Heavensent Messenger

[Gildragon]

Title: Heavensent Messenger
Genre: Romance/Fantasy
Style: Short Story in 5 parts


PART 1
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The beginning of Samuel Gilder was not one of natural birth. He had no earthly mother or father. As far as he was concerned he was the only one of his kind, or rather the only one of his kind that ended up here, on Earth. He had met others like him and had missed their company yet for some inexplicable reason just last week he ended up here. He knew that he existed and yet while others were aware of his presence they seemed to not take notice of what he was. Or listen when he was speaking to them. When he did speak however some words would stick into the minds of those he spoke to and often served as an influencing motivation for their own actions. Samuel of course had chosen it to be this way. He could easily choose the physical form of any living being he desired wherever and whenever he wanted. But seeing as today Samuel was studying the mind. He thought it good to see what people would do when presented with random thoughts. So Samuel kept his supernatural rather than physical form. After all, you can’t really walk through walls and be seen doing it.

Feeling rather mischievous Samuel went over to a man who was going to cross the street traveling west, he convinced the man through a series of what he called “thought algorithms” to walk backwards around the block he was currently on before finally ending up where he had started. Of course the man obeyed and moved on, totally unaware as to why the man had made such an irrational decision.

Then Samuel saw a girl, a girl who had some familiar aura about her. He was sure he had never seen her before. “Could that be? No no I’m the only… no.” His curiosity piqued he silently meandered over to this girl. She was hooded and as it was cold half of her face was wrapped in a scarf not totally unlike one you would see in a movie. To get a better view of her, he floated in the area above where she was walking, even if he had been visible she wouldn’t have seen him, he wanted to get a better look at her. So he decided by the mind to have her remove her scarf and hood, so that he could get a look at her face. As soon as he had finished his process, the girls position shot straight up. A feared that someone was watching for her she looked around for anyone who might seem less than trust worthy a character. She turned around and started to go back the way she came. And, at a quicker pace. Almost as if escaping.


Samuel now thoroughly frustrated that someone didn’t listen to him began to follow.
Practically screaming though his though algorithms to “go back! Aren’t you listening to me! Do you know who I am? Do you know what I could do to you” Still the woman’s pace grew faster and faster. He followed her to an old apartment building. Staying invisible he followed behind her not making a sound (as he had no body to speak of) until finally he came to a door. Which he assumed was her residence. The woman opened the door. Walked in. Samuel elected to stay behind the frame. She turned around to close and lock the door when she suddenly looked up. And paused for a moment. Standing with her facial expression frozen as if shocked. To Samuel it seemed she was looking all the way back at the end of the hall, where nothing interesting seemed to be. Puzzled he waited. And shifted his position.

The girl finally raised a finger and pointed towards the center of Samuel’s face. Her eyes while the rest of her face was still covered got bigger as she said, “ooohhhhhhh my!
Samuel was beginning to think that she was at the very least aware of him.

Slowly the girl unraveled the cloth covering her face….

TO BE CONTINUED

[xx kairi xx]

gah! u just had to end it there lol, i need to know what happened!!!! >.<
anyways i think its reli good so far. more please ^_^

[Azia]

Very nice, Gil. I like it!

[Cataclysm]

Ooh! Quite intriguing Gil! I look forward to more.

[Gildragon]

thanks Imma try to post up another chapter eiter later today or tomorrow

[Smile]

*scratches chin* Well, you seem to dislike using commas. Which kind of kill the flow at some parts, but the point gets across. I'd suggest trying to put some sentences together to create a better flow.
I'd also suggest adding some more descriptions in there. Create a bigger image for the reader to paint in his mind, to better relate to. To better throw himself into. This would include, but is not limited to, both the descriptions of the scenery and the situations (like how you told about the man who rounded the block, for instance), as well as Samuel's own thoughts. You gave us bits and pieces of it, but usually you either hold it all back to keep it under the hood until the time is right, or you give us more to go on than what you did. And you did, like when he was frustrated, but further elaboration I think would've served you better.

O: I'm curious as to how this goes now though. You have a good basis and most of what I said come from how I like my own style, so take it with a grain of salt and see what best fits your own style as well as the current story.

