As the Rain Pours (short story)

[Bellaisima358]

This is pretty much self explanatory, just a short story I wrote a while back for english that I found this morning.

As the Rain Pours


I sit on my desk, silently. The class around me laughs and chatters. I just sit there, staring out the window. Images run through my mind. A tear runs down my cheek. A friend taps my shoulder. I wipe it away and turn around.

"Hey-what's wrong?" He askes, concerned. I try to smile. "Oh, nothing," I say, shrugging. He sits behind me.

"You sure, man?" He asks again. I stare blankly at his notebook. I close my eyes and nod and turn back around. My friend shrugs and lets it go.

I look back out the window. The rain grows harder. I sigh. Those haunting words replay in my mind. He never cared, I tell myself, I can't believe I fell for it.

The teacher calls for attention. I turn for a few moments, then as the teacher gets absorbed in her lesson, I look back out the window. I tap my pencil to the beat of a song, tap-tap-tap, tap-tap-tap. The rain pours outside.

"Look, I don't wanna talk to you." He says. I look at him, confused.

"What did I do? You're the one being mean to everyone you see." I say, stepping back. He glares at me. I glare back.

"You know what? Take your stupid class. I'm not coming today. Here," he says, throwing me the class roster. (I'm the assistant instructor. I have to take the roster. He's in my class.) He grabs his bags and leaves the room. I stare in disbelief.

"Oh and forget the movies with you, me, and Alex. Go on your own!" He shouts over his shoulder. I stomp furiously and pout.

This and many other things run through my head. He's not in my class right now. He hasn't shown up in days.

Coward, Alex says. He'll get over it, Ana says. He's no good, Caitlyn says. Caca face, Cherry(her name is Shary) says. I smile at that one. His glare stays fixed in my mind. My eyes soften.

"Evelyn," The teacher calls. I look at her. "The square root of 144?"

"Twelve," I say halfheartedly. The teacher smiles and goes on and on on how I was right, and that the square root was twelve, and blah blah blah. I sigh and turn back to the window. I can listen to the faint sound of the teacher's radio. Suddenly, a song comes on.

Did you forget that I was even alive? Did you forget everything we ever had? Did you forget about me?

Tears well in my eyes. I try to hold them in. He messed with my feelings, I think, He doesn't deserve me. I smile.

The rain starts clearing up. The bell rings. I pull my hair from my bun and let it loose, letting my waves run down my back and shoulders. I take off my gray sweater and grab my bag, walking outside. He comes towards me.

"Hey, um, I'm sorry," He says apologetically. I ignore him and walk on to catch up with my friends. He stares at me as I leave.

I turn back and give him a smile. I wave good bye. This time, it is good bye. For sure. I turn to see Cherry and Alex.

"What was that all about?" Alex asks, impressed. I smirk. "I was sick and tired of him," I reply, shaking off those cold memories. Cherry smiles wide and high fives me. I high five back and laugh as she yells to the whole hallway, "Caca face is nomore!"

I look back at him. He stands there, confused. I turn back to Alex and Cherry, and laugh, letting everything that happened free. I am free. I look out the window by my locker. The sun shines high above.

[Traskix]

man bell and u said mine was deep lol

i like it :)

[Annoyance]

I apologize. This may be long. I can tell you're sort of new to this. But I wanted to point these things out to you now so you know what to do next time.

I apologize again if it seems I'm trying to be mean.
I'm not.

I sit on my desk, silently. The class around me laughs and chatters. I just sit there, staring out the window. Images run through my mind. A tear runs down my cheek. A friend taps my shoulder. I wipe it away and turn around.

Very choppy. Also, it'd be nice to know what kinds of images. Just saying "images" doesn't tell the reader anything.
Are they playful, happy, sad, painful? No one knows. You just have standard sentence after standard sentence as well so it doesn't flow at all to show the pain or why.
I don't know it just bugs me a bit. I realize you're going to explain the images later but maybe just an adjective or two would help.

Also, is she sitting right on the desk or at her desk?
There is a difference.

"Hey-what's wrong?" He askes, concerned. I try to smile. "Oh, nothing," I say, shrugging. He sits behind me.

Every person speaking gets their own paragraph.
No exceptions else than things like,

He said, "Follow me." I nodded and told him okay.

But notice how there are no quotation marks.

And give the girl some emotion. If they're that fuckin' depressed, they'd show it through her eyes, shoulders being slumped down, etc. Sadness shows. Especially if it's bad enough for her to be crying in class.
Body language, body language!

