The Darkness Sleeps: Part 1, (Incl. Chap. 1, History Of the gods, and Chap. 2.)

[nate_shuuya29]

Introduction of me.

Hey, my name is Haruka, or that’s what I call myself, and for the sake of this journal you will know me as Haruka, or Haru, you won’t know my real name, unless I have to tell you. Ok, so this story is all about me, and my Job as a mercenary. My last name is Stanton, and I am American. I am a Warlock, not your average kid. I am 17, and I look it, but I have looked 17 for 13 years. I aged much faster than normal people. I looked 4 years old at 1, and I had the brain of an 8 year old. My body grew 4 times faster than normal, but my brain grew 8 times faster than normal. I have supernatural powers over many elements and I can create spells and animate objects.



Chapter 1

Test of The Sleeping

Mr. Rokshar the English teacher, who was entirely not English, and not even from America. He was Russian, with dark black hair, and brown eyes. He was short and stocky, and sometimes reverted back to Russian. He was balding at the top of the head, and he had buck teeth. It was hilarious, and I loved to play jokes on him. Today, I put the class to sleep during the middle of a test. Mr. Scots was just sitting at his desk holding a paper in front of his face and didn’t even notice.


I finished my test and laid it on his desk and walked to my desk and laid back, and looked out the window. I began spacing and Mr. Scots finally looked up and yelled, “What the hell? Why are all of you asleep?” He was mad, and began speaking in Russian. None of the students woke up, and so Mr. Scots went to his desk and grabbed a whistle and began blowing it in people ears, waking them up. I smiled and laughed inwardly. When he got to my seat he looked at me and said, “Did you do this, Mr. Stanton?”


I shrugged and replied, “How could I do this?”


“I don’t know, but since you joined my class things have happened.” His voice began to drone on, but Haru had gone into a trance. The trance was like Spider Man’s Spidey Sense. It gave Haru warning when something dangerous was coming, and something dangerous was coming now.


Haru ducked and turned his desk down, as fast as he could, which was faster then the teacher could see. As the desk hit the ground the glass broke and a dart hit the teacher right in the chest, making him fall flat on the ground. The class took a few seconds to realize what had happened, and then they all broke into chaos and began screaming. Desks crashed to the ground, and Darts started flying into the room, some hitting desks, and even less hitting students and knocking them out.


I smiled, ‘a fight to lighten the boring day’. I spoke a quick incantation, imagining what I wanted, a layer of energy armor over my body, and it appeared the next second. I stood up and looked over the desk and saw no one. I closed my eyes and opened up my senses, and searched for the attackers. They were across the courtyard in a large building. They were American Military Snipers. The smile on my face widened. I heard some slams coming down the hallway. I extended my senses and found soldiers coming up the stairs.


Their footsteps echoed up the stairs and down toward the classroom. I looked around and saw my backpack. I jumped up and dived for it, and instantly darts pelted my shield. I landed next to my backpack and pushed my hand inside till I felt two cylindrical objects, and then I pulled and two katana came out of my bag. The door burst open and five Soldiers burst into the room. I held the katana by the hilts and threw the sheaths at two of the Soldiers.


The two soldiers flew out of the room, and the other three dived out of the way. I released the power stored in my body, and the air around me began to shimmer. I jumped over the desks, pretty much flying, as the three Soldiers got back up. I hit the first soldier in the chest with my head. The other soldiers both realized I was there and turned to fire on me, but I spun in a circle slashing their guns in half and landing on my feet. I kicked the Soldier to my left in the chest, sending him flying through the wall, causing other students to run screaming.


The other Soldier pulled out a large knife and swung at me. I ducked and dodged his first few slashes, and when he slashed at my chest I ducked down and spun, tripping the soldier. Then I flipped and my heel landed in the center of the soldiers chest, a solid crack resounding from his chest. I stood up and turned around raising my hand and stopping every dart in midair. I opened my senses again and threw the darts back at each sniper, knocking each of them out.


My power came back into me, and the darts fell out of the air. The entire class was knocked out, and lying on the ground. The window was shattered and lying on top of students. I walked to the window and looked down. In the courtyard there was a large semi, and two military vehicles. At the end of the Semi stood an old man, his name was Robert Gren, General Gren. I smiled and thought, “Finally, a new job. Let’s go.” I grabbed my bag and jumped out the window, controlling the air around my feet and making a cushion for me to safely float down on.


“Hey Bob.” I said as I floated down to the ground. I walked over to him and gave him an over exagerated salute. “Bob, why did you attack me in school? You know you should just call my secret line.”


Bob was a man in his 60’s. He was a general, and the leader of the CIA, and he used armed forces to do some operations, like this one. He looked older then his age. He had wrinkle lines everywhere, and his face seemed to sag. His voice was hard and gravelly as he spoke, “Well, Haruka. We need you, and we didn’t know if you would do this willingly?”


“And why would that be sir?”


“Come with me and I will show you why.”


General Gren turned around and walked into the big semi. It was filled with computers and nerds. At the end of the truck was a large TV screen, and the picture on it brought back old memories, some of them not so bad. It showed a large group of Japanese men, and three people who stood out at the very front. First was a tall beautiful Japanese woman. Whose makeup and face was perfect. She was the leader of the Yakuza, and the first female leader ever. She was a minor Japanese god.


The next was me. I am about 6’2”, About 3 inches taller than the Japanese woman. I have blonde hair with blue eyes that seemed to change colors as his moods changed, but were naturally blue. I’m not fat, or muscular, but wiry with hard muscles. Even though I was not big, I had super strength, and it is awesome.