[Gildragon]

Originally Posted by Rain

*scratches chin* Well, you seem to dislike using commas. Which kind of kill the flow at some parts, but the point gets across. I'd suggest trying to put some sentences together to create a better flow.
I'd also suggest adding some more descriptions in there. Create a bigger image for the reader to paint in his mind, to better relate to. To better throw himself into. This would include, but is not limited to, both the descriptions of the scenery and the situations (like how you told about the man who rounded the block, for instance), as well as Samuel's own thoughts. You gave us bits and pieces of it, but usually you either hold it all back to keep it under the hood until the time is right, or you give us more to go on than what you did. And you did, like when he was frustrated, but further elaboration I think would've served you better.

O: I'm curious as to how this goes now though. You have a good basis and most of what I said come from how I like my own style, so take it with a grain of salt and see what best fits your own style as well as the current story.

I like a lot of what you suggessted. I was actually thinking that I didn't really describe the setting. I think I'll edit it later. because now that I think about it. its actually kind of important as to where I want to go with it.

also I said 5 parts but judging by how much I want to put into this. it will probably last longer

THANKS! :D

[Smile]

My pleasure. Looking forward to how this goes along now :"3

[Azia]

I love you, Gil...'nuff said.

[Gildragon]

Title: Heavensent Messenger
Genre: Romance/Fantasy
Style: Short Story in 5 parts

Part 2
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The woman had held her face down as she unraveled the cloth. It was obviously used and looked like it had a few stains on it from mud or possibly food. She let it fall to the floor. As she looked up she said, “Samuel are you here?”

Samuel hovered for a moment, and as he saw her face, he was beaming it was as if light was all over him. He materialized, and exclaimed, “Jocelyn, oh MY Jocelyn. I can’t believe you are here. It’s wonderful to see you. How long have you been here? How did you end up on the same planet as me? What has happened back home, oh there’s so much I have to tell you about this place and what’s happened I need to…”

At this Samuel stopped speaking because while he wanted to go on he noticed something wrong in her expression.
Jocelyn also beaming was happy to see Samuel at first, but a look of concern crossed over her face. It was easy to tell when Jocelyn was concerned about something because she almost always smiles. And Samuel noticed this immediately. You see everyone who really knew Jocelyn felt better being near her, for she had the most reassuring smile. Even when you were feeling low all you had to do was look at her, and the way her auburn hair rested on her shoulders, the general posture of her manner, and the way her eyes just seemed to fit into place once a grin stretched over her face gave you a feeling that everything was going to be fine. This was such a common feature that people would want at least a glance from her to start off the day. Needless to say Samuel with his share of problems had been smitten with her and the two became quite an item while they were at home.

The look Jocelyn had however was not one of happiness, but one of hesitation. As if she was going to say something she really didn’t want to say. Which in this case was true. Samuel concerned for her emotional state asked her, “Jocelyn, darling what’s wrong?”

“Samuel, there are very few of us left, there was a supernova on our star. I’m not sure whom else if anybody is alive. We were just about to transmit a message to you an …update of sorts to let you know whom to influence on Earth some important man. Which, as you know is why our ruler sent you here. ”

“Alright, go on.” Samuel said.

“Just then our star started to tremor. The officials had sounded the alarm and alerted everyone that we were under attack. A second tremor wiped out our transmissions equipment. So our leader gave the message to me as it were to give to you, and I followed the path that you took, here.”

“Oh Jocelyn, I had thought I felt a connection being severed. I’m at least glad that you’re here. I’d better get to the rest of the mission though. As we’ve lost some time. Do you have the message?”

Just at that moment there was a loud bang as if by canon fire and the 2 story building he was in collapsed.
Samuel quickly became invisible so as not to be damaged by the debris that was flying. Some time had passed and as the dust started to clear Jocelyn was nowhere to be found.
Samuel materialized and screamed, “JOCELYN, JOCELYN WHERE ARE YOU?”

He heard footsteps, he saw a silhouette, but it wasn’t Jocelyn in fact it was running towards him. Before he had a chance to disappear a flaming disc came out of knowhere and knocked him out cold. Two large figures still disguised by the smoke started to carry Samuel off.

TO BE CONTINUED.

[Azia]

O.O

Savi likes!!!!!!! Please, sir, may I have some more?

[xx kairi xx]

I prefer part 1, but yet again i thought it was pretty awesome xD
Its gripping and im intruiged as to what happens next again - infact i demand to know lol so i hope to see more soon ^_^