Already I can tell your characters are dull and lifeless.
Also, the "He sits behind me." could be explained a bit better like him grabbing the seat behind her and sitting down.

On another note... I really don't like the tenses you use. It's just really choppy and doesn't really work in my opinion for a story like this. Especially one with flashbacks.

"You know what? Take your stupid class. I'm not coming today. Here," he says, throwing me the class roster. (I'm the assistant instructor. I have to take the roster. He's in my class.) He grabs his bags and leaves the room. I stare in disbelief.

Paragraph is unnecessary and could be explained somehow through the dialogue. Showing, not telling. Let the characters bring it to light. Don't let the narrator tell the entire story. That's what the characters are for; to act it out.

"Oh and forget the movies with you, me, and Alex. Go on your own!" He shouts over his shoulder. I stomp furiously and pout.

Teenagers don't talk like this. You should go people watching. Helps a lot with dialogue and it becomes a lot more natural for you to write it down.
I'd say his character would say something like, "Tell Alex that the movies is off. You can go your own!" or "Oh, and forget about the movies! Go tell Alex you're going on your own!" etc.
Although I think saying "go on your own" is rather silly, in the heat of a fight, you say dumb shit, so, whatever.

This and many other things run through my head. He's not in my class right now. He hasn't shown up in days.

Really don't like this tense...
Also, you could have the guy behind her say, "Hey, where's ___?" and maybe a teasing statement to make her sadness a bit worse unintentionally.
and have the answer be "Not here..."
Not only showing that he's not here, but she's depressed about something.

And possibly bringing up some new chitchat between them.

Coward, Alex says. He'll get over it, Ana says. He's no good, Caitlyn says. Caca face, Cherry(her name is Shary) says. I smile at that one. His glare stays fixed in my mind. My eyes soften.

Everyone should have their own paragraph. Believe me, it would just look better.
And Cherry's name should only be explained really when you actually meet up with Cherry.
Right now these people are faceless. Leave the details for when we meet them.

I can listen to the faint sound of the teacher's radio. Suddenly, a song comes on.

The fuck is the radio on during her lesson? NO teacher in their right mind would have a radio on during math class.
I'm sorry, but no.

And honestly, no girl gets over a guy that easily. That was way too simple.
"Oh, he was a jerk. I won't talk to him ever again."
Doesn't work that way, ya know?
Just saying.

Sorry this was so huge.

[darkisaac]

Well I agree with a lot of things you've said, but as for your first comment, the choppy sentences might be a rhetorical use of syntax to portray a sense of depression or disinterest. I doubt it was intentional, but whatever.

[Annoyance]

It's possible but it just doesn't work for me. Especially for the first paragraph.

[khfreak17]

wow bell. that was really good. you should write more

[varsha]

Ohh that was one good short story.
Might help me get me some tips to get me through short story writing in class^^

[Annoyance]

Originally Posted by varsha

Ohh that was one good short story.
Might help me get me some tips to get me through short story writing in class^^

I may sound rude asking this but what kind of tips are you talking about? Elaborate please.

[varsha]

I meant by stuff like, what type of explaining I sould do in the background or, how the characters should shown if your going to express them, you know, that type of stuff

[Annoyance]

Originally Posted by varsha

I meant by stuff like, what type of explaining I sould do in the background or, how the characters should shown if your going to express them, you know, that type of stuff

Even though I commented on how she messed up on those aspects?

[deathwielderTiTo]

wow that was a bit confusing at some points but it was good

Even though im like the only boy here ( i guess idk ) im a great poet ( so i'm told ) and yea that was my opinion

[varsha]

Originally Posted by Annoyance

Even though I commented on how she messed up on those aspects?

I don't think she messed up much

[Disc Jockey]

That was very good. I loved it.
Annoyance is right about the grammar, body language, etc. but the overall plotline of the story was interesting. It shows that you can't let a guy ruin your life. Keep writing more, I'd like to see what else you can do.

[Annoyance]

Originally Posted by varsha

I don't think she messed up much

I didn't say that.
I'm just saying that she isn't the best example because she could use some help as well.

[varsha]

Hey, whats wrong with a little bit of enthuseasim
She doen't need to be told she's not much of a great example, it just sounds sad, sorry if I sounded harsh but really.
It was a good job she did, I agree with the help but really, don't talk about examples when it comes to that, it's really sad, I did that once and my freind felt down for a long time.