to hold me as I put the noose around my neck.
“This is the end of me” I yelled not caring who heard me. I lifted my body in order to get the full effect of the hanging. Within minutes I felt my windpipe crack and the life slowly drain form my body.

So with this tale told I let you know that my life was one of many others like me. At least i didnt go down alone though. So that is my story and it was my life but no one cared if i lived or died not even my parents so who cares right?

[khfreak17]

wow. epic

[Nevermore]

Wow . . . I don't even know where to begin. Actually, I do.

First, the grammar. You really need to work on this. You had quite a few run-on sentences, misused commas, and other things. Most importantly, you need to improve your sentence structure. There were a couple times where I just sat there and scratched my head, re-reading the sentence in an attempt to figure out what you were trying to say. The reader should never feel burdened to read something. There are set ways to write sentences. Granted, they can be lenient at times, but the general framework should be there. Actually, simply fixing your run-on sentences would help with that a ton.

Second, the concept and execution. While it has potential, it's not played to great affect. We aren't shown that he is a loner. We aren't shown what drove him to his depressive state. All we're given is a, in my honest opinion, boring monologue that only tells us things. As a writer, it's your job to show us what is going on. Just telling us "X character is depressed" isn't very interesting; and at any rate, their are much better ways to express it. The reader isn't given the chance to sympathize well with the character. He comes across as more whiny than anything else. We should be able to feel his sadness and anger. As it stands, he is just a pathetic character. Again, while the concept has potential, it needs work. What we have here is too cliche, too generic. There isn't anything to distinguish it from any other "depression/suicide" story on the internet.

Here's a few links to help you with this stuff:

Guide to Grammar and Writing

Fiction Factor - Writing Tips for Fiction Writers

I suggest you look over some of the stuff that's in here, rework this piece, and re-post it to the site. I'm sorry if I come across as harsh, but I think you could improve and would like to see that happen.

Also, for future reference, put a break in between paragraphs. It's a general rule that you leave space between paragraphs when posting something like this online. It makes it easier on the eyes, lol.

Good luck and get better!

[Disc Jockey]

That was quite extreme. Explaining how hard a Nobody has it... Interesting.
As Nevermore said, the grammar was a little off for me. There were many run-on sentences. Use more commas and periods.


100th post. ^^