The last person was Lirin, she was the minor gods wizard. She was a few years older then me, but she was a wizard. Her hair was long and dark with a single braid in her hair, with a cute nose and dark beautiful eyes. She was about 5’2” or 5’3”, and wore skinny jeans and tight fitting shirts. She was not Japanese and had white skin. When I was around 10 my parents were killed, and I was homeless. I may have had a 40 year olds brain, but I had loved them, and when they were killed I was lost.


When I found my way to civilization I was met by an old wizard who told me all of what had been going on, and the history of the gods, and eventually I found my way to Tokyo, where I met Lirin and her Matron. I fell in love with Lirin and joined them in their fight to control the Yakuza. That’s all you need to know for now, but I’ll tell you more as time goes on.


“So, Bob, I’m guessing you want me to spy on them?”


“Yes, we have lost all our spies and cameras in their facilities and they have completely dropped out of any country other then Japan. We need you to spy on them. We are willing to pay you $100,000 a week.”


“Really? 100,000 dollars? That’s a lot of money for not much work. And what do I do if they find me out?”


“Well, that’s all up to you. But just throw a monkey wrench into their works when you leave. That’s all we ask.”


I looked down and thought, “It’s a job, an amazing job, but I
might end up hurting Lirin, and I don’t want to do that. But I need the money, and maybe I can find a way to switch her blessing. I don’t want to lose her. Maybe I can make her a warlock like me.”


I sighed and looked at the General, “I’ll do it sir. So, do you got any cool high tech gadgets?”


“Sorry, Mister Stanton, but I doubt you’d need them. But we do have two special things for you.” He said and turned around, and on the table beside him was a pair of golden 9 MM guns, and next to them were three large cases of ammo, each with a different symbol on them.


“The guns are modified so they can use these special bullets and normal 9mm bullets. The cases have 81 rounds each. The one with the fire symbol is an incendiary bullet, and explodes on impact, lighting the person on fire. The one with the blue triangle is Ice bullets, when it hits a target it freezes a square foot of the persons body. The lightning bolt one is a Rail shot. They have a new type of gun powder in them that makes them go the speed of sound, creating a sonic boom if far enough away. It’ll rip a hole through most targets at close range.”


“Wow Bob, they are awesome! I am so using those. Thanks. So when do I leave?” As I talked, I walked over to the table and waved my hand over the guns and ammo whispering a few words, and the guns teleported straight to my weapons case back at the apartment.


“We have you leaving at three o’clock tomorrow afternoon. Here’s your ticket. You are free to go. Have a nice time in Japan.” I took the ticket and left.

[Annoyance]

Okay.

How do I say this...

First, you give us a shitload of information for the character when you just need to show what needs to be shown.
His name for example, could be brought up in a conversation.
"Hey, ___, what's up?"
"Oh, I don't know, warlock wars."
"Hey, cool. I'm going over there with plot device. You coming?"
"Nah. You two have fun."

Also, the wall of information you basically made up with warlocks and whatnot...
It's all too much. I'm sorry to say but it was too long so I didn't read it.
This is a problem.

Maybe go into the war of the warlocks later in the story?

Haruka also is a girls name from my knowledge. :c



Here's another thing:

Mr. Scots the English teacher, who was entirely not English, and not even from America. He was Russian, with dark black hair, and brown eyes. He was short and stocky, and sometimes reverted back to Russian. He was balding at the top of the head, and he had buck teeth. It was hilarious, and I loved to play jokes on him. Today, I put the class to sleep during the middle of a test. Mr. Scots was just sitting at his desk holding a paper in front of his face and didn’t even notice.

This can be explained through actions and dialogue.

"Okay, class, please sit down," said the balding English teacher in a slight Russian accent. He bit his bottom lip nervously with his buck teeth and brushed a hand through what was left of his dark black hair. Children in the room snickered and went on with their chatting.
That's how I would write it. I didn't really read the 2nd chapter. Just that paragraph.


You have to work on getting the reader's attention and keeping it.

[Zero Sora]

Firstly, there are unnecessary captial lettering. The history of the Gods was a bit confusing and largely unnecessary. You could have eased into it at a later point in the story, and leave us wondering why the main character is so special. Mystery is what keeps people wanting more.

I too only read the first chapter and a bit of the second one. Mainly because the first chapter seemed to have dragged out and stepped all over my attention span. If the history had come later, I might have actually read chapter 2. Also... a Russian who doesn't have a Russian name? I'm not buying it.

[nate_shuuya29]

haha, thanks for the help guys. I could always use help. Lol, and yeah, i get it, and He isn't your average warlock. And the History of the Gods was originally gonna be added later, but i wasn't sure, because i thought a lot of people would have been confused, and thanks for the help. You guys helped alot. And Haruka is a guys and a girls name. It depends on what Kanji you use. And, Haruka is just the name he goes by as a mercenary. His name is mentioned in the next chapter when he meets up with his ex. lol. If you want i can edit it and change it around, and if you read the full thing and want to hear the next part just ask, i'm working on the next part, i'm gonna change it anyways. lol. Thanks. :D

[Annoyance]

Maybe you should fix up the first part before you go on with the next.

Also, thank you for not being angry at us for telling you what you should hear.

[nate_shuuya29]

Well, i did change the first part. I made chapter one into an Intro, and chapter 2 into chapter 1. and i have no right at all to be mad at you. i put it on here to get help, and critism helps. Thanks,